Thursday, June 30, 2011
Michele Bachmann vows the first thing she will do if elected will be to enact bill giving her the right to not answer questions...
Mating turtles shut down runway at JFK, saying "the airlines screw their customers, we're just returning the favor..."
New York governor signs law approving gay marriage, GOP blames progressive thinking, saying that "you won't get any of that from us!"
Due to recent and multiple foul-ups, several airlines are offering Frequent Failure miles...
Notorious crime boss Whitey Bulger arrested; curiously, "Whitey Bulger" also nickname of Anthony Weiner...
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Even after gamers have complained about longer load times in games, many game companies insist that it's a not a bad thing.
3D Realms, the developer of Duke Nukem Forever, explains. "DNF offers gameplay virtually unchanged from its 1996 predecessor, including sub-par graphics and stupid A.I., but also features load times equal to or greater than games of that time period. Gamers may complain, but we just say it adds extra value to the experience."
More and more recent games feature longer load times, mystifying the gaming community. "You would think after all of the technological advances in video games over the last ten years, that these titles wouldn't need to load as much."
But Traveller's Tales, developer of LEGO video games, thinks they have the answer for concerned gamers. "The reason that there are longer loading times is that the load times require loading of their own. It's quite a load..."
Gamer BoutFreakintime comments, "yeah, it's a load of something, all right..."
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Keanu Reeves plans to write autobiography entitled "Tales of Whoa!"...
Softball pitcher Jennie Finch names second son "Diesel", changes first son's name to "Unleaded"...
Wall St. compiles new list of brands that will disappear by 2012, including Sears, Kellogg's Corn Pops, Nokia, and Fox News...
Lindsay Lohan does ad for Beezid.com while under house arrest, tells fans that shopping at the auction website "is a steal"...
Art researchers discover Van Gogh's "self-portrait" actually Mona Lisa. "We don't know who the hell that broad is in DaVinci's painting."
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
In a lavish press-only conference in Los Angeles over the weekend at the Dorothy Chandler Pavilion, home to the Oscars, Rockstar Games gathered representatives from the world press for a special announcement.
After a state-of-the-art video, which was in 3-D for those wanting to purchase special glasses, followed by an interpretive dance performed by the famous troupe Dull, Rockstar representative Terence Knox revealed that Grand Theft Auto V was "well under way". He then added, "That's about it. Thanks for coming."
The news shook the gaming community. "Wow, I knew that it was coming out," a writer for GameR magazine exclaimed, "but now that Rockstar has said that it's actually under way, my excitement is ten-fold!"
Special decals, tattoos and bumper stickers were handed out to the attendees of the event, displaying the new Grand Theft Auto V logo followed by the phrase "Yep, It's Coming".
In related news, 2K Games held an equally lavish event elsewhere, announcing that the upcoming "Bioshock Infinite", which is the third game in the Bioshock franchise, would be the next game released...
Sunday, June 19, 2011
The recently released update for Skype, the free online communication service, includes a feature that will disconnect more people than ever before.
A Facebook representative commented that "after Skype announced a merger with Facebook, it was only natural to implement as many glitches in communication as our Chat service." He then added, "someone has to keep the balance on the Internet. You can't have too many services that work properly. It upsets the status quo..."
Gamers worldwide are furious with the new update, but nevertheless say they will continue to use Skype, because, in one gamer's words, "it's free. 'Nuff said."
Friday, June 17, 2011
Anthony Weiner reportedly sought for endorsement by Oscar Mayer...
Rebecca Black pulls "Friday" video from YouTube, explains "there's way too much quality stuff on there without my music!"
Lada Gaga's meat dress kept in meat locker and dried out by taxidermists. Oddly enough, Lady Gaga is, too...
Newt Gingrich demands apology from NBC, saying his campaign's staff shake-up was not caused by his wife, but by simply being a schmuck...
AZ education chief John Huppenthal nixes Mexican-American studies program, GOP asks him to run for president...
Thursday, June 16, 2011
Sony spokesperson John St. John released a statement today that future Playstation 3 game installation times will double by next year. "Sure, Xbox 360 and Wii game installation is practically instantaneous, but we like to think that our install times reflect the quality of our games."
Mr. St. John also offered suggestions for gamers on what they can do while waiting for their games to install. "Take a long walk, go see a couple of movies, spend the day at the museum," he said. "Maybe when you come back, the install will have completed. For future games, Sony recommends taking a vacation..."
Reviewers have pointed out that the Playstation 3 technology is far superior to the Xbox 360 and the Nintendo Wii, so long installation times should not be a factor.
