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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

"Call of Duty Elite" Service Introduces Pointless Crap for Additional Cost


The much anticipated release of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3 will coincide with Activision's new subscription service, Call of Duty Elite.

The new service promises lots of pointless online stats and maps usually included in other FPS releases, for a monthly subscription fee.

Dewey Cheatem, CEO of Activision, says that the new subscription service will "solidify the Call of Duty franchise's dominance in video game sales, as well as gamers' hate of Activision."  He then added, "Muhahahahahaha..."

In related news, Microsoft promises additional content will be available for Gears of War 3 if users promise to be nice to them...

Selected Items From The Newsosphere


Followers of Sarah Palin's bus tour ask "where is she?", others ask "who cares?"

Michele Bachmann says that World War II could have been avoided had the Japanese not bombed Pearl Bailey...

Eric Cantor compared himself to the tornado that destroyed Joplin, "but I have done far more damage..."

Governor Rick Perry announces presidential bid, explaining that "we need another idiot from Texas as president"...

Clinics worldwide help people suffering from "Oprah Winfrey Withdrawal", GOP protests the additional health care...

John McCain's continued support of Sarah Palin confirms voters' decision in '08 that he has no judgment...

Sunday, May 29, 2011

New Apps Available for iPhone!*


Angry Republicans - Knock down Obama's Foundation of Progress with Rants and Obstructions!

Who's Worth Watching? - Perfect for the stalker in all of us!  Just point your smartphone at the person you want to obsess about, and this app gives you detailed info on their security codes, daily activities, and bathing habits!  With WWW, personal privacy is a thing of the past!

Random Shit - Do you want to know how many tiles are in the Sistine Chapel? No? Neither do we!  But this app generates pointless crap for you to enjoy and annoy your friends with!

Pied Piper 2.0 - use this app to attract rats in your area.  You want attention? You got it!  Upgrades include various diseases.

Grating Ringtones - Guaranteed to get you kicked out of any social venue! Ringtones include the celebrity voices of Gilbert Gottfried and Fran Drescher.

Ad Nauseam - which movie theatre in the area shows the least amount of ads before the show?  Find out with this must-use app!

Learn Yiddish - Oy!  You'll be verklempt with this app!!!

Dive Search - where are the seediest places in your city?  This app will tell you where and what kind of protective padding you should wear!

Porker - how much weight have you gained while using all of the apps you have and not actually been  exercising?  Shame on you! ...for not using this app.




*Note: apps not available in any area because they don't really exist. Made you look... 
 
 

Friday, May 27, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere



Taylor Lautner comments that when you have abs like he does, actual talent just gets in the way...


A soulless force decimates a town in Missouri. In related news, a tornado does the same thing...

Harold Camping delays Judgment Day to Oct. 21, claims God gave him a message with a typo...

Newt Gingrich is defending his criticism of Paul Ryan's budget plan by claiming he thought it was "Opposite Day"...

Porn video games "Call of Booty" and "World of Whorecraft" are enjoying a surge of popularity with male gamers...

Armada of alien warships nears Earth, bent on destruction of our species. Hundreds of game companies clamor to purchase rights...

Thursday, May 26, 2011

Super Mario Bros. Take To The Streets in Next "Grand Theft Auto"




In what promises to generate controversy in the gaming community, Nintendo and Rockstar Games will be joining up to develop the next Grand Theft Auto game, featuring Mario and Luigi of the Super Mario franchise.

The new story will take place in Detroit, with Mario rising to power in the criminal world with the help of his coked-up brother Luigi.

In order to move up in the ranks, Mario and Luigi will have to participate in hits on various mob bosses and informants.  Instead of using traditional weaponry, they will use their famous "spin attacks" to deal with their opponents.  When asked if Mario and Luigi are also going to jump around the city instead of using vehicles, a spokesman for the joint venture simply replied, "Of course not, it's Grand Theft Auto!"

In order to appeal to both GTA and Super Mario audiences, "Grand Theft Auto Galaxy" will be rated M-E - Mature for Everybody...

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

"Duke Nukem Forever" Goes Gold - Hell Freezes Over, Angels Weep


Yesterday it was announced that the video game Duke Nukem Forever, in development since 1997, had finally "gone gold", meaning that it will soon be ready for its release in June (of this year).

