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Thursday, March 31, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

George Lucas says that "good scripts with interesting characters" will be digitally added to the upcoming 3-D versions of the Star Wars prequels...

Sarah Palin expects that her flub of the word "skirmish" will be "a cruel antidote scooped up by the gotcha media.."

Independent studies show that 40 is the new 30, 50 is the new 40, 60 is the new 50, but 70 is still old...

When asked what brains taste like, a zombie said "chicken". When asked the same question, a zombie chicken said "humans"...

"Martin Lawrence of Arabia" is cancelled after movie premiere receives negative responses from Arab community and anyone with a pulse...

New Evidence Suggests Aliens Live Among Us and Kick Our Ass at MMO Games

Gamers nationwide are supporting the new theory that suggests extraterrestrials live among us, and that's why many of them are bested by anonymous players in massive multiplayer online games such as World of Warcraft and Final Fantasy XI.

Gamer Michael McDougall a.k.a. Horace the Magnificent and Praise-Worthy, claims that "these guys must be aliens from another universe!  There's no way any human could defeat me in World of Warcraft!"

SETI (Search For Extraterrestrial Intelligence) Head Scientist Tom Grunick is excited about the possibilities.  "This could be another step in determining that aliens have indeed lived among us.  Or it could just mean there's a bunch of whiny pussies out there getting their asses handed to them by other players..."

In related news, gamers also support the theory that the government is behind the recent slew of crappy game add-ons...    

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Our Monthly Survey For GameView Fans

Please answer honestly...if you can.

How am I doing?

A. How the hell should I know?
B. Doing well, just keep breathing.
C. And you are...?
D. Forget you!  Let's talk about me!

Are you satisfied with the content of GameView?

A. Yes.
B. No.
C. Maybe.
D. What content?

What can I do to make your GameView experience better?

A. Beefcake photos.
B. Big Robot Porn.
C. Free food.
D. Nothing.  It's perfect the way it is. (choose this one)

On a scale of 1-10, how would you describe your GameView experience?

A. 12.
B. 9 3/4 (for Harry Potter fans)
C. Is 1 Bad and 10 Great?
D. Is 1 Great and 10 Bad?

Mark is driving a truck 30 m.p.h. down Baker Street.  Chuck is driving 60 miles m.p.h. down the cross street.  How long does it take for them to meet?

A. True.
B. Is Chuck driving on a a residential street? Watch out kids!
C. Who cares?
D. Depends.  Do they know each other?

I'm thinking of a number...

A. 2.
B. 10.
C. wait! 60!
D. Good for you.

Would you recommend GameView to your friends?

A. Oh yes!
B.What kind of money are we talking about if I do?
C. I want to keep them as friends, so probably not.
D. I'm a huge fan and I'm going to make you a star. (choose this one)

Tuesday, March 29, 2011


The acronyms "OMG" and "LOL" have been added to the Oxford English Dictionary; college professors nationwide say "WTF"...

Photo shoot images of Ann Coulter mistaken for publicity photos of upcoming "Exorcist" remake...

Glenn Beck says teachers don't need any more money because the educational system is fine the way it is.  "I am a prime example of a great education, and it ain't done me no harm.."

Fox News gives Gaddafi his own show; Charlie Sheen signs on as a contributor...      

George Lucas plans 3-D versions of Star Wars movies; audiences already have headaches...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore.  But when you get snipped when you go for a dip, that's a moray...

Monday, March 28, 2011

GameView Exclusive - Questions For: The AI GlaDOS from Portal

GlaDOS, the A.I. from the game Portal, talks about the upcoming Portal 2 and her negative image...

GV: Thanks for being here, Ms. GlaDOS...

G: pleasure always to serve humans

GV: Let's talk first about your image.  People think you're a homicidal being who kills your test subjects after they are through testing the Portal technology...

G: not true i am but cog in machine of aperture science center

GV: So the accusations are unfounded?

G: exactly i live to serve humans and enjoy interaction with them
     but move to next subject please

GV: Certainly.  In Portal 2, do you wish to get revenge on the test subject who tried to kill you?

G: absolutely not just misunderstanding no harm done can we be friends
     next subject you are getting on my nerves

GV: Apologies.  Killing is a touchy subject with you, I can see.

G: very

GV: Why are you looking at me like that?

G: no reason 

GV: So is the cake really a lie?

G: not so i cannot lie not able to cake is real

GV: So why do your former test subjects - all reported missing by the way - write that phrase on the walls of Aperture?