Mr. St. John offered this rebuttal. "Yes, but can they play Blu-ray movies?"
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
Our resident know-it-all will now answer your gaming questions...
Q: What did you think of E3?
A: I thought it was loud.
Q: My gameplay is choppy and really slow.
A: Maybe you should play a less challenging game, then.
Q: Certain function keys don't seem to work.
A: Makes you wonder why they're called function keys, huh?
Q: How do I change my profile?
A: Turn to the left or right.
Q: I am experiencing a lot of lag.
A: Get some sleep.
Q: I cannot hear any voices.
A: Count yourself lucky.
Q: I'm getting an unrecoverable error.
A: Then you're f**ked.
Q: When I install a game, my virus scan detects a virus.
A: Isn't that what a virus scan is supposed to do?
Q: What are Vertex and Pixel?
Q: How do I look around in a game?
A: Move your head.
Q: How do I change from software to hardware?
A: Look at porn.
Q: My mouse is too sensitive.
A: Sounds like he needs counseling.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Even after receiving the worst reviews of any game released so far this year, gamers have been mysteriously compelled to purchase the long-delayed Duke Nukem Forever, making it the best selling video game of this month.
"I can't explain it," gamer Sheep42 explains. "This thing has become a joke in the gaming community, but it's finally out! It's getting awful reviews, but I have to have it! And even more strangely, I need everyone to know!" "It's like watching a train wreck or a car accident," another gamer, SickF**k, comments. "Of course I would probably buy a game about a train wreck or a car accident."
2K Games CEO Ewell Bynething is ignoring the reviews, but he is not surprised by the success. "People will go for any product or celebrity just because they're popular, which of course we are counting on..."
In related news, the Kardashian sisters, Paris Hilton, and Snooki are all coming out with new video games about themselves just because they can...
Saturday, June 11, 2011
Leaked report shows that smartphone signals threaten jet navigation by unknowingly luring angry birds to aircraft...
Anthony Weiner admits he sent messages to teenage girl but denies wrongdoing. "Denial has worked for me so far," he says.
Justin Bieber meets Selena Gomez's mom, the two of them hit it off instantly. "For one thing, we have the same earrings," she says.
Tim Tebow confirms that his muscles are real in photo, but his junk has been Photoshopped...
Sarah Palin e-mails confirm what was already known about the ex-governor - she is one of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse...
Tracy Morgan booed for anti-gay remarks at Nashville show, audiences later clarify that they were booing because he also wasn't funny...
Friday, June 10, 2011
After the smash success of this year's E3, developers have returned to creating games which require multiple updates, and delaying much anticipated new titles.
A developer from Ubisoft says, "now we can get back to putting the finishing touches on Assassin's Creed: Revelations, which should be ready by 2013..."
Nintendo boss Noriyuta Jones plans to go on vacation now that E3 has wrapped up. "It is our goal to rest on our laurels as much as possible until Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword comes out. And why not? Who's really going to notice?"
Sony Playstation 3 chairman Humbert Humbert claims that "we are already working on exciting new additions to our popular upcoming games, Uncharted 3 and Resistance 3. Next year we will be unveiling Uncharted 4 and Resistance 4..."
Microsoft has high hopes for the upcoming Gears of War 3, saying "we are confident that gamers will look at this as the third game in the Gears of War franchise..."
In related news, attendees worldwide recover from extreme dehydration and muscle pains in special Post E3 clinics set up around the globe...
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
1. It can be used to pan for gold.
2. The Navy SEALS used it to take out Bin Laden.
3. If Nintendo doesn't come out with any quality games, it's pretty much useless.
4. Anthony Weiner should have used it to cover his bulge.
5. It's a poor man's iPad.
6. You can watch internet porn on the touch screen, but your parents will think you're playing Super Mario.
7. It can be used as a really freakin' expensive Etch A Sketch.
8. Upgrades will be surgically implanted to your hand, as the controller will graft itself to you upon first use.
9. It will not be a leading cause of carpal tunnel syndrome when released, but give it time.
10. It's Heart Smart.
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Halo 4 was announced recently at E3 as the first in a new trilogy, but gamers are equally excited and confused.
"How can the the first game in a trilogy be called the fourth one?" writes gamer MasterChef. "Wait, wasn't Halo: Reach the fourth one? Oh f**k it, I'm buying it anyway..."
Also, Grand Theft Auto IV has been changed to VI, a Rockstar representative announced today. "We apologize for the confusion," he explained. "We realize there was a GTA 1, 2, 3, Vice City, and San Andreas. That makes the previously released GTA IV actually GTA VI. Honestly our heads hurt after realizing the error..."