Not surprisingly, news spread that Hell itself had indeed frozen over.  "I was hanging out, you know torturing souls," The Devil explained, "when suddenly it started getting really chilly, then it started snowing!  And it dawned on me - yep, Duke Nukem Forever had gone gold..."

God was also experiencing a strange occurrence.  "My angels are usually shiny happy people, but yesterday they just started crying uncontrollably!  Of course, when they also discovered that they couldn't play the game when it came out, they really started bawling..."

Harold Camping, earth-bound prophet, claimed that Duke Nukem Forever going gold was "just another sign of the impending apocalypse", to which gamers worldwide replied, "Would you just shut up?"....  

 

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Harold Camping Game Delayed Yet Again



The release date for the controversial video game created by the radio show prophet Harold Camping has been pushed yet again to October 21, 2011.

Originally scheduled for a May 21 release date, Mr. Camping insisted that the video game be delayed  for reasons known only to him.  


Merlin Olsen, head of Certifiable Games, defends the decision. "Mr. Camping claims that, in a sense, gamers are already playing it, but nothing has really changed.  But when it actually does come out in October, he promises that players will think it's the end of the world..."

Expect "World Gone Camping" this October, unless it's delayed yet again.

In related news, the Xbox Live arcade game Sheep is a hit with followers of Mr. Camping...

Monday, May 23, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere



Congress plans to use Monopoly money to bring down the national debt...


Several major department stores have "End of the World" sales events, but insist on extended warranties...


Newt Gingrich claims he has a special Do-Over license which gives him the power to voice different opinions on the same subject weekly...


CDC offers helpful tips in the event of a zombie apocalypse, including "don't get bit by a zombie"...


Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman vie for the title "Former Governor Most Likely To Not Get Elected"...


Harold Camping predicted the world would end recently. Of course he also predicted that "Dude! Where's My Car?" would be a box office hit...


Personal note:
I named my dog "Payback", because she was a real bitch...

Sunday, May 22, 2011

Nintendo Wii 2 Will Feature Non-Interactive Games For Lazy Gamers



Leaked information has revealed that the much anticipated Wii 2 will feature revolutionary "LazyAss" technology, enabling the gamer to sit back and watch their games being automatically played by advanced AI.

Hideo Schwartz, head developer of the new console, explains.  "More and more people are going to movies based on video games, and ticket sales are booming.  This new console will give the gamer the exact same experience in the privacy of their own home, but with much less sticky floors..."

Expect new titles such as Just Sit Back and Sloth Party for large groups, and Super Mario Does His Own Damn Jumping and Legend of Zelda: Link Is On His Own to hit shelves shortly after the Wii 2 is released.  As an added incentive, coupons for deep-dish pizzas and Funyuns will be included with the console...

Friday, May 20, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere



Secret Service issues apology for accidental anti-Fox News tweet, saying that they don't usually report blather, they leave that to Fox News...

Obama comments that "roses are red, violets are blue", GOP accuses President of politicizing flora...

New acronym... ROFLMAOBHMHOFSBC911 - Rolling On Floor Laughing My Ass Off But Hit My Head On Floor Some Body Call 911...

Preacher Harold Camping has changed date for the end of the world to May 23, because he hates Mondays...

This just in - Jennifer Aniston accepts starring role in good movie. In other news, hell freezes over...

Thursday, May 19, 2011

GameStop Still Taking Pre-Orders for "Modern Warfare 3" In Event World Does Not End


GameStop has announced that if the world does not end this Saturday, May 21, they will still be taking pre-orders for the much anticipated game, "Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3", due in November.

GameStop CEO Joe K. Name says that "all of the signs point to the Apocalypse, but we're optimistic."

Mr. Name added, "Should the world in fact end this Saturday, GameStop will still be taking pre-orders and offering video game insurance plans for new titles..."

"Modern Warfare 3" is predicted to be the biggest game launch in the history of the world, or some doomsayers say, "the final game launch in the history of mankind"... 

In other news, "Duke Nukem Forever" has been renamed "Duke Nukem Eternity"...

Selected Items From The Newsosphere






Bravo's "Real Housewives" face real estate reality - about time they faced some reality...

ABC starts new comedy night, audiences ask when old one was...

Schwarzenegger reveals he had child with staffer, claiming child would go on to save the world against Terminators in the future...

Lars von Trier booted out of Cannes for saying he sympathizes with Hitler, audiences give him the boot for his films...

Donald Trump's inflated ego is blamed for global warming...

