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Sunday, November 27, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Jersey Shore ornament line renders cast in plastic, fans say they can't tell difference...

Criminals nationwide call this year's Black Friday their most successful venture so far...

Black Eyed Peas take break, deny breaking up because their music sucks...

New Hampshire newspaper endorses Newt Gingrich, saying "of all of the dickheads campaigning, he truly sets the bar..."

"Breaking Dawn" scene allegedly causing seizures; entire movie causing nausea...

Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore break silence with first tweets since split; millions wonder why it's a news item...

"Black Friday" Game Debuts, Banned For Violence

The new game Black Friday, was recently pulled from shelves and banned in several countries after gamers and critics alike denounced it for its brutality. "Forget Modern Warfare 3!" one gamer posted, "this one makes it look subtle! For once, I am actually traumatized! To quote Transformers, 'oh the humanity!'"

The game takes place in various shopping malls and retail stores. The gamer plays a person desperately trying to conquer growing crowds of violent hordes of people scrambling for the best deals the day after Thanksgiving. If the gamer attempts to buy something in demand, the bloodbath really starts.

Black Friday developer Batshit Crazy explains further details. "Once you grab something that's in short supply or at a discount, like a flat-screen television or an iPad 2, you run the risk of attracting attention to yourself, and that's when you grab your firearms. Thematically, it's very similar to the many zombie games on the market, but this time you have to deal with human beings at their most primal..."

In related news, Activision is discussing adding pepper spray as a weapon in the next Modern Warfare game...

Friday, November 25, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosophere

Snooki releases new perfume, customers say it smells just like the Jersey shore...

Facebook making phone; Mark Zuckerberg says it will be just as reliable as the social network...

Super Committee accused of "gross negligence of an adjective"...

Donald Trump says name is worth $3 billion, then is corrected by people who say his name isn't worth shit...

Barack Obama joins Google Plus, Fox News blames Obama for cat GIFs...

GOP Contenders say "don't slash military budget, slash their benefits..."

P.T. Barnum would have loved Black Friday...

Top Ten Add-Ons for Zynga Games

10) Skankville

9) Melville

8) Coupe de Ville

7) Margaritaville

6) Villeville

5) Real Housewives of Cityville

4) Cinnabonneville

3) Ville People

2) Occupy Ville

And the Number One Add-On for Zynga Games...

1) Getalifeville

Zuckerberg Says New Facebook Phone Just Like Social Network, Which Is Actually Good Thing

This week Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg announced the development of his new smartphone. Code-named "Buffy", he intends for this product to "slay the competition". But consumers are skeptical, and remark that fans of "Buffy" may lose faith.

"I assure everyone that this new smart phone will be just like my social network, but don't be discouraged, because that will actually be a good thing," Mr. Zuckerberg explained. The comparisons to Facebook will be eerily similar, sources say, in that personal privacy will be a thing of the past.

"Every time you make a call or leave a voicemail, your entire list of Friends will know," one insider divulged. "They can also "like" your conversations and share them with their Friends. Normally, this would be grounds for legal action, but then again, most people don't really value privacy anymore, as evidenced by pretty much everything you see on Facebook."

Fans of Foursquare will also be pleased to know that Facebook is working with the popular social app to create a service by which people will know exactly where users are, what they are eating, who they are sleeping with, and what their security codes are. "Everyone knows everything about you," Mr. Zuckerberg concludes. "You can live the life of a celebrity, without having any substance, which is also much like being a celebrity..."

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Newsosphere Special "Another Damn GOP Debate" Edition


Mitt Romney mistakenly bashes Obama for McCain quote; ironically, McCain bashed for using McCain quotes...

Perry says he supports a no-fly zone over Syria, because "drawstrings have always worked for me..."

Super Committee comes to decision. HA! Just kidding!

Obama calls debate "Must See TV"...

Mitt Romney prepares for debate next year with President Obama.

Jon Huntsman, Rick Santorum, Ron Paul vie for Snowball's Chance in Hell bid.

Herman Cain simply holds up a sign saying "999" when asked a question.

Newt Gingrich opens mouth, loses status as front runner.

Wolf Blitzer effectively drains whatever credibility is left.

Michele Bachmann tries to pepper spray competition.

Rick Perry almost misses debate because he forgets which night  debate is on.

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Newt Gingrich becomes front runner for GOP; in related news, The Devil reports freezing temperatures...

After California police pepper spray students, employment of thugs experiences all time high...