G: maybe they do not like cake i have no idea humans are not my concern i mean i live to serve

GV: Thank you for your time.

G: been pleasure also be careful when you leave would not want you to get hurt
     just joke ha ha very safe

Portal 2 comes out April 18.  I hope I am still alive.  

Lady Gaga Says Video Gamers "Are Just Too Weird For Me"

Singer Lady Gaga commented recently in a scintillating People interview that she has entertained the idea of becoming a gamer, but felt that the community was just too weird.

"They just seem to be really bizarre little people," she explained, sitting in her egg.  "And their clothes, oh, don't get me started.  Speaking as an expert in style, less than classy..."

In related news, Lady Gaga replaces former favorites The Wicked Witch of The West and Dick Cheney as Person Most Likely To Scare The Crap Out of Little Children...

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Lindsay Lohan Changes Her Name To Just "Lindsay" - Upcoming Game Will Be Just "Game"

HOLLYWOOD - Celeb Lindsay Lohan has decided that, in the tradition of Madonna, Usher, and Hannibal, she will change her name to "Lindsay", removing her last name entirely.

As a result, her upcoming video game will just be simply called "Game".

Gamer LLFan isn't sure what to make of the decision, but will purchase the game nonetheless.  "It will be harder to ask for at my local GameStop, and of course I will have to change my alias to 'LFan', but I am excited about the new game..."

Pretentious Games, who developed the title, also support the controversial decision.  "It's a game that celebrates the true essence of Lindsay; art as a multi-generational experience.  And it's our only product..."

In related news, musical artist Diddy has changed his name to "Fluffy", to appeal to his growing canine audience...

Saturday, March 26, 2011

...And in Hollywood News...

Producers of upcoming Glenn Beck movie search mental institutions nationwide to cast lead role...

SyFy Channel accused of creating catastrophes as publicity for their Original Movie series...

"The View" hires male co-host; introduction of testosterone ignites unbridled carnage...

Charlie Sheen does yet another damn fool thing...

Next in popular "CSI" and "Law & Order" series - "CSI: Cleveland" and "Law & Order: Cleaning Staff"...

Boehner Blames Obama For Lack of Quality Online Games

WASHINGTON - In a move that surprised no one, Speaker of the House John Boehner announced today that he blames the current poor state of online gaming on President Barack Obama.

"Games such as 'Bejeweled Blitz' and 'Angry Birds' are a poor testament to the President's abilities," he commented.  "We need responsible leadership that would decline funds for these titles.  Funding these games would not be cost-effective - just another Liberal spending scheme..."  

Critics accused Boehner of once again using President Obama as a "political punching bag".  But Boehner denies the accusation.  "We don't even think of him as that," he explained.

In related news, Sen. John McCain calls Pong the best video game of 2011... 

Friday, March 25, 2011

Thursday, March 24, 2011

"Duke Nukem Forever" Release Date Pushed To June; Gamers Nationwide Couldn't Give A Shit

Gearbox's Randy Pitchford has confirmed that the much anticipated and much delayed game Duke Nukem Forever has been delayed from its original May 3 release to sometime in June.

"Yeah, we realized that seven years wasn't enough," Mr. Pitchford commented.  "We need that one more month to really make it special..."

Gamers nationwide have thrown their arms up after hearing about the new delay.  "Uh huh..." writes DukeWho?  Another gamer who's much more eloquent, NukemBgJoke, writes, "not caring anymore.  Gonna play my games that actually, ya know, CAME OUT!!!"

In related news, Bioshock Infinite has been delayed from 2012 to...well, infinity...

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

5 Tips For Successfully Removing "Zombie Cookies"

Zombie cookies - HTTP cookies that will not stay deleted even after the user has confirmed removal - are a growing threat to the internet and gaming community.  This is what you should know in order to remove them successfully...

1)  Watch out for zombie cookies in groups.  If you're not careful they could easily overwhelm you. 

2)  No matter how you feel, remember that they are not the cookies you once loved; they would want you to put them out of their misery.

3)  When eliminating these cookies, always go for the head. 

4)   They may not be able to see you, but remember that they can smell you.

5)   There are two types of zombie cookies.  Older ones tend to lumber slowly.  Newer ones are faster and much more aggressive.

Next time...a guide on "blog ninja" prevention...


Porn Star Odyssey Dawn Stars In Video Franchise Based On Military Operation...

Celeb Kim Kardashian Says That People Suffering From Starvation "Should Just Eat More Food"...

Justin Bieber Revealed To Be Underground Rapper 2White...

