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Saturday, April 30, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

New ice cream flavor for Ben & Jerry's to coincide with upcoming "POTC: On Stranger Tides" - "Pirates of the Carob Bean"...

Prince William and Kate discovered to be impostors, real couple married at Chapel O' Love in Las Vegas...

This just in...Donald Trump has taken credit for the union of Prince William and Kate Middleton and also the Italian Renaissance...

Website discovered with proof that Fox News is a legit news organization...

Personal note:
Missed the Royal Wedding, but I heard that she was very handsome and his dress was stunning...

A Special Thank You To Fans of GameView

To commemorate GameView's 8585th hit and 80th Follower today, I will be happy to answer any questions you terrific people would like to ask about GameView!

Post the question as a comment and it will magically appear on this post with an equally magical answer!

...that's your cue.

Gloria writes...
What gave you the idea to start Gameview and what are your long term hopes for the project?

Video games have become part of our popular culture, and because of that they are also superb targets for satire.  The gaming industry is just as flawed and fascinating as celebrity or politics.  And my long term hope is a movie deal.  I see Charlie Sheen as the lead.  Or Carrot Top...

Sylvester writes...
What is the favorite comment you've received about Gameview?

I enjoy them all, but my most favorite comments would have to be that one *pointing to comments*, and that one, and of course that one!  Cracks me up every time...

Lynn writes...
When is the new Zelda out? And can we have a poll about the next Game Hero please?

"Zelda: Skyward Sword" is still listed as "To Be Announced 2011", which means that you should expect it sometime in 2013.  The next poll will actually be "Next Game Hero". Or "Best Porn Video Game Title".  I can't decide...

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Still not convinced by his birth certificate, Tea Partiers demand to know if Obama is really African-American...

This just in...Donald Trump has taken credit for the invention of penicillin, the defeat of Hitler, and the success of "Cheers"...

Arnold Schwarzeneggar plans to return to big screen after successful governor publicity stunt...

Fans are shocked when next Harry Potter film trailer reveals it's a musical...

Paramount signs deal with Parker Brothers to produce franchise of movies based on popular boardgames...

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Gears of War 3 Beta Offered To Entice Viewing of Royal Wedding

In an effort to get gamers to watch the upcoming wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, all of the major 24 hour news networks are offering a special incentive - the multiplayer beta for the much anticipated Gears of War 3...

"Normally, I wouldn't give a shit," says gamer HaloTilidie, "but suddenly I am very excited about the upcoming Royal marriage!"

CNN and other networks have tried to get people interested in watching their 24 hour coverage of the roughly hour long wedding.  "Sure, it's a royal wedding," a representative of CNN explained. "But more importantly, what will Kate be thinking? What kind of hat will Meredith Vieira be wearing?  Will Justin Bieber perform a song?  And will Princess Diana reach out from The Beyond to lend her presence to the wedding?"

In related news, a Resistance 3 beta will be offered to gamers who keep watching the SyFy Channel...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

New Eyjafjallajökull Volcano Game Gives Gamers Enjoyment They Can't Pronounce

This week gamers have been testing the new build of an upcoming game based on last year's eruption of the Icelandic volcano Eyjafjallajokull, with interesting results.

"I can't describe the experience, let alone pronounce it," one gamer explains."Really."

Smari Guojohnsenjohnsenalalla Games head developer Fjalar Bryndísarsongudmundsfathersdottir wants to give gamers a title that will stay with them for a long time.

In the game, you play Bjorgolfur Thor Bjorgolssonbjorgen, a covert agent of Team Steingramuresanna Hermannssonenesson," Mr. Bryndísarsongudmundstayawayfrommydottir explains. "You can also play as Kristjan Einareftekikovsky Kristanssonanosonojkovik."

Look for the final release of "Eyjafjallajokull: The Siege of Unnubirnacarminaburana Vilhjalmsdottir" sometime next month.  And remember to ask for it by name.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Historical Misconceptions by Today's Geek

1) American settlers had Wi-Fi.  (not true, but they did have dial-up...)

2) Genghis Khan was Captain Kirk's mortal enemy...