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Game "Homophobia" Disappoints Gamers Because There Is No Actual Threat



Microsoft Game Studios, creators of the popular Xbox Live game Hydrophobia, are not pleased with their latest entry, "Homophobia".

Gamers complain that there's no real threat in the game. One gamer comments, "There's no one to fight.  True, there are homosexual characters in the campaign, but they're pretty much just like me...."

Political activist group Spread the Hate is petitioning to ban the game, claiming that "this game is blatant deviant homosexual propaganda in order to influence our children. " They added, "but no one's really buying it..."

In related news, today is "International Day Against Homophobia", which surprisingly coincides with "Get Your Head Out of Your Ass, Haters Day"...    

Monday, May 16, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere



Michele Bachmann declines New Jersey high school sophomore Amy Myers' debate challenge, citing unfair learning curve...

Donald Trump ends presidential run after winning popular "No Way In Hell" vote...

Apple introduces new app for reading obituaries - iDead...

Mike Huckabee announces he will not run for the GOP nomination, but insists he could have won, based on dream he had...

Four out of five doctors agree that the fifth one is just bonkers...

Virus Hits Twitter, Makes Every Users' Tweets Interesting




Yesterday an internet virus created by an anonymous group of hackers hit the social website Twitter, and for the next twenty-four hours the malicious program made every users' tweets worth reading.

"I was tweeting what I was having for breakfast, you know, where I wanted to get shoes this week, like, stuff that matters," Twitter user @Bieber4Ever explains, "but when the tweets posted, they had all changed to some amusing anecdotes and links to some great articles!  My followers couldn't believe it was me!"

Curiously, one popular Twitter user was not affected.  "There isn't a virus in the world that can make Sarah Palin's tweets coherent," one anonymous hacker confessed.

In related news, users still follow celebrities' tweets, no matter what they are tweeting.  No one knows why... 

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere



Prince William and Kate Middleton rent North Island for honeymoon, Donald Trump rents entire Atlantic Ocean for fishing trip...

Scientists confirm only way to feel younger is to go back in time...

GOP 2012 candidates mistaken for comedy act...

NBC passes on Wonder Woman pilot -"just wasn't up to our standards". In related news, "Biggest Loser Apprentice" gets green light...

Allergy season hits with a vengeance, M. Night Shyamalan proclaims "I KNEW it!"

Personal note:

Did some Spring cleaning on my PC this morning. I now have 5000 GB left on my 330 GB drive...

Saturday, May 14, 2011

GameView Presents: Ask The FAQ Guy for May

Our resident know-it-all will now answer your gaming questions...


Q: What do you think about remakes of classic games?

A:  About the same as what I think of classic movie remakes...

Q: I can't get Mario up to the castle where Princess Peach is...

A: Is it my fault you can't get it up?

Q: I want to buy some really great games for my children! What games do you recommend?

A: Any that are rated E.  But if they asked me, I would tell them any that are rated M.

Q: I'm having problems hooking up my state-of-the-art surround system to my 80" widescreen television so I can play my Playstation 3 games in my special video game screening room.

A: Boo f**king hoo...

Q: Why aren't there any good Nintendo 3DS games out yet?

A: Give it time.  Then there will be plenty of bad Nintendo 3DS games...

Q: I'm a sexy 25-year-old blonde nymphomaniac who lusts after guys who answer frequently asked questions about video games.

A: I'll be right over... 

 

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere



Pastor used "Under Siege" as inspiration for fake Navy SEAL job, used church for fake pastor job...

Barry Manilow to release first original album in 10 years, hopes to become next big rap artist...

Scrabble adds 3,000 new words to official dictionary, including "gotchamedia", "Obamacare", and "MILF"...

Newt Gingrich announces his Presidential bid, promises to do to country what he did to his wives...

McDonald's upscales its image, still sells crappy food...

Personal note:
If you work for a chicken business, do you get a poultry sum of money?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Gamers Baffled by Widely Varying Difficulties in New Bin Laden Game



The new game, "The Hunt for Osama", features only two varying levels of difficulty, named after president Barack Obama and former president George W. Bush.


Gamers can complete the game on Obama Level in 2 hours, but if they play on Bush level the game can take up to 10 hours.

"You would think playing on Bush level that you would be able to complete the game quicker, what with having basically the same resources on Obama Level," one gamer complained.  "But for some reason, playing on Bush Level makes the objective more difficult to complete..."