Violence In Middle East Makes Great Video Game...

Julie Taymor's Next Musical Will Be Based On "Schindler's List"...

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Word Verification Code Accidentally Unlocks Portal To Other Dimension

Cliff Secord a.k.a. 2Hot4u, was making a comment on a blog he frequented, when once again he was asked to confirm that he was human by typing in the word verification code.

"It was something like 'uhefer saten' or something", he explains.  "But I accidentally capitalized the 't' in 'saten', then all hell literally broke loose.  Well not literally, but it was pretty damn bad!"

The letter mishap inadvertently opened up a dimensional portal in his room, causing massive destruction.

The gamer recalls the horrifying event.  "Everything went green, there were awful otherworldly howls, and then of course Mom banged on my door, telling me to use my headphones.  She hates World of Warcraft..."

After gathering his wits, Cliff soon arrived at the solution to closing the portal.

"I just rebooted," he explained.

Happily, there was only one major crisis created by the amazing event.  "It erased all of my porn," Cliff complained.


Monday, March 21, 2011


"Jersey Shore" gets Nobel Peace Prize; Snooki Blows Money on Tanning Products...

2012 Olympics Will Be in Afghanistan; Introduces New Sport "Run For Your F**cking Life and Keep Your Goddamn Head Down"...

New Movie Franchise From Original Animated Pictures Features Such Titles as Finding Elmo, Toy Tale 1 2 & 3, Vehicles, and Down...

Gentlemen Prefer Blondes But Really Just Want Sex...

Hell Freezes Over; Hollywood Producers Clamor for Movie Rights...

New Nintendo 3DS Cures Disease and Famine, Ends Violence in Middle East

The hotly anticipated Nintendo 3DS, a hand-held game device that features games in 3D, has solved the world's problems practically overnight, since its release.

Bill Gates, who until now was fighting to find cures to the most common diseases in foreign countries, comments, "I wish Microsoft had come up with the idea first, but I hold no grudges."

Terrorist organizations such as the Taliban were overwhelmed by the 3DS,  vowing to end their bloody jihad.  A representative for Osama bin Laden released a press statement today saying Osama Bin Laden was "blown away by it." He added, "And this is a quote from Mr. bin Laden, 'dude, who has time for destroying Western God-haters when you can play Kid Icarus in 3D?'"

Humanitarian and hot babe Angelina Jolie is amazed by the platform's ability to rid the world of famine.  "Saves me some trips," she commented.

In related news, Apple is working on the iPad II, which they hope will contact intelligent life on other planets...  

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Viral Video Is Actual Virus

A popular video on YouTube was discovered to be an actual virus when it went viral this weekend.

"I thought, 'hey, this is a funny video of cats rapping to "You Be Killin Im"," says gamer Tupac4ever.  "Then I started feeling feverish.  Eventually I started coughing and got really sick..."

YouTube has tried to remove the video, but it keeps mutating with every hit by users.
"We may have an epidemic here," a medical official comments.  "I have heard of some videos making people say they want to throw up, but this one actually does..."

In related news, an actual Nigerian prince has confessed to the popular e-mail scam...


Saturday, March 19, 2011

New Online Game "Are You Crazier Than Charlie Sheen?" To Coincide With "Torpedo of Truth" Tour

HOLLYWOOD - After announcing his upcoming "Torpedo of Truth" tour, he added that there will also be an online game coinciding with the scheduled appearances.

The game, "Are You Crazier Than Charlie Sheen?", or as he calls it, "Are You Crazier Than Me?", pits the gamer in a battle of half-wits with the television star.

"How far can you push your ego?" Mr. Sheen explained in a press release today.  "How many off-the-wall insane your-white-van-is-waiting things can you come up with to best me?  Are you prepared to go one on one with the drug called Charlie Sheen?"

Batshit Games, who developed the game, is ecstatic.  "This is going to blast those damn Angry Birds off their perch," they insisted.

In other news, Japan still suffers from possible contamination, destruction and death...  

GameView Exclusive - Questions for: Lara Croft

The star of the popular "Lara Croft: Tomb Raider" series, Lara Croft herself, talks about her popularity and the future of the franchise...

GV: Welcome, Ms. Croft.

LC: Nice to be here.

GV: Let me just start by saying that I didn't expect you to actually wear your jungle outfit to this interview.  No complaints, though!

LC: Thank you. ....You're staring.

GV: Sorry. Moving on...what does your franchise hold for the future?

