Not a gamer?

Not a gamer?
Click the News Icon above to go directly to The Newsosphere!

My eBook is available at Amazon and Smashwords!

My eBook is available at Amazon and Smashwords!
Just $2.99! Click the image to go to AMAZON. Also available on SMASHWORDS!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

After his dialogue with Mitt Romney, fans of Rick Perry say they believe/don't believe that Perry is for/against their cause and therefore support/don't support his campaign...

Viewers of "Dancing With The Stars" say they don't have a problem with Chaz Bono's transgender. They are, however, surprised that the show is still called "Dancing With The Stars"...

This just in - GOP blames Obama for new Facebook design...

Ravenous squid invade Southern California coast; SyFy Channel rushes to purchase rights...

Amazon Kindle Fire?
Why is it that the first thing I think of is "Fahrenheit 451"?

Wednesday, September 28, 2011

About The Author

Who am I?
Why, I'll tell you!

I'm like the Onion or Andy Borowitz
Without the money or the glitz
I write a humor blog that's simply named GameView

I jump from Facebook to Google to Twitter
People say that I'm a kidder
But the truth is that I have nothing better to do

I host a MovieRiff Hangout every Saturday and Sunday
I hope to make it big in something soon someday

If you take me seriously
Then you really don't know me
But if you bring up politics or religion

I'll tell you exactly what I think
In a roundabout way with a wink
Because I'm simply too much of a gentleman

So the conclusion to me you will see
Is that you'll never know the key to me
'Cause I like my privacy
That never changes

I'll Friend you and Follow you and Circle you
And share and plus your point of view
And hopefully soon we'll be friends
Instead of total strangers

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Roger Ailes says he has made a "course correction" at Fox News. "We're no longer hard 'right'. In fact, Fox News as as far from 'right' as you can get..."

Critics of Arnold Schwarzenegger say upcoming autobiography "Total Recall: My Unbelievably True Life Story" should be called "True Lies".

Congress may be headed for another possible government shutdown - people nationwide throw hands up in disgust...

Netflix snatches DreamWorks rights from HBO, but promises same crappy service for customers...

Herman Cain wins Florida GOP straw poll. "Now if people forget I'm African American, I'm a shoo-in!"

This just in - GOP presidential candidates seek endorsements from Donald Trump. "I feel jilted," says Rush Limbaugh...

Monday, September 26, 2011

Nothing Original Planned For 2012 Game Lineup

A representative of the gaming industry announced today in a press statement that "nothing original is planned for next year."  He said that gamers should expect "lots of games with Roman numerals in their titles".  "Final Fantasy XVIII, Modern Warfare V, blah blah blah.  And of course, another freakin' Halo game..."

"It's actually a shrewd strategy," one game industry analyst explains.  "They're just simply following in the footsteps of Hollywood, which seems to have been very successful with churning out the same old crap every year..."

In related news, the GOP promises nothing original in their attacks on the Democratic Party.  "Expect more 'Obama did this' and 'don't raise taxes on our job creators' in future debates and comments," a representative commented.  

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Kanye West debuts new fashion collection, size of ego distracts runway models...

This just in- UARS satellite due to hit Earth today within the next fourteen hours. GOP plans to blame Obama for it for same length of time.

John Boehner denies that he is a puppet for the Tea Party. "At least, that's what they told me to say..."

Singer drops pants on "The X-Factor", Paula Abdul is disgusted. Curiously, when people watch "The X-Factor", they have the same reaction.

Rick Santorum asks Google to remove definition of "santorum", Google says he should be happy people still look his name up...

Rick Perry debuts new campaign ad; Michael Bay says "it's over the top"...

Michele Bachmann expresses anger over repeal of "Don't Ask Don't Tell", husband Marcus has no comment...

Friday, September 23, 2011

Stalkers Worldwide Heap Praise on New Facebook Design

Today stalkers worldwide praised Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg for his new design of the popular social network.  "He has become a hero in our community," says Anonymous.  "Thanks to new features such as Timeline and Ticker, I can follow as many people as I want, when I want, and I don't even have to use my camera."