In related news, Final Fantasy XVIII is in development. Or is it XVI? Now my head hurts...
Monday, June 6, 2011
Anthony Weiner confesses to lewd photo, says "I was doing a dumb thing repeatedly & lying about it, which is usually what Republicans do..."
Palin supporters try to create revised version of Paul Revere's midnight ride on Wikipedia. The problem is, they're doing it on Wikipedia.
Mitt Romney and Rick Santorum join presidential run, Carrot Top also announces bid, finds swell of support...
Fox News shows Tina Fey in on-screen graphic for Sarah Palin, voters nationwide say they would prefer to elect Tina Fey...
Paris Hilton defends her new reality show failure, claiming "just being myself has been the hardest job of my life..."
This year's Electronic Entertainment Expo, commonly known as E3, will feature some special guests. Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul, Michele Bachmann, and other 2012 Republican candidates will be speaking at CPAC's new venue, a trade show booth at E3.
New CPAC organizer Paul Ryan explains the bold move. "We want to encourage gamers to get involved in the world around them, but more importantly we want to return credibility to the Republican Party. We're making way for the youth of today, because we're getting rid of the old..."
Curiously, E3 was discovered to be one of the scheduled stops for Sarah Palin's bus tour. But Ms. Palin still dismissed any desire to run. "I'm not here to campaign, oh no, gotta look at those, you know, video games and such. Big fan of that little Italian plumber guy!" She then added, "See you in 2012!"
Sunday, June 5, 2011
We have exclusive excerpts from Sarah Palin's upcoming book, "History As I Remember It"...
"Moses came down from Mount Cyanide, delivered those commandments, parted his red hair or some such..."
"The Italian Renaissance Festival, ya know, they just dressed up as knights and winches, but they had great turkey legs!"
"The Russians bombed Pearl Harbor - my grandparents could see them planning it from Alaska!"
"The Boston Tea Party wrote the Magna Cum Laude, establishing that there prostitutional law..."
"Oh, a buncha guys, ya know, they signed that Declaration of Codependence there, granting equal rights to slaves..."
"Paul Revere and the Raiders rode the British, ya know, right outta Gettysburg! Of course, the British had the address wrong..."
"My ancestors created the right to bear arms so I could, ya know, shoot lots of animals..."
"John McCain, bless 'em, couldn't stop the Civil War, but gave 'em a run for their money!"
"Fox News has been around for at least two hundred years! They just weren't on television before it was invented..."
"That First Amendment says there's a clear line between freedom and speech, so I guess that explains the lamestream media..."
"John Wayne was a true American war hero..."
"The American Indians invented curry and all that, ya know, spicy stuff..."
"Cavemen and dinosaurs lived at the same time of course! If they didn't, then the Flintstones wouldn't be accurate!"
Sarah Palin's bus tour revealed to be publicity stunt by, well, Sarah Palin...
Consumer Reports gives best rating to bird in the hand; two in the bush still second best...
Facebook party in Hamburg spins out of control; police official claims that "this is much worse than the Republican party!"
This just in - Horse dies of dehydration; owner explains that "I led him to water but he just wouldn't drink!"
Apple introduces iCloud, says that new service will change weather; Eric Cantor insists on offsetting budget cuts to pay for service.
Thursday, June 2, 2011
LucasArts boss and Dark Lord of the Sith Paul Meegan announced today that the video game company has decided to "go for broke and deliver some actual quality titles."
"We want to start creating games that are immersive, high-quality and playable," Mr. Meegan explains, "which until now were just words we used...”
After the failure of such titles such as "The Force Unleashed", "The Force Unleashed II", "Unleashing The Force", "Yoda: Unleash The Force You Must", and "Fracture", the game company founded by George Lucas hopes to develop titles that will not be showing up in the half-price bin at GameStop shortly after their releases.
Expect some very impressive Star Wars titles, no more rehashes of LucasArts classics, and the most controversial project - a good Indiana Jones game...
In related news, after the success of their franchise, George Lucas has tapped LEGO to develop the next several movies in the Star Wars series...
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
After the record outage earlier last month, Sony announced today that the additional maintenance for the Playstation Network has been postponed indefinitely, at least until the end of the week.
A Sony representative explains the plan. "After the problems experienced by gamers after the unfortunate outage, it is our goal to perform additional maintenance in addition to the maintenance done after the network was maintained. I want to also add that we are looking at postponing and/or announcing that the service will be up by the end of the week, barring unforeseen circumstances that would postpone the service. I really don't think I can explain it more clearly..."
In totally unrelated news, Bioshock Infinite has been pushed until sometime in the near future...