Monday, May 9, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere




Ketchup packet inventor designs homes that can only be entered by tearing off top...


George W. Bush says that he would have looked for Bin Laden in Libya had he known where Libya was...

This just in...Cotton Eyed Joe contracts fiber allergy...

New Israeli internet browser features Netanyahu! Search Bar...

Porn legend Ron Jeremy attends "The Beaver" premiere, claims movie was not what he thought it was about...



Miscellaneous:
He was like a comic book collector - he had lots of issues...

Sunday, May 8, 2011

"Thor: God of Blunder" - Game Continues Tradition of Crappy Movie Tie-Ins



Video game tie-ins of movies such as X-Men Origins: Wolverine, Clash of the Titans, Iron Man, and the Harry Potter series have been colossal failures in the gaming community.

"You would think it would be a no-brainer," gamer Ripoff23 writes. "After all, most of these are better games than movies anyway..."

Bill McNeil, head of Sega Games, who recently released the movie tie-in of Thor: God of Thunder, sees things differently.  "Sure, you can blame us for crap like the Iron Man games, but you try stretching a two hour movie into a one hour game! Wait..."

Look for absolutely awful video game tie-ins of Green Lantern, X-Men: First Class and Captain America this summer...

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Playstation Network Outage Revealed To Be Prank By Kid Mad At Parents




The recent Playstation Network outage has been revealed to be the work of a kid who couldn't get his way.

Sony Corporation discovered the culprit after investigating the code used to shut down the network.  There were embedded messages saying that "my parents suck" and "i want a bigger allowance".

Tommy Webber, 15, explained that he did it because his parents wouldn't buy him some M-rated games.  "All I wanted was to play God of War III, Resistance 2, and Killzone 3, and when I don't get my way, why should anyone else?"  He then proceeded to have a hissy fit.

After the attack, measures have been taken to prevent further shutdowns.  Sony has implemented new security protocols, and Tommy has been grounded for the rest of his natural life.

Friday, May 6, 2011

Nintendo Promises More Wii Titles Worth Playing By 2013



Although the Nintendo Wii is the most popular and best-selling video game console, there has been a dearth of titles worth playing since its release, aside from Wii exclusive games such as the popular Legend of Zelda series and Super Mario Galaxy series.  But Nintendo aims to change that.

"We are working hard to produce new titles that gamers will want to purchase by 2013," explains Nintendo chairman Hideo Tokoyota.  "By that time I believe we will have milked our classic franchises' dry."

Jean Claude deMerde, critic for the French gaming magazine "Oui Wii!", is enthusiastic.  "I think I can speak for the French people when I say that we fully support Nintendo and are huge fans of the upcoming games!  Of course, we also like Jerry Lewis..."

In related news, Unicorn Press is publishing the book "50 Things You Can Use Your Wii For", featuring such ideas as "an attractive table setting" and "an effective doorstop"...    

Selected Items From The Newsosphere


"Isabella" and "Jacob" most popular baby names; runners-up - "Snooki" "Cornfed" and "Little Shit"...

New nickname given to people demanding photo of dead Bin Laden - "sick f**ks"...

Royal Wedding bridesmaid Eliza Lopes found to be spy; her “wiggly worm” toy was revealed to be surveillance camera for BBC reality show...

Sarah Palin loves Cinco de Mayo. "It's a day when I can celebrate my favorite condiment," she says...

Pakistani intelligence insists they thought Bin Laden's compound was vacation home of Donald Trump...

Christina Aguilera apologizes for botching National Anthem at the Super Bowl, "but I wouldn't have if they didn't keep changing the lyrics."




Thursday, May 5, 2011

"Lifetime TV" Games Popular Among Female Gamers

The Lifetime Network, popular for its pro-women/anti-men programming, is enjoying a new audience with their recent batch of video games, adopting their new slogan "Connect. Play. Whine". 

Lifetime Games CEO Maryann Fischer comments, "women are tired of being battered by the likes of God of War, Gears of War, Call of War, Super Mario War. We need strong female gaming icons, not damsels in distress like Princess Peach or that whore Lara Croft!"

Gamer MenrPigs comments, "finally games that appeal to me and my BFF!  No more icky men..."

Titles include "She Was A Good Woman, He Was Crap" and "Call of Women: Manhater"...

