Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Nancy Grace joins "Dancing With The Stars" as dancer, judge, jury, and executioner...
Michele Bachmann does not advocate progressive thinking. "History has taught us...and we need to put a stop to that."
Dick Cheney promises that his new book will stay at a good distance from the facts.
Nationwide poll suggests that the next hurricane should be named "Eric" or "Michele"...
Fox News attacks Google as being "anti-church". "Not true", says a Google representative, "but we are 'anti-Fox News'..."
Many people are disappointed that Irene wasn't more destructive. "But at least it was in 3D..."
Michele Bachmann says Hurricane Irene was message from God that Washington needs to change policies. God quoted as replying, "cut it out".
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
To coincide with the new tell-all book by Dick Cheney, a new video game has been released. "Are You Meaner Than Dick Cheney?" pits gamers against the former vice president.
A game developer - who does not wish to be identified - says that "all situations depicted had to be carefully translated to the game, as the original manuscript for the book was written in human blood."
Player levels start with the novice level Eric Cantor, experienced level Bin Laden and of course the most challenging level, Dick Cheney himself.
The publisher of the game, WMD, provided us with a sample question:
1) An old lady needs help across the street. What do you do?
a) Help old lady across street
b) Do a full body search of old lady
c) Administer water-boarding on old lady
Gamestop is offering non-incentives to purchase "Are You Meaner Than Dick Cheney?", including "continued ownership of your mortal soul", and "goodwill toward men and women of all races and creeds".
In related news, "Call of Duty: Battle For Benefits" is expected to hit shelves not soon enough.
Monday, August 29, 2011
This just in - Eric Cantor says Hurricane Irene was just a publicity stunt for FEMA...
AR middle school includes Bush and Cheney In ‘Top 5 worst people of all time’ list. In related news, Fox News boycotts Arkansas.
Tabloid TMZ posts post-resignation photo of Steve Jobs, violates own rule of not sensationalizing talented celebrities...
Bridesmaid attends wedding on iPad, gets hit on by smartphones.
This just in - 87% of population disapprove of Congress; remaining 13 percent who approve discovered to be relatives...
Gamers worldwide have started a petition to rid the Internet of GIFs which feature one or more cats engaged in cute behavior. They claim that these GIFs contain subliminal messages. "And what are these messages?", explains gamer CatFancy, "to watch more cat GIFs! I can't get enough of them! They must be stopped!"
There are also worldwide petitions being created to eliminate GIFs of people experiencing bodily harm. "Except for that guy who does the flip into oncoming traffic," admits gamer Jackass15. "That one still cracks me up."
There is also an investigation being conducted by the NSA to find out where these GIFs are coming from. "They're like those jokes you hear in high school. Where do these come from? Their origin is a mystery."
Friday, August 26, 2011
Rick Perry flies to North Carolina, planning to part the waters. "And if that doesn't work, I'll shoot it..."
Producers are accused of faking encounters during Kim Kardashian's wedding. Reality show viewers claim there's something familiar about it.
Libyan rebels find photo album of Condoleezza Rice in Gaddafi's compound, return it to George W. Bush. "Wonderin' where that was," he said.
This just in - GOP blames Obama for the East Coast earthquake, Steve Jobs' resignation, and the box office failure of "Conan The Barbarian".
In his new memoir, Dick Cheney reveals that he had a secret, signed letter of resignation locked in a safe at all times. People say they wish he had used it a long time ago...
Thursday, August 25, 2011
When "Deus Ex: Human Revolution" was released Tuesday, unsuspecting PC gamers might have discovered a surprise in the boxes - a coupon from online service OnLive for a free download. But that wasn't the end of the story.
"We fervently raced to remove all coupons after a directive from our field manager," explains GameStop employee Todd Graff. "Many gamers were very upset that their boxes had been opened. But they were really upset because we also didn't remove a propaganda insert from the Tea Party."
The Tea Party, the nation's inexplicable political party, had bargained with OnLive to also insert their own fliers and membership applications in an effort to attract the youth vote to their cause.