Apps such as Spotify and Skype will transfer their information directly to the new Ticker, enabling people to see everything another person is doing.  "Pure stalker bliss" seems to be the reaction from many people with undisclosed identities.

Unknown comments that "this new Facebook design will open doors for new stalkers that they wish they could open, and without those pesky home security codes.  The original Facebook was a landmark for us, but this new design shows the promise of a new era for invading the privacy of our obsessions.  Thank you, Mr. Zuckerberg!"

In related news, after learning that Mr. Zuckerberg is a member of Google Plus, stalkers of the Facebook CEO  are announcing a new Google Group.      

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

This just in - Apple to announce iPhone 5. In related news, the iPhone 6 will be released in two weeks.

Rick Perry says that he plans to do to America what he has done for Texas. "I'll be behind y'all, 'cause that's my favorite position."

This just in - Reed Hastings, CEO of Netflix, has been propositioned by GOP as a possible presidential candidate...

Netflix changes DVD service name to "Qwikster", subscribers change their name to "Unsubscribe"...

Facebook introduces exciting new updates i.e. more reasons to switch to Google+...

After Numerous Errors, Sources Reveal Congress Still In "Beta"

WASHINGTON - Earlier today it was revealed that the decision making body known as "Congress" has not officially gone live.  "A common misconception," one source reveals, "is that the version available is a complete, bug-free application.  This, however, is not the case.  Many errors in decision-making, and even the lack of decision making can be attributed to Congress's incomplete state.  The recent debt ceiling crisis is just one example of numerous bugs still in the system."

People accessing the "beta" version of Congress are therefore warned that they may experience hostile activity by the "Boehner trojan" and the "Mitch-Anthrax worm", since safeguards have not yet been implemented to detect the malevolent programs.  "Another one to look out for is the Cantor 412, a particularly vicious virus which has no regard for programs that benefit users," adds the source.

In related news, Microsoft Constitution Defender will feature updates to combat the malware applications Perry, Bachmann, and Romney...    

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Redbox (with apologies to Jimi Hendrix R.I.P.)

to the tune of "Red House"

Well there's a Redbox over yonder
That's where I get my DVDs
Lord there's a Redbox over yonder
Oh that's where I get my DVDs
'Cause I can't find my favorite movie
Curse you Mr. Reed

Wait a minute, something wrong here
This kiosk doesn't have "Thor"
Wait a minute, something wrong here
Lord have mercy this kiosk doesn't have "Thor"
I gotta bad, bad feeling
I won't be using this kiosk anymore
That's ok, I'll download a pirate copy ...look out!

Well I might as well look back over yonder
Way back up over the hill
Lord I might as well go back over yonder
Way back yonder across the hill
'Cause if Redbox doesn't have my favorite movie
I know Blockbuster will

Monday, September 19, 2011

I Swear

Warning: NSFW

Where would we be without profanity?
What would we say when we bashed our knee?

When you hurt yourself, "shucks" just won't do it.
Go ahead and let out a healthy "oh shit!"

When telling off someone just won't do,
It's always best just to say "fuck you!"

It's difficult to believe a politician's pitch,
There's a word for him, that's right you guessed it, "son of a bitch"! 

So make the support of bad words your goal 
And relax, it's just a poem, don't be an "asshole".

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

2011 Emmys: CNN Florida GOP Debate wins for "Best Farce"...

"I Don't Know How She Does It" tanks at box office because no one cares how she did it...

Hollywood sources report Ryan Gosling will only be in 85% of movies released next year.

McDonald's to add facts on nutrition to all packaging. "We want people to know exactly what kind of crap they're eating..."

Paul Ryan says "we don’t need to divide people and prey on people’s fear and envy and anxiety. We have Fox News for that..."

Sunday, September 18, 2011

Game Industry Appeals to Growing Women Demographic With "Mom" FPS Games

A number of top game companies are developing FPS titles for the growing demographic of women in their late   30's.  "We realize that most of our marketing and even games are geared toward teens or younger, and we need to tap into this new group, because inevitably they have more money to spend..."