LC: I hope that it finds a new audience as well as being faithful to my long-time fans.

GV: What are your feelings on the "reboot" of your movie franchise?

LC: Where did you hear that?!?

GV: It has been widely reported.

LC: Bollocks.  I'm calling my manager after this interview.  Oh well, at least Angelina will get to play me again. Nice woman, great humanitarian.

GV: Actually, no.  It's a complete reboot, so Ms. Jolie won't be returning.

LC: What? Oh great, they'll probably cast that Kristen Stewart girl to get younger audiences.  Bloody vampire movies...

GV: Many people have complained of the inconsistency of your adventures, claiming that you do very little "tomb raiding" anymore...

LC: That was my decision.  I request a change of scenery now and then.

GV: May I ask why?

LC: Do you know how bloody hot it is in those places?  Why do you think I wear so little?  And the smell...don't get me started.  You try exploring caves and underground temples riddled with rotting corpses.

GV: Do you have any influences?

LC: Well, I'm lucky enough to have started the women's movement in this genre.  There was a lack of strong female characters in games before I arrived.  But I do continue to support the movement.  Except for that whiny bitch Samus Aran from that Hemorrhoid series...

GV: "Metroid".

LC: Whatever.  She's complete rubbish.  And God love her, Bayonetta is bonkers, but she is my "second in command" with the movement.

GV: How do you feel about your "sex appeal", particularly your popularity with male gamers?

LC: They're a bit obsessive, really.  Some of these fanboys send me some pretty disgusting requests.  And "gifts".  But all in all a nice group of blokes...

GV: What are your views on gun control?

LC: Well, they help me greatly in my job.  But why regular people buy AK-47's, Glocks, etc. is beyond me.  I don't see any gigantic spiders or vengeful mummies in their world.

GV: Thank you for your time.

LC: A pleasure.  Now get your goddamn hand off my leg...

New "Firefly" Game Longer Than Actual Series Run

The upcoming game based on the critically acclaimed but cancelled series "Firefly" will feature a fifteen hour single player campaign - one hour longer than the show's only season.

Creator Joss Whedon hopes that gamers will "give the game a better chance than Fox did with his series"...

In related news, the new "Lost" video game promises to have a more coherent story than the last four seasons of the hit series...

Thursday, March 17, 2011


Donald Trump's Hair Piece Gets Own Reality Show...

Failure of "Spider-Man" Musical Blamed On Obama...

Elvis Concert Cancelled; Artist Discovered Dead...

New Gilbert Gottfried Radio Show Cancelled After People Think It's Test of The Emergency Broadcast System...

Near Death Experience Confirms That There Are Vending Machines In Hell....

Netflix Instant Offers Huge Selection of Crappy Video Game Titles

Netflix, the leading rental service for DVD and Blu-ray movies, is now offering a huge selection of video games members can play instantly, particularly titles that received bad reviews when released, and most of which no one has ever heard.

Members of Netflix can instantly play game titles such as Sooper Mario, Babs Queen of the Galaxy, Space Guy, School Bus Race, and K.P.: Army Duty...

Netflix does promise that popular new titles such as Crysis 2 and L.A. Noire will eventually be available to play instantly through Netflix when "they can be found in the bargain bins at GameStop..." 

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

"Angry Birds" Get Own Reality Show

The stars of the popular smartphone app "Angry Birds" will be getting their own reality show next month.

"They have all of the essential elements for a hit reality show - they're popular, they're superficial, and they're angry," explained the producer of the upcoming show.

For more information on the birds, you can follow their tweets...

And in Hollywood News...Bond Goes Slapstick

HOLLYWOOD - After the middling success of the James Bond franchise of movies, Michael G. Wilson, producer of the latest films, announced today that he will write and produce a "reboot" for Sony Picture Entertainment.

Mr. Wilson vows that he will keep giving audiences everything they expect in a Bond movie, "but with a difference".

"The new films will portray James Bond as a crazy, kooky secret agent who always gets his man and a pie in the face," explained the producer.

The new direction will also feature the return of a more gadget-oriented Bond.  New gadgets include an iPhone that squirts water, a gun that never fires, and of course, the trademark Aston Martin, equipped with a passenger side whoopee cushion.

"We are taking Bond in an exciting new direction," claims Mr. Wilson, "and I think fans will respond.  I mean, who wouldn't want to see the world's greatest secret agent take a pratfall?"

Actor Daniel Craig was unavailable for comment.  