"We can explain," explained GameStop Field Manager Russ Freeman. "We removed the OnLive coupon because we didn't want a third party involved in our sales of the game. But we left the Tea Party inserts because we figured gamers were going to throw them away anyway..."
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Canadian officials predict that applications for citizenship will skyrocket if Rick Perry is elected...
This just in - mama grizzly featured in new SarahPAC ad sues for defamation of character...
In the tradition of "Where's Waldo?", Libyan rebels host live game in Tripoli called "Where's Muammar?"
Paul Ryan is charging $15 admission for his town hall appearances, claiming that the fee is for people who want to see him in 3D. People say they would be surprised if he had more than one dimension...
This just in - the XBLA game "Sheep" is a hit with the Tea Party...
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Team Ico, the developer for the classic games "ICO" and "Shadow of the Colossus", has their own interpretation of the phrase used by many developers when asked about a game's release date.
"Usually they tell people that the game will come out 'when it's done', but we like to think that when we announce a game, 'when it's done' really means 'not coming out in your lifetime," explains ICO CEO Hiro Miho. "As of now, we have no plans to release 'The Last Guardian'. But we will be showcasing it in future expos." Sony Computer Entertainment Worldwide Studios boss Loda Bulshida claims that the marketing campaign for "The Last Guardian" could continue into the next century. "GameStop is already taking pre-orders, and that revenue should pay for it. Non-product advertising is the wave of the future."
Mr. Miho says that gamers should also not look for upcoming sequels to "ICO" and "Shadow of the Colossus" sometime in the near future.
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Sources say that after the revenue has been totaled up from E! and People, Kim Kardashian's wedding will be her most profitable venture...
Sarah Palin criticizes Warren Buffett for his remarks about coddling the wealthy. "He really went downhill after 'Margaritaville'..."
Christine O'Donnell walks off Piers Morgan's show after he asks about her views on masturbation. Mr. Morgan says it was just a misunderstanding. "I was referring to the jack-offs on Fox..."
Rick Perry promises that if elected he will change the Constitution. "I plan to remove anything I find objectionable except that one 'bout guns."
"Woot", "retweet", "sexting", "mankini" added to Oxford Dictionary. In related news, "credible" removed as word describing Oxford Dictionary.
Thursday, August 18, 2011
Plusisms - words that imply something to do with Google+
also a common medical disorder as in "if you don't eat better, there's a good chance you'll have a plusism..."
“Circle Me!” - like Friend Me on Facebook or Follow Me on Twitter, but less creepy. Think of it as a "group hug".
Circles - categories for organizing your social network. See: Levels of Hell, Dante
Comment - respond to a post with your own thoughts to show people how clever you are, or dispute their claims that you are not as clever as you are.
Comments - a list of responses to a post added by various Plussers. Also, a contest conducted by posters to see who can fill up your entire stream with 60 or more comments.
Disable comments - prevent Plussers from adding comments to a post. Use this if you're not a big fan of contests.
Extended Circles - the circles of people who are in your circles. Basically like a huge gathering of several family reunions. Feel free to crash them all.
Games button - Google's latest deterrent for conversations and other social interactions.
Games in Google+ - The Devil. See above.
Google+ - "Google Plus", Google's social networking project. Duh.
Hangout - an online gathering via video conferencing technology. Usually plagued by assorted bugs preventing from people actually interacting with each other.
Invite - have someone join the “limited field trial” of Google. Kind of like when you wanted to be one of the cool kids in high school, but were ridiculed. Now you can be the cool kid. And those kids are probably doing time now.
Notifications - updates you receive on other Plussers activity. Also known as "surveillance". Also see: stalking
Photos button - displays a gallery of photos from people in your circles, most of which are annoying "LOLcat" images.
Plus, “+1”, Plussed, "+1"d - recommend other people's comments or posts to someone, or just to kill time.
Plusser(s) - people, companies, etc. sharing things on Google+ i.e. other poor schmucks like you.
Profile - information about you that other people can see. Like a work resume, in that you should make up lots of stuff about yourself.