The demons, soldiers and other standard FPS enemies will not, however, be featured in the new "Mom" games.  Instead, women protagonists will battle unfaithful husbands, collection agencies, and drivers who cut in front of them.  Standard weapons in FPS games will still be implemented.

"There is nothing more satisfying than frying my husband with an Uzi when I discover him in bed with that bitch he met at the strip club," one female gamer comments.  "And it's fun doing it in the game, too."

Expect new titles such as "Call of Alimony", "Discover This! Part I: The Collectors", and "PMS Driver: Hell On Wheels"...      

Saturday, September 17, 2011

Dear George

The force is not a bunch of things called midichlorians
Thank you for pissing on my youth

Boba Fett was just a really cool action figure
Thank you for pissing on my youth

Anakin never built C-3PO, Padme didn't die of a broken heart, Greedo didn't shoot first, and Leia and Luke knew their mother
Bounty hunters don't hire assassins, Jedis aren't wusses, Yoda doesn't do somersaults in the air, go on George really, tell us another

Please don't ruin my childhood heroes anymore, you've gone too far
And while you're at it Mr. Lucas, what was with f**king Jar Jar???

It's time to read the graffiti on the wall, your fans aren't pleased.
"If it ain't broke don't fix it", that's a good thing to heed.

If you piss on our youth anymore, just show us the door.
'Cause these are not the movies we're looking for...

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Pat Robertson says it's okay to divorce someone if they have Alzheimer's, his wife claims that she doesn't remember marrying him...

The California GOP debate is to the Florida GOP debate as "The Daily Show" is to "Jersey Shore"...

John Boehner says that he and Obama are from two different planets. "But mine has no gravity, because everything I do is up in the air..."

F.B.I investigating leaked photos hacked from phone of Scarlett Johansson, but baffled why she would want to take nude photos of herself...

Steven Spielberg finally admits "walkie-talkies" in modified version of "E.T." were a mistake, but still makes no apology for "Hook"...

Personal note:
I want to be just like Dane Cook and Russell Brand when I grow up. But funny.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Required Accessories for the Playstation Vita

Here's a partial list of accessories recommended and/or required for the new Sony Playstation Vita:

Memory card
Loss of memory card
AC adapter
AC/DC adapter

Motorhead adapter
USB cable
UN cable
GOP cable
Tea Party cable
Docking cradle
Docking bay

Docking dock
Dickory dock
Private room
Head room
Master bedroom
In-ear headset
Outer-ear headset
Inner ear infection
Protective film
Protective sheath

Protective custody
Makeup artist
Card case 
Protective Case
Head case

Travel pouch 
Carrying pouch 
Kangaroo pouch

Car adapter
Portable charger 
Chargeable porter

Sony does recommend that gamers have at least three (3) jobs to effectively maintain the Playstation Vita. 

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

This just in: GOP files restraining order against Tea Party audience of Florida debate...

Rick Perry detractors criticize his 2007 attempt to mandate vaccinations of sixth-grade girls, "but the real prick here is Rick Perry."

Michele Bachmann says she has no idea if the HPV vaccine causes mental retardation, "but like my colleagues, I'm not concerned with facts."

L.A. porn studio builds post-apocalyptic bunker, saying "our goal is nothing less than to survive the apocalypse to come in comfort and luxury..."
See?  Sometimes these just write themselves...

Personal note:

Read one of those books that tell you what your dreams mean. Apparently I'm an impotent lesbian Bolshevik...

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

A GOP debate sponsored by the Tea Party hosted by Wolf Blitzer on CNN. Credibility has just left the building...

Michele Bachmann is offering Spotify invites to anyone who will pay attention to her in tonight's debate...

This just in - Bobby Jindal to endorse Rick Perry for president because "I had nothing better to do..."

This just in - devastating deluge converges on Florida State Fairgrounds. In related news, rain is also expected in Florida.

This just in - "Bucky Larson: Born To Be A Star" gets better approval rating than Congress...

This just in - Glenn Beck Online Network good news for people who have ten or more cats...

