Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Half-Life's Gordon Freeman Speaks Out
Gordon Freeman, silent but deadly theoretical physicist and star of the Half-Life series, issued a press release earlier today demanding that he should be able to speak in the upcoming Half-Life 3.
"I have a voice," Mr. Freeman explained. "Other video game stars get to speak in their games, even the LEGO characters. Of course, they just grunt and sigh a lot, but that's not the point. My voice shall be heard!"
We asked for a rebuttal from Martin Riggs, head developer of Valve, who created Half-Life.
"Are you kidding me?" he said. "Oh, Freeman has a voice, trust me. We just had to cut all of his dialogue."
Mr. Riggs was gracious enough to give us a transcript of the original dialogue never before printed.
Here are some excerpts...
SCIENTIST: They're waiting for you Gordon, in the Test Chamber...
FREEMAN: Heard you the first time you stick-up-the-a** m****er f****er. Why don't you come down there where the real f***ing work is, dips***t?
From Half-Life 2:
BARNEY: Recognize me, old buddy?
FREEMAN: Of course I do, you p***y. I saved your sorry a** back at Black Mesa. And you owe me big time, you rent-a-cop little s**t.
ALYX: Oh, the silent type I see...
FREEMAN: Hope you're not, b***h. I like my w****s loud when I take them up the a**.
In an ironic twist, Mr. Freeman had no comment.