Share - repost an item originally posted by someone else i.e. "love that LOL cat image! Think I'll spread the hate!"
Sparks - news, videos, etc. based on your interests. If you have no interests, just a thing on the side of your screen that reads, "Sparks".
Stream - a stream with items shared by all of your circles. Also near impossible to keep up with most of the time.
Tag - tagging embarrassing photos of your friends for all to see. Also, a good way to lose the aforementioned friends.
Thumbnail image - a small preview version of a photo.
Thumbnail video - a small preview version of a video.
Thumbnail - The nail on your thumb that you can take images of or film a video of.
Webcam - an Internet-enabled camera connected to a computer. Perfect for showing people what you really look like. Not recommended, unless of course you're actually wearing clothes while posting.
Jersey Shore cast members offered non-endorsement deal from Abercrombie & Fitch. In related news, they received a huge deal from The Gap...
Michele Bachmann blames her fact checker on Elvis Presley birthday gaffe; sources reveal Michele Bachmann is her own fact checker...
George W. Bush publicly expresses sympathy for Rick Perry. "All of us sufferers of 'Foot In Mouth' disease gotta stick together..."
Michele Bachmann insists that "submissive" means "respect". "In fact, Marcus always chooses my 'safe word'..."
NEWSOPHERE OF THE FUTURE
January 20, 2013 - Barack Obama starts his second term as President. He is elected by default due to all Republican candidates eventually canceling themselves out because of numerous scandals and volatile statements...
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Gamers who play Driver: San Francisco, Shift 2: Unleashed, Need For Speed: Hot Pursuit, and Mario Kart Wii have been targeted by the new bill, requiring them to take responsibility for their actions. "These youth are prime examples of the apathy toward innocent bystanders who don't actually exist in the real world. This kind of senseless violence must end."
The requested bill follows shortly after the GOP unsuccessfully supported the unfounded rumor that President Obama was responsible for Rockstar Games Grand Theft Auto series.
When asked her opinion on the new bill, Michele Bachmann replied, "I'm running for president..."
Sunday, August 14, 2011
Tim Pawlenty drops out of presidential race; Americans comment, "zzzzz....what?"
Michele Bachmann says that if elected, she plans to rid the American people of big government, homosexuality, and common sense...
Paramount announces new Star Trek reality show, "Keeping Up With The Cardassians"...
Viewers of Republican debate dispute claims vs. facts, claiming there weren't any facts...
Sarah Palin crashes Iowa State Fair, but still insists that she is not announcing her presidential bid, adding "also, bears do not crap in the woods..."
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Paul W.S. Anderson, writer, producer and director of the "classic" video game movies "Aliens Vs. Predator", "Mortal Kombat", and the "Resident Evil" franchise, criticized other directors of video game adaptations recently. "A lot of these people don't respect the material they're ripping off. I, however, am true to the video games spirit, in that I change crucial elements, but in an artistic way."
Mr. Anderson, further explains that "the narrative of the video game doesn't always translate easily to the big screen, so I find it's easier to do away with it entirely. And that's what makes my crap special..."
Uwe Boll, director of video game adaptations of "Postal", "Alone In The Dark", "Far Cry", "Bloodrayne", and "House of the Dead" all of which flopped at the box office, disputed Mr. Anderson's claims in a press release. Mr Boll was quoted as saying, "Wen das fickt, ist er machend Spaß?" (translation: Who the f**k is he kidding?) End quote.
In related news, Milla Jovovich signed an unprecedented contract for thirty more films in the "Resident Evil" series...
Thursday, August 11, 2011
"Jersey Shore" debuts fourth season, travels to Italy. Snooki says "we wanted to visit the home of the 'french kiss'..."
Rush Limbaugh says he doesn't believe in the heat index. "It's just another political conspiracy, like science..."
Kim Kardashian protests new 3D posters, claiming "they should be one-dimensional like me!"
Famed Austrian museum fires employee for washing his hands and face with his urine. "That's a pisser," said the employee...
George Lopez late-night TV talk show canceled due to poor response from anyone with a pulse...