"Star Wars: The Complete Saga" Changes: The Complete List

A complete list of changes in scenes and dialogue made to the Blu-ray collection "Star Wars: The Complete Saga"....

1) C3PO is no longer gay.
2) R2-D2 has been given subtitles.
3) The Death Star implodes.
4) Luke Skywalker does a fist pump when he discovers Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru.
5) Obi-Wan challenges Darth Vader to a belching contest.
6) The Ewoks speak Yiddish.
7) Anakin is an even more whiny bitch.
8) Padme Amidala opens a can of whoop-ass when Anakin breaks her heart.
9) "These are not the metallic human substitutes with equal rights you're looking for..."
10) The Cantina band plays music by Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga.
11) "Do, or do not. There is no try. Moron."
12) Deleted scene of R2-D2 getting it on with ship computer restored.
13) Boba Fett's Slave 1 changed to Free Black Man 1.
14) Battle of Hoth is set to Wagner's "Ride of the Valkyries".
15) Jabba's music group plays music by Justin Bieber, Katy Perry and Lady Gaga.
16) "Help me anyone, you're my only hope."
17) Jar Jar speaks with a British accent.
18) Leia doesn't kiss Luke, but she does high-five him.
19) Greedo shoots first, Han Solo shoots him, Chewbacca rips Greedo's arm off.
20) The celebratory scene at the end of Return of the Jedi features music by Justin Bieber, Katy Perry, and Lady Gaga.

21) "Luke, I am your fodder!"

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Knowledge Is Power: Things I Learned From Watching Science Fiction Movies

1) The experts are wrong. There is sound in space.

2) All aliens have British accents.
3) Most planets have breathable air.
4) If you travel back in time, don't meet yourself. You'll explode.
5) All alien women are hot.
6) You can outrun a fireball.
7) Aliens who only have claws can design and operate spacecraft.
8) There are no bathrooms in the future.
9) All computers have female voices.
10) Mars needs women.
11) It's possible to breathe in space.
12) You can't get away from slow moving enemies.
13) Watch your step when running, because you will trip over a stick.
14) Even with zero gravity, large ships will drop.
15) If you're exposed to atmospheric pressure, your head will expand. But once the atmosphere has been restored, your head will return to its normal shape.
16) If you wear a red shirt, you will die.
17) You can hack an alien computer system with your laptop.
18) When a large ship enters the Earth's atmosphere, it won't create a tidal effect.
19) All ships have a red alert system.
20) If you're a secondary character, you don't get a chair.

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere: Special GOP Edition

Rick Perry says he is prepared to fix the economy by shooting it, which has worked for him so far...

Michele Bachmann's rebuttal to President Obama's speech on jobs was available exclusively to remaining Netflix subscribers...

Mitch McConnell announced that he is prepared to not listen to anything Obama has to say. He then added, "nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah..."

Newt Gingrich says we should make English the language of government. Why start now?

Nationwide poll suggests people like what Michele Bachmann is not saying...

Friday, September 9, 2011

Sony Insists Playstation 3 Is Next Generation, "Just Not This Generation"

Despite numerous criticisms and complaints by gamers and critics alike, Sony Computer Entertainment America still insists that the Playstation 3 is "the next generation console".  But they wished to clarify that it wasn't necessarily "this generation".

"Our console plays high definition games on Blu-ray discs, but they still require numerous updates as well as in-game updates, usually on the day that the games are released.  This is merely an indicator that the system is not actually supposed to be available for the current generation.  Think of it as the original PC game 'Crysis'.  That game would not play well on PCs at that time.  But now with today's hardware, you can play it, but really don't care to because its technology is outdated."

SCEA promises that the next generation of the Playstation console will have fewer loading times and firmware updates, and generally run a lot faster, but there are no actual plans to produce the console anytime in the near future.

In related news, Microsoft's Xbox 360 is the front runner for best console in gaming history, but no one will believe it.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Tea Party offended by Teamster Leader Jim Hoffa's "violent rhetoric". A member was quoted as saying, "that's our job!"

This just in - all future GOP debates will be closed-captioned in English...