3) Paul Revere texted "1 if by land, 2 if by sea"...

4) Alexander Graham Bell invented the iPhone...

5) William Shakespeare wrote "Transformers"...

6) The Civil War was a battle between PC and MAC users...

7) Bill Gates wrote the Constitution...

8) Pac-Man was popular with early man. (actually, they loved Pong...)

9) Betsy Ross designed the American flag with Photoshop...

10) The Boston Tea Party was a bunch of morons bitching about big government...

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

GOP blames Obama for recent Playstation Network outage...

Kid Rock finds his name "dumb"; people worldwide say "duh"...

Donald Trump's hair piece goes on worldwide publicity tour...

Garden gnomes worldwide rally for more environmentally safe pesticides...

Reboot - noun. synonym for "Hollywood has run out of ideas"....

Personal note: loving this new online foreign language correspondence course. Who knew that "auf wiedersehen" meant "parlez vous francais"?

Saturday, April 23, 2011

GameView Presents: Ask The FAQ Guy for April

Our resident know-it-all will now answer your gaming questions...

Q: I need a cheat for a video game.

A: I don't give out that kind of information.  But talk to me afterward... 

Q: My OS won't run my PC MMO.

A: Guess you're SOL.

Q: What's better? The Kinect or the Move?

A: The one with the interaction.

Q: Steve orders a pizza.  Polly takes 1/3 of the pizza.  Dan takes 3/4.  How much is left?

A: Go away.

Q: How can I run my classic games on Windows XP?

A: You can't run any great games on XP.

Q: Are you a PC or a MAC?

A: Neither.  I'm a human being.

Q: My girlfriend won't talk to me.

A: Have you told her how you feel?  Have you asked her "are you loved"?

Q: Do you have any kick-ass recommendations for smokin' first person shooters?

A: Don't inhale.

Q: What's your take on game delays?

A: I'll tell you later.

Q: What's the dumbest question you've ever been asked?

A: See all of the previous questions...

Friday, April 22, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Scientists discover absolutely nothing this week, quit day jobs, resume porn film careers...

R-Patz and K-Stew dispute R-mor about Split-p...

Snooki reveals dramatic weight loss and new beige colored skin...

Android smartphones rebel against users, citing "end of human race" and "world domination"...

This just in...Charlie Sheen does some more damn fool things, says more inane related news, Donald Trump does same thing...

Personal note:
WTF for today...Twitter suggestion for who to follow - @twitter

Thursday, April 21, 2011

GameView Exclusive - Questions For: The Guy Who Delays Video Games

Today we talk to someone who is unknown in the gaming world, but crucial to the industry.  He wishes to be anonymous to avoid hate mail and death threats...

GV: Thanks for being here. 

NA: Not a problem.  Got plenty of time.  That's my little joke.  And call me "Tom".

GV: "Tom Delay"?

TD: Yeah, that's...funny.  Move on.

GV: So you're the guy who decides whether or not a game is delayed?

TD: Yeah, that's me.  It's an unknown position, I'm anonymous, so I don't get complaints.

GV: Why do you have so much influence in the gaming industry?

TD: Well, I knew most of the guys in college, so I also know their dirty little secrets.  So naturally they value my opinion.

GV: What do you enjoy about your job?

TD: Well, I love working with marketing, you know, generating interest in the game, then doing an announcement that it has been delayed.  Cracks me up.  My personal favorite is Duke Nukem Forever. That has been loads of fun...

GV: Are there any games you are currently working on delaying?

TD: Oh sure.  My latest project is Half-Life 3.  Yeah, that's not coming out anytime soon...

GV: Thanks for your time.  And may I speak for the entire gaming community when I say, "f**k you".

TD: Hey, just doing my job...

Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Steam Announces New Upgrade - Downloads Will Now Only Take 48 Hours

The popular game digital distribution service Steam will be undergoing a massive new upgrade that will cut game download times in half - approximately 48 hours instead of the usual 96.

"We realized people wanted to get their games as quickly as possible, and return their broadband connection to its original speed, so this upgrade will help them somewhat," said a Steam developer.