Congress suffers lowest rating in recent history, replaced by episodes of "Hogan's Heroes"...

NBC approves "Munsters" pilot, confirming total lack of original ideas...

Congress passes "The War Is Over, We'll F**k You Over" bill for U.S. soldiers...

Read one of those books that tell you what your dreams mean. Apparently I'm a Nihilist with a purpose.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

Top Ten Things Congress Considers As Vegetables

10) Splenda

9) Cinnabons

8) Corporations

7) Twizzlers

6) Nintendo 3DS

5) Kim Kardashian (okay, they may be correct)

4) Jersey Shore

3) Medicare

2) Herman Cain

And the Number One Thing Congress Says is a Vegetable...

1) Congress

After Violence Escalates Toward Protesters, Congress Asks, "What Can We Do To Protect Our Police?"

Numerous acts of violence in recent Occupy protests have Congress up in arms. "These protesters are inflicting unnecessary damage to our nation's security forces, inciting them to beat and in some cases pepper spray these manipulators! If these people keep up their non-violent tendencies, we shudder to think how it will affect our police!"

Several police officers have complained, "Seemingly peaceful protesters have pulled their arms back from us, joined hands with other protesters, and even lifted fingers toward us, which according to our textbook, is a big 'no-no!' "What recourse do we have in those circumstances?," asks one officer. "Don't they know we're just doing our job? More to the point, do they know we really enjoy doing our job?"

In response, Congress is lobbying for bills to increase benefits for police officers who are suffering from trauma caused by the peaceful protesters. "These measures will ensure that police suffering from PTSD will have access to the help they so desperately need. But for those who have recently served in the military, their benefits will not change, in keeping with our status quo."

In related news, Congress has declared that the pepper used in pepper spray is a vegetable...

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Facebook Announces Exclusive Online Game "Can You Stay On Facebook?"

Today Mark Zuckerberg, CEO of Facebook and Jesse Eisenberg look-alike, announced a new exclusive online game for remaining users. It will be a series of challenges that practically dare users to stay with the social network.

The game, Can You Stay On Facebook?, throws endless obstacles at users, such as a buggy interface, muddled design, and spammers, constantly challenging the user to stay with Facebook. "How much can you take before you join Google Plus?" explains Mr. Zuckerberg. "It's a battle of wits and in the end, common sense."

Many users claim that the game has been pirated and can already be accessed on Facebook. One user says, "I discovered the other day that this online game started as soon as I logged in! But when I signed out, it closed as well..."

In fairly related news, a Google Plus statistics website suggests that the best way to get more followers is to post videos of ducks shoplifting, dogs pissing, and cobra cats...

Friday, November 18, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Herman Cain doesn't recall the sexual harassment settlements.
Newt Gingrich can't remember receiving $1.5 million from Freddie Mac.
Maybe it should be called "a Republican moment"...

Every time I see a KIA, all I can think of is "Killed in Action"...

Herman Cain stumbles when asked about Libya. "I deny any sexual harassment allegations she has against me!"

Demi Moore to divorce Ashton Kutcher. "He had way more Twitter followers than I did..."

Congress says pizzas are vegetables, "much like the GOP presidential candidates..."

Herman Cain stumped on questions about Libya. "Is that near Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan?"

Top Ten Worst Passwords of 2011

10. teamedward

9. teamjacob

8. occupywallst

7. harrypotter

6. rickperry

5. kardashian

4. kutcher

3. wearethe1percent

2. facebooksux

And the Number One Worst Password of 2011...

1. palin2012

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Michele Bachmann says that she supports "waterboarding". "Marcus and I are very much into watersports!"

Cain accuser's former boyfriend says they all met in '97. "I remember it clearly, because they had a special on pepperoni that night..."

"Twilight: Breaking Dawn" stars promise that after series concludes, they will learn how to act...

Perry calls for government overhaul. "I would make drastic changes but that would require me getting elected, which is not going to happen."

Madonna "very upset" at new song leak. "I would be really upset if it was any good!"

Michael Jackson's deathbed for sale; thousands of sick f**ks start bidding...

Monday, November 14, 2011

Activision Announces Pre-Orders Available for Next Six "Modern Warfare" Games

In a press release today, Activision announced that after the overwhelming success of Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 3, gamers will now be able to pre-order the next six games through Amazon and GameStop. Though all of the titles have yet to be developed, Activision is undeterred.