Nationwide polls suggest that if Rick Perry gets elected by prayer, we won't have one...

Lady Gaga revealed to actually be Keith Richards in makeup-free shoot for Harper's Bazaar...

Eddie Murphy confirmed as host of 2012 Oscars; sources predict "Amadeus" will win Best Picture.

Rick Perry prays for rain - no rain. He cuts volunteer firefighter funding, Texas gets wildfires. But he is offering a free Nintendo 3DS for anyone who votes for him...

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

List of Day One Fixes For "Dead Island"

Upon release of the new zombie RPG game "Dead Island", Techland has provided a huge Day One patch that will fix 37 issues.

Here's a portion of the list of fixes:

1) Zombies have been added to the game.
2) Kinect and Playstation Move support has been ridiculed.
3) You can no longer jump 200 feet over the island.
4) The assorted knives and machetes do not squeak.
5) Songs by Barry Manilow and Paul Anka have been removed from the soundtrack.
6) Fixed a bug where you can leave the island and play a better game.
7) More than one player can use a ladder at one time, because it's nice to share.
8) Health supply boxes no longer require Sudoku puzzles to unlock.
9) Bullets no longer shout profanity.
10) Zombies now perform Michael Jackson's "Thriller" when in groups.
11) Women are treated better.
12. Zombies will now eat flesh, not "fish".
13. Blood will come in four fruity flavors.
14. Justin Bieber zombie will be 500 points.
15. Game instability has been fixed, but the same cannot be said for gamers.
16. Achievement "kill zombie with your index finger" has been removed.
17. Mission "We're All F**ked" isn't f**king impossible to complete.
18. References to classic series "Hogan's Heroes" have been removed.
19. The pizza is now deep dish.
20. Survivors no longer wet themselves. 

Monday, September 5, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

This just in - huge croc captured in southern Philippines. In related news, huge crock expected for upcoming GOP debate...

Michele Bachmann wants to drill Everglades for oil; even Florida Republicans think she's batshit crazy...

Rick Perry's detractors offended by book he wrote several months ago, also surprised his supporters can read...

Hollywood breaking news - George Lucas has successfully edited the original "Star Wars" movies to match the crappiness of the prequels...

Fox News & Google team up to present GOP presidential debate later in September, if there are any candidates left after next week's debate.

Friday, September 2, 2011

iAbacus Next Big Thing, Says New Apple CEO

After the resignation of former Apple CEO Steve Jobs, it was announced that a new direction would be taken with the multi-billion dollar company.  

Owen Kidsthesedays, the new CEO, has a whole new game plan.  "I don't give a durn what's the big thing now, 'cause I think our next product will be the end all be all of technology.  Our new Apple iAbacus, set to release later this year, goes back to the basics, when you had to use your imagination, instead of all these fancy pictures and some such..."

Kent Getitupanymore is the head developer of the new product.  "We're startin' a new movement, out with the new, in with the old.  Or as we like to put it, 'classic'..."

The roll-out of the iAbacus has taken many critics and tech enthusiasts aback.  "It's Apple, so what they say pretty much goes," one tech blogger commented.  "But I can't imagine how developers are going to come up with any apps for this."

"Apps, schmapps!", retorted the new Apple CEO.  "Back in my days, you had to walk uphill in the blinding snow without anything like a FPS or any fancy game like Fourscore!"


Thursday, September 1, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Rudy Giuliani says he's bothered by suggestions that he profited from his 9/11 fame. "I am offended - 9/11 - that people would even suggest this - 9/11."  He then added, "9/11".

Steven Seagal threatened with lawsuit over police raid taped for his reality show. "On the other hand," says the man, "it is the best thing he's ever starred in..."

Condoleezza Rice baffled by the "attack on her integrity" by Dick Cheney in his new book. "How can you attack something I don't have?"

Marc Anthony breaks silence on his divorce from Jennifer Lopez for the sixth time this year...

This just in - Women polled predict Michele Bachmann's hair to be front-runner for 2012 presidential nomination...

Fox News Network editorial asks "do we really need a National Weather Service?" People ask 
"do we really need a Fox News Network?"