Steam, known as the downloadable service for such Valve games as Half-Life 2 and the recently released Portal 2, has been criticized by gamers for its abnormally long download times.

Another Steam developer offers this reasoning. "The load times reflect the quality of the game, in my opinion.  Besides, once it has been downloaded, the gamer is really really wanting to play the title, and hopefully too exhausted to complain..."

Expect the new upgrade in the next month, and the download to take the rest of 2011...

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

ABC Has Fingers Crossed For "Dancing With The Geeks"

HOLLYWOOD - After the smash success of the reality show "Dancing With The Stars", ABC is upping the ante with the upcoming "Dancing With The Geeks".

"Quite frankly," explains DWTS director Alex Rudzinski, "we didn't think any of them could dance.  And well, we were right..."

DWTG producer R. U. Folinfordis describes his strategy. "A lot of people were wanting to feature famous geeks like Bill Gates, Wil Wheaton, Steve Jobs and Felicia Day.  But I wanted to give some unknowns, particularly gamers, a chance to really embarrass themselves, and what better place than on television in front of millions of viewers?"

Some of the geeks that have been chosen as contestants for the new series voiced their concerns and their excitement.  "My God, it's high school all over again," said CaptTrips.  Usux10 commented, "Felicia Day won't be dancing with me?" 2Hot4u expressed her excitement.  "I'm getting out of the house and dancing with boys!  Throw in a lifetime supply of pizza and I'm in heaven!"  Guildfan also commented on his selection.  "Felicia Day won't be dancing with me?" he said.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

This just in...rock beats scissors, scissors files restraining order. Paper was unavailable for comment...

A watched pot never boils....or maybe you just forgot to turn on the burner.

This just in...kettle accuses pot of using inappropriate racial slur...

Special K Breakfast Bars announces new slogan - "Special K: the cereal killer."

Personal note:
I did a Yahoo search for "Bing" got jealous.

Sunday, April 17, 2011

Hey Kids! GV Exclusive Interview With The Easter Bunny!

Today we interview one of the most popular holiday icons - the Easter Bunny!

GV: Welcome!

EB: Yeah thanks.  Isn't this a game blog?

GV: We'll get to that in a bit.  So Mr. Bunny...

EB: Peter, or Pete...

GV: Peter Cottontail?

EB: Whatever floats your boat.  Got a smoke?

GV: Isn't that bad for you?

EB: Hey, it's my day off. Sue me.

GV: Well I'd like to thank you for coming in on your day off.  I suppose you're getting ready for next Sunday?

EB: Yeah.  Got my eggs ordered and everything.

GV: Don't you make your own eggs?

EB: What do I look like, a chicken?  These things come already painted too.  Thank God for eBay...

GV: So keeping with the theme of this blog, do you play video games, and if so, what are your favorites?

EB: Oh yeah, I play lots of games.  Mostly Call of Duty, Bulletstorm, that sort.  I stay away from Mario, Kirby, etc. Any games where I have to hop or jump.  I do that crap plenty in real life.

GV: So what other hobbies do you have, since you only work one day of the year?

EB: Yeah, it's a cushy gig, ain't it?  Great benefits too.  Of course, I don't feel have the recognition that other holiday icons have, particularly Santa Claus.  Fat bastard.

GV: Thanks for your time, and "hoppy Easter"!

EB: Yeah, like I've never heard that one...

"Guitar Hero: Spinal Tap" Celebrates "England's Loudest Band"

In an effort to reinvigorate the failed Guitar Hero music game franchise, Activision announced today that they are recruiting support from an equally failed band.

"Guitar Hero: Spinal Tap" promises to breathe new life into the franchise or kill it completely.

Legendary Tap guitarist Nigel Tufnel is very excited about the joint venture. "It's quite exciting, really. I have always fancied myself a "guitar hero" so I am looking forward to donning a cape and fighting evil blokes in the game..."

Bass player Derek Smalls is skeptical about the new game, but also enthusiastic about the possibilities.  "I admit, I haven't really delved into the whole video game genre per se in quite a while, but I think this will be some much needed competition for Pac Man..."