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

New 3D Games Are Like 3D Movie-Going Experience - Muddled, Headache Inducing

Gamers nationwide have hailed 3D games as the next generation of gaming, comparing the experience to watching 3D movies in theatres.

Gamer 2Blurry enthusiastically supports the new technology.  He writes, "it's just like the 3D movie-going experience - The images are muddled and they give you headaches, but in the comfort of your own living room."

Sony marketer Jim Profit says he is convinced that "new video games utilizing this technology are the wave of the future.  We predict increased revenue generated by these games, as well as angry responses from optometrists."

In related news, recovering drug addicts call the new hand-held Nintendo 3DS "a hallucinogenic episode, but portable"...

Monday, March 14, 2011

GameView Presents: Ask The FAQ Guy

Our resident know-it-all will now answer your gaming questions...

Q: I'm having trouble playing XBLA games on my console.

A: That's not a question.

Q: I own all three current gaming systems - the XBox 360, the Playstation 3, and the Wii.  Can you explain why all have notable exclusive games, but they all require different audio and video connections thereby requiring a switcher and some creative connection swapping, causing the clarity of the video to be affected by my television's HD broadcast capacity, creating a steady stream of pixelation and subsequently marring the video game image?

A: No.

Q: What does "DOS" mean?

A: It means that you need a new PC.

Q: Is there life after death?

A: I think it's a question of the existence of a deity, metaphysical or otherwise.  Existentialists suggest the manifestation of good and evil as a by-product of the fears induced by the question.  What is on the other side?  How can we differentiate from actual physical being and the dream state created by our subconscious?

Q: How do I download Katy Perry's "Fireworks" for Just Dance 2 on my Wii?

A: Why would you want to?

Q: What is Uplay?

A: Misspelled.

Q: I forgot my password!

A: I don't know it.

Q: Where is my CD Key?

A: Have you looked under your CD Mat?

Q: How do I change a game's language to English?

A: Que?

Q: I am having sound problems.

A: Sounds like you need sound answers.

Q: i lik tedy bers

A: Get off your Daddy's PC.

Q: I am having performance problems.

A: They have clinics for that.

Q: Do you need training to become a FAQ expert?

A: Apparently not.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Daylight Savings Time Decreases Chance of Getting "Limited Time Only" Disney Titles By Crucial Hour

Disney, the popular entertainment company known for releasing DVDs of their classic films for a "limited time only", has extended its concept to their new video games.

But the advent of today's Daylight Savings Time has limited the time even more to purchase the games.

"What do you want?" asked gamer Goofy12 when we contacted him.  "I have to get down to the store and get the game for my daughter!  What?  It's not available anymore?"

Be sure and pick up copies of  your favorite new Disney games while supplies last.

Oh wait, what time is it?  Nevermind.


Saturday, March 12, 2011

"Wii Fat" Dominates Game Sales For March

Nintendo's new addition to the Wii Fit series offers an alternative to exercise programs.

Wii Fat, developed by LazyAss Games, lets the player participate in such mini-games as Sit Back, Pop A Cold One, Grab Some Chips, and the popular Veg.

GameR reports that Wii Fat is dominating the game market this month, and predicts that it will be a hit for the next several months.

"I love this freakin' game," comments DblWide, a gamer and enthusiastic fan of Wii Fat...   

Friday, March 11, 2011

Peter King Emphatically Denies Support for Upcoming IRA Game

WASHINGTON - Chairman of the House Homeland Security Committee Peter King released a statement today denying his involvement or support of an upcoming game based on the exploits of the Irish Republican Army.

The game, published by BadIdea Games, has already drawn considerable controversy worldwide.

"I want to make it clear," Mr. King explained, "that I in no way support this important and exciting video game."

There has been a new development that may implicate Mr. King after all.

"Our first tip," revealed a Washington source, "was his alias on XBox Live - IRAiluvu.  The second, and most important was that BadIdea had received substantial funding for the game from an unknown source within the Republican Party..."

"Okay, that sounds pretty suspect," Mr. King admitted. "But who is this source, and does he have Muslim connections???"

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Unsung: Today's Guest - The Traveling Minstrel from Assassin's Creed

Welcome to Unsung, where we talk to overlooked and sometimes maligned secondary characters in video games.  Today I will be talking to Pesci the Traveling Minstrel, featured in the popular "Assassin's Creed" series.

GV: Welcome.

TM: Thanks.  Pleasure to be here.

GV: Explain the animosity toward your character.

