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Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Half-Life's Gordon Freeman Speaks Out

Gordon Freeman, silent but deadly theoretical physicist and star of the Half-Life series, issued a press release earlier today demanding that he should be able to speak in the upcoming Half-Life 3.

"I have a voice," Mr. Freeman explained.  "Other video game stars get to speak in their games, even the LEGO characters.  Of course, they just grunt and sigh a lot, but that's not the point.  My voice shall be heard!"

We asked for a rebuttal from Martin Riggs, head developer of Valve, who created Half-Life.

"Are you kidding me?" he said.  "Oh, Freeman has a voice, trust me.  We just had to cut all of his dialogue."

Mr. Riggs was gracious enough to give us a transcript of the original dialogue never before printed.

Here are some excerpts...

From Half-Life:
SCIENTIST: They're waiting for you Gordon, in the Test Chamber...
FREEMAN:  Heard you the first time you stick-up-the-a** m****er f****er.  Why don't you come down there where the real f***ing work is, dips***t?

From Half-Life 2:
BARNEY: Recognize me, old buddy?
FREEMAN: Of course I do, you p***y.  I saved your sorry a** back at Black Mesa.  And you owe me big time, you rent-a-cop little s**t.

ALYX: Oh, the silent type I see...
FREEMAN:  Hope you're not, b***h. I like my w****s loud when I take them up the a**.

In an ironic twist, Mr. Freeman had no comment.


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