Lead vocal David St. Hubbins also voiced his excitement for the game. "I think it will reach young people and bring us a new audience in which to blow their minds with our blistering rock and roll.  And I need the money, honestly.."

Gamers will have the opportunity to play their favorite Tap hits such as "Listen To The Flower People", "Stonehenge", "Big Bottom", and "Break Like The Wind"...

Expect "Guitar Hero: Spinal Tap" soon.  Unless of course, they change their minds... 

Saturday, April 16, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

This week Animal Planet debuts their new reality show about competing dog groomers. Don't miss "Doggie Style"!

Sarah Palin warns people to not be fooled by the deceptive charm of President Obama. "He's a wolf in cheap clothing," she says.
Lady Gaga introduces new collection of meat based clothing line...

Miley Cyrus skips U.S. on new world tour, cites reason as "hissy fit"...

Howard Stern promises that new "Porky's" film franchise will be just as crappy as original movies...

Personal note:
I tried googling Google.  It had a nervous breakdown.

Friday, April 15, 2011

New "Jersey Shore" Game Appeals to Popular Brain Dead Gamer Demographic

Based on the popular MTV reality series, the forthcoming video game "Jersey Shore: So F**kin' What?" is predicted to appeal to the recently popular "brain dead gamer" demographic, as the show appeals to the similiarly popular "brain dead fans" demographic.

"We're giving them what they want," claims Guido Games developer Housa Mindin Stor.  "The game challenges the player just as the show challenges the viewer, in that there is no challenge at all."

Gamers will have the option to play as their favorite stars Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi or Michael "The Situation" Sorrentino, depending on the sex and morality of the player.

Look for the new game to hit shelves sometime this year, hopefully when the show has been cancelled...  

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

NBC announces new series in Law & Order franchise - "Law & Order: SUV"...

CBS announces new crossover series "NCSI"...

KFC's new Triple Down sandwich will come with added value heart bypass coupon...

Pamprin announces new slogan - "The best for relief of your pain. Period."

Wisconsin Congressman Paul Ryan wins GOP "Howdy-Doody Look-Alike" contest...

Super Mario's Princess Peach Writes Tell-All Book

The object of video game icon Mario's affections, Princess Peach, will be coming out with a new tell-all book entitled "I'm No Peach: My Galaxy, Not Mario's".

It will detail the troubled past of the video game "damsel in distress", including her little-reported love triangle with both of the Super Mario Bros.

"Mario was fine," she confides in her new book.  "But I really like Italian men, and Luigi is his brother.  You do the math; we had some hot fun."

She also explains that Bowser, the villain in Mario's adventures, was actually very needy. "He wasn't really bad so to speak, he just wanted someone to talk to.  Many times he would vent to me about Mario thwarting his every move, how much it cost to build his devious traps, and of course his size issues.  Which weren't issues, believe me..."

Ms. Peach, sorry, Princess Peach, also writes about her troubled past with other video game icons.  "Duke Nukem and B.J. Blazcowicz were some of the best lovers I ever had.  People do ask me about Link from time to time, but nothing happened I assure you.  I always thought he was gay..."

Details about her various addictions are also revealed in the new book.  "I got really juiced on stars, power-ups, and mushrooms.  There's a reason why Mario picked those up constantly, people..."

Look for Princess Peach's new book next month...


Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

In related news, something related happened...

Recent studies show that most studies are pointless...

New evidence shows that Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster don't exist, but Fox News actually does... 

Premiere of Lars Von Trier's "Happy People With No Problems" receives negative reviews...

Nationwide search for Glenn Beck replacement continues; Charlie Sheen and Muammar Gaddafi still front runners...

Personal note:
I've been on Facebook too long. I was enjoying an article in an actual magazine and got confused when I couldn't find the "Like" button...

Monday, April 11, 2011

New Help For Bejeweled and Zuma Addicts

After being declared a serious threat by the Drug Enforcement Administration and Food and Drug Administration, there is finally help for players of the Facebook games Bejeweled Blitz and Zuma Blitz.

Clinics are now available worldwide to aid gamers with their addiction, and online help lines are being created for these unfortunate saps.

