After Violence Escalates Toward Protesters, Congress Asks, "What Can We Do To Protect Our Police?"

Numerous acts of violence in recent Occupy protests have Congress up in arms. "These protesters are inflicting unnecessary damage to our nation's security forces, inciting them to beat and in some cases pepper spray these manipulators! If these people keep up their non-violent tendencies, we shudder to think how it will affect our police!"

Several police officers have complained, "Seemingly peaceful protesters have pulled their arms back from us, joined hands with other protesters, and even lifted fingers toward us, which according to our textbook, is a big 'no-no!' "What recourse do we have in those circumstances?," asks one officer. "Don't they know we're just doing our job? More to the point, do they know we really enjoy doing our job?"

In response, Congress is lobbying for bills to increase benefits for police officers who are suffering from trauma caused by the peaceful protesters. "These measures will ensure that police suffering from PTSD will have access to the help they so desperately need. But for those who have recently served in the military, their benefits will not change, in keeping with our status quo."

In related news, Congress has declared that the pepper used in pepper spray is a vegetable...