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
The CEO explains, "we have concluded that DNF was incredibly successful because, quite simply, people are sheep. As our research and observation of the behavior of the Tea Party has proven, large groups of people will buy anything."
Though exact sales have yet to be determined, Take-Two is undeterred. "We are currently developing the sequel, Duke Nukem: Buy It Bitches!, which we are confident will top the original, because people will still have not learned."
One of the gamers who purchased the game was quoted as saying "Baaaaaa..."
Monday, August 8, 2011
Newsweek admits they chose a cover photo of Michele Bachmann that made her look crazy "because we couldn't find one that made her look credible..."
Rick Perry thanks anti-gay groups in “Response” rally remarks. "If it wasn't for you and other close-minded people, I wouldn't be Governor..."
Kanye West claims "people look at me like I'm Hitler"; recent poll shows most people try to not look at him at all...
GOP slams Obama for only getting 98% of what they wanted from deal. In other news, three-year-olds behave better than GOP...
Fox News website says Obama’s birthday party didn't create jobs, "but then again, neither do we..."
Sunday, August 7, 2011
A recent rumor started on Facebook claims that God of War IV is in the works. What is supposed to be an announcement of the fourth chapter in the popular franchise for the Playstation 3 has been quickly dismissed by Sony developers. "One warning sign that this is simply an unfounded rumor is that it is on Facebook."
Other game announcements and news have been widely posted on Facebook, 95% of them disputed and later dismissed altogether. One user explains, "it's very much like those messages you get from friends that they answered some question about you in an app. Utter bullshit."
The rumor was started by a new logo and announcement posted on Facebook, claiming that "God of War IV" was "Coming in 2012", but has now proven to be a screenshot from a fan-made trailer. "People read this on Facebook," the fan in question said, "and they actual believed it? Owned!"
In related news, details for upcoming Microsoft Kinect games have been disproven by gamers and critics alike simply because they were posted on Wikipedia...
Thursday, August 4, 2011
New "Super Congress" announced; Tea Party changes its name to "Kryptonite"...
Decision to kill off Charlie Sheen's character in "Two And A Half Men" was nixed, because as Chuck Lorre puts it, "he pretty much did that for us..."
Tea Party champion Rand Paul defends tarnished image. "I don't see anything about my perception of the public's will that tells me I need to do less. In fact, they actually tell me to do much less..."
MTV marks its 30th anniversary, then officially removes "Music" from name, "because we don't actually play that stuff anymore..."
Former staffer for Newt Gingrich says Gingrich bought his Twitter followers; people pretend to be shocked...
"Snooki" wants to change her name back to "Nicole". In related news, people want to change show name "Jersey Shore" to "Crap"...
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The creators of Foursquare are encouraging gamers to discover the world around them. The popular social networking app enables users to interact with other users in their areas and collect "badges" when they unlock certain places in their location, even becoming "mayor" if they frequent a certain location.
One gamer was unimpressed with the system, and returned to his game, commenting "badges? We don't need no stinking badges!" Common complaints from gamers include "the graphics suck", "where's multiplayer?" and "I have to leave my house?"
A representative for Foursquare is encouraged, nonetheless. "We are determined to get these little shits out into the world by any means necessary. We are currently setting up a network where we can alert their parents."
However, several game developers have expressed interest in creating games for the mobile networking app. In the tradition of text based games like Zork, there are plans for text-only versions of Halo, Super Mario Galaxy, and Uncharted. After the announcement, many gamers were quoted as saying, "whee"...
Monday, August 1, 2011
Advocates for the separation of church and state oppose Rick Perry's upcoming rally, calling for separation of his head from his neck...
President Obama announced that a deal was being reached, but assures the American people that no matter what happens, the Republicans in Congress will still be dicks...
C-SPAN viewers mistakenly think they're watching "Shark Week"...
Roland Emmerich cancels next film due to impending financial disaster, saying "I can't compete with that..."
Playmate Crystal Harris apologizes for sex remarks about 85 year old Hugh Hefner; Mr. Hefner assures her that it's okay, because he can't remember it...