Phil Tyler Barnum, head of sales for Activision, says, "it's a win win really. All we have to do now is just mention Modern Warfare, and pre-orders come flooding in. Then when the game is released, everyone buys it, regardless of if it's finished or not. Critics may say that we rush our games, but they haven't taken into account that our fans are primarily susceptible to gullibility, which we depend on."

Gamer MoWaMoFu posted, "I already pre-ordered them all, and I signed up to be notified when the seventh one will be available! I hope they don't run out of wars to exploit!"

In related news, the new upgrade for the online service Call of Duty Elite will feature more crap that gamers won't need, but analysts project the service will top online service sales...

Wii Gamers Rejoice Over "Skyward Sword", Get Consoles Out of Closets

Next week marks the debut of the latest in the Legend of Zelda series, Skyward Sword, and Wii gamers are beside themselves with excitement. LinkFan posted "Finally! Another Wii game worth playing! Now I have to find my console, which is in my closet somewhere." 

Surprisingly enough, a worldwide cleaning of closets by gamers has begun. "I was about to put the damn thing on eBay, and then they announced that Skyward Sword was coming out! Luckily I kept my console under a pile of laundry for safe keeping. Now the question is, which pile is it under?"

Parents worldwide are also expressing their enthusiasm for the new game. One Mom explained "We are all rejoicing, because our kids will finally be cleaning out their closets! Thanks Nintendo!" Another parent confessed to hiding her son's Wii console somewhere in his room. "His room has never been cleaner!"

In related news, a leaked report says that the upcoming Wii U console will feature at least six games worth playing within the next six years...

Saturday, November 12, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Harold Camping announces Apocalypse has arrived; "11/11/11 is upon us! Okay maybe not, but just go with it!"

This just in - Billy Crystal replaces Eddie Murphy as host of 2012 Oscars. In related news, the angels sing...

McDonald's customers petition to change McRib sandwich's name to "McWhatTheHellIsThisI'mEating???"

This just in - Herman Cain announces new 11-11-11 plan. In related news, eleventh woman comes forward to accuse him of sexual harassment.

Kim Kardashian's ex-publicist says celeb lied about personal life, staged events for publicity, including own birth...

American Mustache Institute withdraws support for Herman Cain. No really. No joke. This actually happened.

Friday, November 11, 2011

Netflix Introduces Video Game Rentals at Full Price, With Option to Own

Today Netflix announced their new plan to compete with Redbox, Gamefly, and other video game rental services. Wooly Overeyes, director of sales, explains the strategy. "Gamers can rent the newest titles for $49.99 and up, then if they enjoy the games, they can keep them at no additional cost. If the gamer is not satisfied, we are working with GameStop to guarantee that games can be returned to them in exchange for store credit!"

This is yet another move by Netflix CEO Reed Hastings to bring customers back to the ailing media rental service. "If this doesn't work, I have other marketing ideas up my sleeve. This isn't the end, Redbox!" He then looked up, thrust his fist into the air and screamed "damn you!".

Several game distributors are being negotiated with by Netflix to also implement a new instant streaming service enabling gamers to play their favorite obscure and discontinued games, or as Mr. Hastings calls them, "classics".

In somewhat related news, Rick Perry intends to target the marijuana smoker demographic by passing the controversial new bill, "No Stoner Left Behind"...

Thursday, November 10, 2011

Newsosphere Special "Another Freakin' GOP Debate" Edition

Sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth, and tenth woman come forward to accuse Herman Cain of sexual harassment.

Rick Perry introduces "way cool" bill which stipulates among other things that blacklight posters should be mandatory, and Ding Dongs with hot sauce are a delicacy.

Newt Gingrich demands attention, then gives Silent Treatment to Moderator.

In an effort to reclaim her popularity, Michele Bachmann shows some skin.

Rick Santorum demands attention, then gives Silent Treatment to Moderator.

Ron Paul and Jon Huntsman say some stuff.

Rick Perry apologizes for gaffe at GOP debate. "The American people deserve a response about whatever it was I said..."

Mitt Romney just sits back with a cold one and watches the fun.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Herman Cain accused by fourth woman of sexual harassment, solidifies Ultra-Conservative base...

Kim Kardashian cancels Australian tour, explaining "you people know how I am with commitments..."

Justin Bieber to take paternity test on baby claim, but denies allegation because "the baby's older than I am..."

Michele Bachmann calls Republican opponents ‘frugal socialists’. "I have no idea what it means, but it sounds bad!"

Cain incorrectly claims China is trying to develop nuclear capability. "Just because I wrote a book doesn't mean I read them!"