In totally unrelated news, porn game titles such as "Call of Booty" and "World of Whorecraft" are enjoying a surge of popularity with male gamers...

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere



Fox News questions authenticity of Obama's birth certificate. In related news, people question authenticity of Fox News...

George Lucas denies the parallels of the Star Wars prequels with the current politics, but agrees that the stories were crap.

Rush Limbaugh mocks Obama and the Military. If you have a balloon, don't let this prick near it...

Before it was decided to bury Bin Laden at sea, NASA offered to bury him on another planet...

SIAC unhappy with "Geronimo" used as code word for Bin Laden. "Son of a bitch" was first choice but afraid of offending ASPCA...


Personal note:
Thought about writing a self-help book for zombie victims called "What's Eating You?"...
....but it's an undead subject.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Sony To Include Great Game Demos With Awful Movies



Sony Corporation announced today that they will be including demos of popular upcoming Playstation 3 games with Blu-rays of their worst recent movies. 

"Battle: Los Angeles" will include a demo for Resistance 3, and "The Green Hornet" will include a demo for Infamous 2.

Sony Chairman Hiyam Milkindis explains the reason.  "We already have produced tons of Blu-rays for these steaming piles of crap, and we have to get rid of them somehow.  Burger King and McDonalds have already turned us down, and Wal-Mart won't even give them away..."

In related news, popular theater chain Cinemark will be offering free Xbox LIVE Gold memberships to movie audiences who have to sit through twenty minutes of inane commercials...

Monday, May 2, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere: Special May Bin Laden Edition


This just in...Donald Trump claims that he was the bullet that killed Bin Laden...

President Obama will be headlining at Caroline's in New York, plans to open with Paul Ryan's Republican budget plan...

In a surprising turn of events, Donald Trump has just denied that he had anything to do with the Spanish Inquisition...

Donald Trump has taken credit for the union of Prince William and Kate Middleton...

Just found a site with proof that Fox News is a legit news organization. http://www.yeahright.com/made-you-look

Arnold Schwarzeneggar plans to return to big screen after successful governor publicity stunt...

Fans are shocked when next Harry Potter film trailer reveals it's a musical...

Still not convinced by his birth certificate, Tea Partiers demand to know if Obama is really African-American...

Donald Trump has taken credit for the invention of penicillin, the defeat of Hitler, and the success of "Cheers"...

Kid Rock finds his name "dumb"; people worldwide say "duh"...

Android smartphones rebel against users, citing "end of human race" and "world domination"...

Gaddafi and Charlie Sheen think Donald Trump is "batshit crazy"...

Special K Breakfast Bars announces new slogan - "Special K: the cereal killer."

Rock beats scissors, scissors files restraining order. Paper was unavailable for comment...

Kettle accuses pot of using inappropriate racial slur...

Sarah Palin warns people to not be fooled by the deceptive charm of President Obama. "He's a wolf in cheap clothing," she says.

Photo shoot images of Ann Coulter mistaken for publicity photos of upcoming "Exorcist" remake...

The acronyms "OMG" and "LOL" have been added to the Oxford English Dictionary. College professors nationwide say "WTF"

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore.
But when you get snipped when you go for a dip that's a moray....


‎40 is the new 30, 50 is the new 40, 60 is the new 50, but 70 is still old...

George Lucas says that "good scripts with interesting characters" will be digitally added to the upcoming 3-D Star Wars prequels...

‎"Martin Lawrence of Arabia" is cancelled after movie premiere receives negative responses from Arab community and anyone with a pulse...
 
Today Frederick's of Hollywood announced their brand new line of "Heart Smart" edible panties...
 
If you synch Pink Floyd's "Dark Side Of The Moon" to one of Glenn Beck's shows, he's still full of crap...
 
Republican Party says they don't have problems with President's policies; just still disappointed with Obama's failed 1995 talk show...
 
Charlie Sheen's live show in Detroit bombs, but not for the expected reasons. "He's a terrible singer," explained one of the attendees...
 
Oil reserves discovered on Mars; government resumes funding for NASA...
 
New evidence shows that Bigfoot and the Loch Ness Monster don't exist, but Fox News actually does...
 
Charlie Sheen revealed to be illegitimate son of Muammar Gaddafi...
 
Pamprin announces new slogan - "The best for relief of your pain. Period."
 
KFC's new Triple Down sandwich will come with added value heart bypass coupon...