TM: Let me just start by saying that being a minstrel, particularly in 15th century Venice, is not as easy as it looks.  The hours are grueling and you're on your feet day and night begging for money.  You would not imagine the pains we musicians endure not being able to sit down, constantly playing our instruments..

GV: Of course you're referring to "minstrel cramps".

TM: Exactly.  And the music requests the citizens make!  Sheesh! "The Venusian Rhapsody", "Sonata in D", "Free Bird"...

GV: Do you think that they do that to antagonize you?

TM: I wouldn't be surprised.  Can't even make time with courtesans when they're keeping you busy with that crap.

GV: What is your opinion of the local assassins making trouble for the royalty?

TM: Hey, you know, most of them deserve it, so God bless.  But would it kill the assassins to give us just a little money and not push us away all the time?  And these freakin' lutes aren't cheap, you know! Show us some compassion, guys.

GV: Do you think your public image will change someday?

TM: I can only hope.  But I am pursuing other venues just in case this job doesn't work out.  I have one idea of my own about performing spoken rhymes about how hard it is being a minstrel, accompanied by someone playing a beat over and over again.

GV: That'll never catch on.

TM: Damn.

EA Promises Half-Time Show Add-Ons Will Be "Just As Bad As The Real Shows"

Exclusive upcoming downloadable content for EA Games' popular series of football games will feature "half-time shows".

EA head developer Billy Flynn says, "we promise that the gaming experience will be much more immersive with this add-on.  Not only are you able to play, but you are also forced to endure incredibly bad half-time shows."

For the Half-Time add-ons, EA has signed such talents as '80's pop singer Corey Hart, comedian Carrot-Top, Herbert and his talking parrot Spike, and of course, the Black-Eyed Peas...  

SyFy Channel to Adapt Crappy Original Movies for Video Games

SyFy, the popular genre cable channel with the goofy name, plans to adapt several of their original movies for upcoming video games.

Expect games based on favorites including Mansquito, Frankenfish, Sharktopus, and Flu Bird Horror.

"There are too many quality games being produced," comments a SyFy movie producer.  "Where are the crappy ones?  We're the answer..."

In related news, the Razzie Awards will feature new "SyFy video game" categories for their next awards show...

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

Congress To Use Emoticons for Votes on Bills

WASHINGTON - In an effort to appeal to the younger viewers of C-SPAN, members of Congress have decided on abandoning the traditional "Yea" and "Nay" for the "hipper" :) and :( .

Once a Congressman decides his vote, he must text his response, which on television shows up on a graphic next to an advertisement for Red Bull.

There are some negative reactions to the decision, however.  Considerable blame has been attributed to the Democratic members for the decision, but one Republican poses a question.

"What is a text?" asked Sen. John McCain (AZ).

Kanye West Says His Game Is "Best F**king Game Ever Made"

Kanye West, rapper, singer, record producer, and all-around nice guy, claims that his new game will be "the best f**king video game ever made".

"Halo, Call of Duty, Uncharted, they be s**t.  Get my game.  It's a bad motherf**ker!" Mr. West tweeted today.

The game, developed by BigHead and published by SmallPackage, is about the music star.  "That's it," Mr. West explains.  "What the f**k else do you want?  It's all me, bitches."

Expect Kanye: Who The F**k Else? to hit shelves sometime next month.

...And In Hollywood News - Movie Franchise "Reboot" Gets Reboot Soon

HOLLYWOOD - The popular movie franchise of Reboot movies, now stagnant after its last entry in 2009, will be getting a reboot soon.

Reboot is the latest reboot of a popular franchise, following the upcoming Spider-Man, Alien, and Lethal Weapon reboots.

"It was such a popular and beloved series," comments a studio executive responsible for the reboot idea, "that we of course had to start over with an entirely new script, cast and director.

We firmly believe that when all is said and done, the real appeal of these movies is not the chemistry of the actors, or even the writing, but the franchise name."

In related news, George Lucas is planning to remake the Star Wars prequels, as an apology for the original movies...

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

THQ's Killer Balloons Attack San Francisco Bay

SAN FRANCISCO - In what was thought to be a publicity stunt for the new video game Homefront by THQ Games, hundreds of red "killer" balloons were released upon the hapless citizens of the San Francisco Bay area.

The plan was fortunately foiled by a glitch in the targeting system, sending the balloons into the surrounding waters, sparing the intended victims.

A THQ spokesman was quoted as saying, "muhahahahahaha..." He then added, "oops".

In related news, a large armada of alien warships are nearing the planet Earth, bent on the destruction of our species.  Hundreds of game companies are clamoring to purchase the rights...