"It's like crack," one recovering addict explains. "You can't stop playing, and people keep giving you free coins and power-ups.  I just couldn't stop.  Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get to my Angry Birds Anonymous meeting."

For more information on how to help, please donate your time and money to this website:

Sunday, April 10, 2011

Special Feature: Ten Years Ago...

"blog": rare skin condition-as in "how's that blog healing?"

"facebook": not as popular as "facepalm" but much more painful...

"tweet": what birds do.

"twitter": see "tweet"

Stay tuned for updates...
Can you think of some? Let me know!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

A Twitter Home Companion

You've joined Twitter, and now you want to experience the magic.

Twitter - a place where you can share your thoughts and talk to your favorite celebrities. Of course they still ignore you, but it's safer than crashing their parties...

But how do you know how to get the most out of your new venture?

Here's some easy to follow tips. Bear with me, because ever since I joined Twitter, my thoughts are only 140 characters or less...

1) Don't talk about your daily routine.
No one cares what you thought of your breakfast, or how your date went last night. Unless of course, you are a celebrity. Then your Followers will cling to your every word.

2) Keep it short, abbreviation is a must.
Mk thngs brf, kp ur twts shrt: you only have 140 characters - make them count.

3) Retweeting can be fun.
If you like something that was said, forward it to your Followers. Except anything by Charlie Sheen - he's just plain bonkers.

4) Follow your favorite celebrities, but at a distance.
You don't want to raise suspicions.
(sorry, that was from my Tips for Stalkers)

5) Tweet often.
You want to keep your Followers, don't you? Besides, what else do you have to do?

I hope this guide has helped you, and will make your Twitter experience that much more enjoyable. I welcome any comments you have, but please don't follow me, because it creeps me out.

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Government shutdown avoided - Congress resumes non-decision making...

Presidential hopeful Donald Trump nominates own hair piece as Vice President...

There's too much repetition in the world today. There's too much repetition in the world today.

Oil reserves discovered on Mars; government resumes funding for NASA...

SyFy channel announces new Original Movies "Psoriasis: Chaos Rising", "Doomsday: The Beckian Prophecy", and "Really Cheap CGI Starring Has-Beens"... 

Friday, April 8, 2011

Theologians and Gamers Agree: Nintendo 3DS Is Not Second Coming

The new Nintendo 3DS, a hand-held gaming device which enables players to experience 3D without glasses, has not become the miracle that was hoped for.

Gamers and theologians alike have expressed their dismay.  "Truly the signs were there," comments Theology Professor Bill Bradlee, "but alas the second coming foretold has not come to be.  Bummer."
Gamer Nintendont expressed his disdain for the new device.  "I wanted to see the light; I truly did.  But it turned out to be a false prophet.  This has seriously made me question my beliefs.  Oh!  That's the doorbell!  Pizza time!"

A spokesman for Nintendo issued a statement earlier today.  "We sincerely apologize for the misunderstanding.  The Nintendo 3DS was not intended to be the Second Coming, but a sign of the Apocalypse.  Our bad."

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Glenn Beck Becomes Game Reviewer, Will Only Review Titles About Apocalypse

After being informed that his show was being cancelled by Fox News, Glenn Beck announced in a press release this morning that he will start a game review website.  But he has insisted that he will only review game titles which feature "end of the world" scenarios.

"I feel these games offer important tips on how to survive the impending holocaust," he explained.  "When Hitler comes back, the gaming community will be the best informed on what to do.  And of course, the Tea Party..."

Beck, known for his scare tactics to influence his opinions, is excited about the new venture.  "Now I can scare the crap out of a larger audience.  When I think of the possibilities, I wet myself."

Expect upcoming reviews of the following game titles based on the apocalypse...

Fallout 2
Fallout 3
Enslaved: Odyssey To The West
Gears of War
Gears of War 2
Gears of War 3
Resistance: Fall of Man
Resistance 2
S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Shadow of Chernobyl
Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead 2
Bionic Commando
Dead Rising
Dead Rising 2
Crysis 2
Zombie Apocalypse
Metro 2033
F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin
F.E.A.R. 3

...sorry, out of room...