This just in - name of next GOP presidential debate will be The Biggest Loser...

Monday, November 7, 2011

"Grand Theft Auto V" Leaks Reveal More "Family-Friendly" Game

An ex-Rockstar Games employee leaked some interesting new information over the weekend about the upcoming, much anticipated Grand Theft Auto V. According to the as yet unnamed source, the next game in the Grant Theft Auto series will be "family friendly".

"Rockstar wants to appeal to the people who will be spending most of their money this holiday season, and those people are parents," YukonJack8, said in a digitally manipulated post. "This is also the first one that will be available for the Nintendo Wii..."

According to the ex-employee, Grand Theft Auto V will keep its crime theme, but if someone does something criminal in nature, such as boosting a car, robbing a bank, or gunning down civilians, now they will "feel bad" about it. Also, players will be "slapped on the hand" for using "wordy durds". YukonJack8 also indicated that Rockstar is working closely with the parental control software Bed Without Supper.

Rockstar Games declined to respond regarding working with the software, only to say that "these leaks are a demonstration of reprehensible behavior. Unless of course people respond to these ideas positively, in which case we will use them..."

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Top 10 Herman Cain Pick Up Lines

10. My pizza may be number 8, but I'm number 1.

9. If I don't come in 30 minutes, your pizza's free.

8. Like my breadstick?

7. The crust isn't the only thing that's cheese filled.

6. 9 inches. 9 times. 9 very satisfied ladies!

5. Baby, my sausage is lean.

4. You would look good in my marinara sauce.

3. I'm all about free refills!

2. That's not a coupon in my pants!

And the number one Herman Cain Pickup Line...

Table 5, your lovin's ready!

Friday, November 4, 2011



Your Son

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

House votes on resolution reaffirming In God We Trust as official motto of the United States after GOP lobbies for You Can Bank On Us!

Study shows people with short attention spans ...........Hey! Where are you going???

Judge sentences Lindsay Lohan to jail for 30 days, or as Lindsay calls it, "home away from home"...

Viewers complain that new Kardashian wedding DVD is only 72 minutes long...

Conservative Ann Coulter says "our blacks are so much better than their blacks". In related news, bitches nationwide name Coulter their leader.

Justin Bieber spokeswoman denies he fathered a child. "For one thing, his balls haven't dropped yet..."

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Game Developer Says Cut Scenes Are Awe-Inspiring, But Actual Game is Crap

Today game developer Ruse made a rare confession. "Gamers will be blown away by the trailer and in-game cut scenes of our upcoming title Dragon Seekers," said head developer Kenneth Kenney, "but the actual gameplay? Absolute nonsense. Worst graphics ever."

This news seems to have fallen on deaf ears by gamers who have viewed the teaser. "Awesome!" posted GulaBull. "The preview just rocks! The dragons look life-like, the character models are jaw-dropping! Already pre-ordered it!"

Mr. Kenney acknowledges the enthusiastic response, but wants to clarify that "the trailer and all of the cut scenes were not created by us, but by a digital effects house in L.A.. But we're waiting to tell everyone until after the release of Dragon Seekers. Just think of it as those hamburgers in McDonald's ads. They look great, but the real thing is crap..."

Tuesday, November 1, 2011

Newsosphere Special "Half-Baked All Texan" Edition

New Rick Perry campaign slogan - "He'll take America to a new high!"

This just in - American Medical Marijuana Association to endorse Rick Perry...

Funyuns and Cheese Doodles to sponsor Perry campaign...

This just in - Rick Perry introduces new 4/20 plan in New Hampshire Speech...

Perry says that he intends to defend "joint cooperation among party members", then added, "oh wow..."

Comments by Rick Perry anger New Hampshire audience. "More importantly, he didn't offer what he was smoking..." 

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Jessica Simpson confirms pregnancy, claiming "that whole stork thing was true!"

Herman Cain denies sexual harassment accusations, saying "obviously when I said 'two for one' I was referring to my pizza..."

"X Factor" hopeful Stacy Francis condemned for professional background. We are all about transparency, not talent," Simon Cowell says...

Kim Kardashian files for divorce. "In the end, it wasn't good for my ratings..."

Cain accuser comes forward, confirming harassment allegations. "He kept referring to it as his 'breadstick'..."

Personal notes:

I'd like to see a coach flying Coach. That's the only time it would make sense to me.

Just published my first book; if it doesn't work out, there's always priesthood. You know - "publish or parish"...