Monday, March 7, 2011

Day Care Staging of "Resident Evil" Draws Ire of Concerned Parents

HUMBERT, VA - A group of parents have voiced their anger concerning a local day care's staging based on the original "Resident Evil" video game.

Mrs. Gloria Teasdale, staff member of Happy Tykes Day Care, who came up with the idea, said that she "thought that the story of cops battling flesh-eating zombies would be a nice change from reading about kooky animals and their mischievous adventures."

5 year old Joey Morton, who plays the hero Chris Redfield in the play, doesn't understand the controversy.  "It's merely a societal examination of the universal question of morality vs. mortality." He then added,  "I gotta go potty."

New Movie "Battle: Los Angeles" First Confirmed Rip-Off of Every FPS Game Ever Made

LOS ANGELES - Jonathan Liebesman, director of nothing you've heard of, has confirmed that no attempt was made to give his new film Battle: Los Angeles - opening Friday - an original story.

Mr, Liebesman commented in a recent Newsweek article, "it's basically a mishmash of Halo, Call of Duty, Resistance, Killzone - you name it, we ripped it off."

Gamers nationwide are in an uproar for different reasons.  Fragger10 writes, "wait a minute, it's NOT a video game???"

Game Magazine Nintendont reports that Mr. Liebesman is also developing a movie about an Italian plumber and his brother, a little pink guy, and a monkey duo...

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Pac-Man - Fun Facts!

To celebrate the popular '80's video game's 30th Anniversary, here are some little known facts about the lovable little yellow guy...

1)  Pac-Man was game designer Toru Iwatani's political commentary on the rampant cannibalism practiced in various tribes.

2)  Pac-Man was originally Pac-Boy, but the name was changed to attract female players.

3)  The pellets eaten by Pac-Man are supposed to be the drug speed, and the larger pellets that cause the Ghosts to change color are hallucinogenics.

4)  "Pac-Man Fever" was not only a song about the popularity of the game at the time, but a real disease caused by multiple people's germs on the game's controllers.

5)  Pac-Man was the first video game to receive an "M" rating by the ESRB for "gratuitous violence against colorful ghosts".

Saturday, March 5, 2011

"Zelda" Star Link Wants to Be "More Butch" in Next Game

Link, star of the popular Nintendo "Zelda" series, wants to change his image.
"I can understand why Princess Zelda doesn't go for me," Mr. Link complained in a press release.  "I look like a f**king elf.  Well, okay I am a f**king elf, but why can't I be a tough looking elf?
Lara Croft looks more butch than I do!"
He is demanding that his outfit be changed to "something more akin to Kratos of God of War or even Marcus Fenix of Gears of War".  "I am also planning to bulk up my features," claims Mr. Link. 
"Is it too much to ask," he adds, "that I actually look like the hero of these adventures, not some g**damn Pokemon character???"     

New Game "Mom" Makes Gamers "Go Outside, Get A Life"

Today, Microsoft is premiering their innovative new game for the XBox 360, "Mom".

Once loaded, the game "nags" the user to put down their controller, get up, go outside and even get a real job.

"It's a mind blower," comments gamer Geez12.  "It was just like my real mother was there.  Except I can't turn her off.."  

Microsoft is also developing a peripheral that allows users to actually talk to other people and hear their voices, thereby reducing severe carpal tunnel syndrome caused by texting.

Activision Promises Next Call of Duty Will Have Coherent Story

Activision's popular Call of Duty franchise will be undergoing a very drastic change in the next incarnation.

Call of Duty: Follow That Plot will feature a story that is easily comprehendible.

"I honestly have no idea what happened in Black Ops either," Tyler Durden, head developer, confesses.  "Modern Warfare baffled me as well.

We just laid on the graphics and huge fonts and archive photos hoping that gamers wouldn't figure it out.  I personally blame the whole thing on Red Bull and Cheetos at 3:00 in the morning..."

One gamer is not concerned.  KillemL writes, "hey guys, gimme a game that lasts more than six hours and I won't care about the story..."

In related news, Crackdown 3 will actually have a story...

Friday, March 4, 2011

GameView Exclusive - Questions for: Duke Nukem

The star of the long awaited Duke Nukem Forever, Duke Nukem himself, was gracious enough to answer our questions in a recent interview.

GV:  Thanks for being here, Mr. Nukem.

DN:  Duke, please.

GV:  Duke, there has been a lot of controversy about the new game, particularly about the constant delays.  Why all the delays?