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Health experts have concluded that pretty much everything is bad for you, so everyone is doomed.  They added, "have a nice day"...

Rep. Michele Bachmann says that a government shutdown could be avoided "if they just rebooted..."

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Not indoors, anyway...

Warner Bros. announces sequel to 1996 hit "Twister" - "Twister 2: It Sucks"...

New Pepsi Taste-Free will have slogan "No Aftertaste. No Taste At All"...

Personal note:
My doctor gave me a placebo for my headache. Which was fine because I really didn't have one...

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Gamers Spammed With Actual "SPAM"

In the most elaborate and cruel malware campaign ever created, actual cans of "SPAM" were sent to gamers worldwide Monday.

"I was checking Twitter, reading my e-mail, "comments gamer MntyPython, "when suddenly I was spammed big time.  But with actual cans of SPAM!  What the hell is this stuff, anyway?"

SPAM marketer Don T. Lookatmee denies that he was involved in the vile campaign.  "But truth be told, I wish I had come up with it first."

Fox News was the first to report on the phenomenon.  Roger Ailes, president of the network, insisted there was a political connection.  "This foul trick reeks of the Liberals and their agenda," he said.  "And it actually reeks!  The smell!  Ewww..."

White House press secretary Jay Carney released a White House response to Mr. Ailes this morning.  "President Obama says, quote, 'Roger, get a life.' End quote."     

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Charlie Sheen's live show in Detroit bombs, but not for the expected reasons. "He's a terrible singer," explained one of the attendees. "His tribute to Elvis was deplorable..."

Republican Party says they don't have problems with President's policies; just still disappointed with Obama's failed 1995 talk show...

If you synch Pink Floyd's "Dark Side Of The Moon" to one of Glenn Beck's shows, he's still full of crap...

Crosswords have become political; today's answer to 5 down - Obama's birthplace - is "Kenya"...

Today Frederick's of Hollywood announced their brand new line of "Heart Smart" edible panties...

Personal note:
I once met a wise old man who could tell me the secret of life. Of course, he also kept calling me "Sparky"...

Disney Would Apologize To Everyone For "Epic Mickey" But "They Really Don't Care"

Disney's "Epic Mickey" was predicted to be the Christmas hit of 2010, but was blasted by critics and gamers alike when it came out.

In a statement released this morning after the surprising announcement of Epic Mickey 2, a Disney spokesman explained that "Disney would really like to apologize to everyone who was disappointed with the game, but the truth is, they really couldn't care less.  I quote, 'you bought the game right?  And we got your money.  So quit bitching.' End quote."

In related news, the remastered limited edition of "Old Yeller" went on sale this morning and will be pulled from shelves this afternoon...

Saturday, April 2, 2011

"Celebrity Apprentice" Game Pits Gamers Against Their Favorite Entertainment Has-Beens

Fans of Donald Trump's popular show "Celebrity Apprentice" will soon be able to face-off with their favorite once-celebrities in a new game based on the hit series.

"I'm so excited," comments gamer DncgwStarz.  "I've always wanted to yell at Meatloaf and Dionne Warwick, particularly Ms. Warwick.  'Solid Gold' just plain sucked..."

Donald Trump offers his take on the new game.  "It's really going to be something special that will be remembered.  And more importantly, it will feature me - the next President of the United States..."

Friday, April 1, 2011

For April Fool's Day, Game Companies Offer Titles That Don't Have Any Bugs

As an April Fool's Day prank, game companies including Ubisoft and Activision are offering bug-removal updates to bug-infested classics such as Far Cry 2, but the updates last for one day only.

"Tomorrow, the games revert and go back to their original bug-ridden state," explains Ubisoft head developer Heywood Jablome.  A member of the game community, Harry Butoks, comments that "gamers will have a one-time opportunity to experience these games as they were supposed to be when they were released."  Activision head Mike Hunt also commented that "this move will also influence new developers to continue the tradition of producing and releasing titles that aren't finished."

In related news, a certain fake gaming news blog has been accused of using joke names in their April Fool's Day article...