DN:  Well, it's a simple thing really.  I was waiting for a script I was happy with, not some "Michael Bay" dross.

GV:  I couldn't help but notice your accent.  Where are you originally from?

DN:  Manchester, actually.  Started out doing some local rep.  But I moved to L.A., after noticing that a good portion of the roles were coming from Hollywood.  So I studied tapes of traditional American accents, mostly speeches by Ronald Reagan.

GV:  You mentioned roles in Hollywood.  Were you the first choice for Duke Nukem?

DN:  Sadly, no.  There were two other chaps, one who wouldn't take off his helmet during auditions - claiming he was a "master chef" or something - and some other guy with a Polish name.  Blazcowicz, I believe.   

GV:  Were you surprised by the success of the franchise?

DN:  Absolutely.  I was even more surprised that they ended up using my name for the game.  Of course, Duke Nukem is catchier than "Rob Shootemup".

GV:  The original title.

DN:  Yes.

GV:  Tragic.  So what did you do to prepare for the role?

DN:  Well first - and this was my idea - don't listen to Apogee - I dyed my hair blonde.

GV:  May I ask what your actual hair color is?

DN:  No.

GV:  Fair enough.  What else did you do to prepare?

DN:  Hung out in strip clubs, mostly.  Learning the American vernacular.  Extensive butt-kicking.  And of course weight training.  Thanks Body by Jake.

GV:  Has celebrity changed you?

DN:  I don't think so.  At first it was all lights and glamour, but after awhile you get back to the basics, hone your craft if you will.

GV:  Thank you for your time.

DN:  It's been a thrill and a half.

GV:  You're being sarcastic.

DN:  Maybe.     

Duke Nukem Forever comes out May 3.  Really.

Thursday, March 3, 2011


Charlie Sheen Revealed To Be Illegitimate Son of Muammar Gaddafi...

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Game Critic Decries Use of Product Placement in Video Games (TM)

Andrew Wyeth, game critic for GamerX, opposes the recent trend in video games.

"Blatant advertising in video games is the last straw," he commented, drinking a Red Bull.

I asked him, gnawing on my cherry Twizzler, what should be done to stop this exploitative commercialism from going on.

"I think", replied Mr. Wyeth, showing a chart on his new iPad, "that with anything, the more people oppose it, the less popular it becomes.  So gamers, especially ones checking out the new Nintendo 3DS, stand up against this pandering!"

This article was brought to you by:

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Half-Life's Gordon Freeman Speaks Out

Gordon Freeman, silent but deadly theoretical physicist and star of the Half-Life series, issued a press release earlier today demanding that he should be able to speak in the upcoming Half-Life 3.

"I have a voice," Mr. Freeman explained.  "Other video game stars get to speak in their games, even the LEGO characters.  Of course, they just grunt and sigh a lot, but that's not the point.  My voice shall be heard!"

We asked for a rebuttal from Martin Riggs, head developer of Valve, who created Half-Life.

"Are you kidding me?" he said.  "Oh, Freeman has a voice, trust me.  We just had to cut all of his dialogue."

Mr. Riggs was gracious enough to give us a transcript of the original dialogue never before printed.

Here are some excerpts...

From Half-Life:
SCIENTIST: They're waiting for you Gordon, in the Test Chamber...
FREEMAN:  Heard you the first time you stick-up-the-a** m****er f****er.  Why don't you come down there where the real f***ing work is, dips***t?

From Half-Life 2:
BARNEY: Recognize me, old buddy?
FREEMAN: Of course I do, you p***y.  I saved your sorry a** back at Black Mesa.  And you owe me big time, you rent-a-cop little s**t.

ALYX: Oh, the silent type I see...
FREEMAN:  Hope you're not, b***h. I like my w****s loud when I take them up the a**.

In an ironic twist, Mr. Freeman had no comment.


"Accordion Hero" Not The Hit Activision Hoped For

After the success of the Guitar Hero franchise of rhythm games, Activision took a hit recently with their much anticipated Accordion Hero.

Herb Yankovic, creator of the game, expressed his dismay.  "Kids these days, give 'em a fake guitar and they're happy.  But give 'em an accordion, something you can really get down with, and they aren't interested."

Some critics argue that the selection of music is probably what did the game in.  Music selections included the "Woodpecker Polka" and the "Beer & Pretzels Polka".

But the real dispute stemmed from the controversial "Blue Skirt Waltz Remix".  "You don't mess with the classics," one critic argued.

In related news, Square Dance Caller Hero is in development...