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Saturday, December 31, 2011

Sales Report "Skyrim" Best Selling Game, Anything Not "Skyrim" Less Successful

Today sales figures pointed to the conclusion that 2011's big winner critically and financially is Bethesda's RPG hit, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. They also indicated that any game that was not called Skyrim was the least successful game of the year.

"There were other games, to be sure," one gaming analyst says, "but I think they would have benefited greatly had they also been called Skyrim. There is a lesson here for future developers - call your game something like Elder Scrolls or Skyrim and you will have a guaranteed hit."

A recent poll by GameR shows the percentage comparison:

Skyrim 95%
Not Skyrim 5%

Several leading game companies have already announced upcoming titles such as Batman: Skyrim, Super Mario Skyrim, Uncharted 4: Skyrim, and Duke Nukem: Skyrim Forever.

The only developer who is undaunted, however, is Rockstar Games, famous for the Grand Theft Auto series. "According to extensive research," says a Rockstar representative, "our series will get '10 out of 10' reviews and make millions for the next ten years, as our contracts with various gaming media websites will confirm."

In related news, Activision announced that their Call of Duty series will continue to be a hugely successful franchise until gamers are no longer sheep.

Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Top Ten Failed Gadgets or Apps of 2011

10. iDead

9. Nintendo (yeah, pretty much everything)

8. Black light mirror

7. Sugar-free edible panties

6. Cordless cord

5. Wi-Fi-Mai-Tai

4. Angry Tea Partiers

3. Muzak on Spotify

2. Google Hangouts on Ice

and the Number One Failed Gadget or App of 2011...

1. Microphones for the GOP Debates

"Next Gen" Games To Be Mobile Exclusives, Promote Eye Strain

Several game studios announced today that, because of the overwhelming success of games on iPhone and iPad, all next generation games will be developed exclusively for the mobile platforms. "When you look at sales, clearly console games have heard their death knell - Death Knell also soon to be a mobile game - the future is smaller," says a noted game sales analyst.

"As people's attention spans get smaller and smaller, we feel that so should the way they see games. After all, size no longer matters. The bigger you are no longer delivers the goods, and even suggests that you may be compensating for something, so don't get cocky," explains Activision CEO Jack Napier.

Gamers can expect the next titles in successful franchises such as Call of Duty for iPhones, iPads, and the new Playstation Vita. If successful, the campaign by leading game companies will further promote eyestrain, and with any luck, carpal tunnel syndrome. Skeptics suggest that this trend may not be healthy for the average person, but several have pointed out that "healthy" is no longer in vogue.

"In fact," adds Mr. Napier, "when you think about it, the only 'healthy' is in the magazine Vogue, and it's mostly photoshopped."

In related news, many new games will feature even smaller in-game text to ensure that gamers will have no f**king clue as to what they're doing...

Thursday, December 15, 2011

"Google Shoot View" Pulled, Popular with Sick Bastards

After the Flash game debuted last week, "Google Shoot View" has been pulled. Created by Pool Worldwide. it let players type in any address, then drop them into a Google Street View location, and let them shoot at people standing around. Needless to say, the new app has drawn considerable controversy.

One group, however, voiced their protest of the game cancellation. One gamer posted, "speaking as a really sick bastard, I enjoyed having the option of killing real people, if only as a simulation. But really, what else can you do in prison?" Another gamer posted, "this is so badass! We should have more games like this! I am so glad I stopped taking my medication!"

Google issued a statement earlier today apologizing profusely for the release of "Shoot View". "Apparently, not only are there sick f**ks who enjoy this type of game worldwide, but also ones who work for Google."

Ten Things You Should Know About Facebook Timeline

1. First rule of Facebook Timeline - you do not talk about Facebook Timeline. *

2. No matter what you post, other people's lives will still be more interesting.

3. You can revisit all that crap you thought was clever when you posted it last year.

4. No matter what month you look at, the Republican Party will have done something stupid.

5. Mark Zuckerberg is watching you. So be good for goodness sake.

6. You can review the thousands of Farmville requests you ignored.

7. It's just like your real life, but in digital form, but with no actual human contact, which is just like your real life.

8. David Fincher will be directing the movie.

9. Your "Likes" of Justin Bieber, Dancing With The Stars, and Twilight will no longer be hidden from your friends.

10. Your stalkers will feel that much closer to you.

* Actually, other people talk about your Facebook Timeline

Sunday, December 11, 2011

"Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance" Features Non-Traditional Gameplay, Silly Name

Hideo Kojima, creator of the Metal Gear series, announced at the recent Video Game Awards, that the much anticipated next game would feature non-traditional gameplay for the IP, and would also feature the silliest title in the popular franchise.

Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance won't have the stealth gameplay that made the original Metal Gear Solid a trendsetter," Mr. Kojima said. "We figure that when you have something that fans love, the best idea is to discard it in favor of something more generic. Much like the Transformers movie franchise."

Other titles suggested for the new Metal Gear included Metal Gear Rising: SubsustenanceMetal Gear Rising: Sons of the Guns of the Patriots, and the controversial Metal Gear Rising: Revengeanceocalypse.

"We went with Revengeance, after we regained our composure from laughing," Mr. Kojima explained. When all was said and done, it was certainly the least ridiculous of the titles."

Konami and Platinum, who are developing the new game, promised one thing gamers will be able to count on. "The gameplay may have changed, but the traditional fifteen minute cut scenes will remain. You're welcome."

Surprisingly in related news, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeanceocalypse of the Subsustenance is being considered as a potential film property by M. Night Shyamalamadingdong...

Saturday, December 10, 2011

More Downloadable Content Soon For "Duke Nukem Forever" - Gamers Couldn't Give A Shit

Today Gearbox and 2K announced that more downloadable content will soon be available for Duke Nukem Forever. "We feel that this will be good news for gamers who still own the game," a spokesman said. "In a recent poll we conducted, only 95% said they couldn't give a shit, so there is still a market for DNF."

This is baffling news, because since its August release, the game has endured criticism from gamers and gaming publications alike. DukeSux posted, "Now that my game is in the bargain bin at GameStop, well, it will stay there. Who are they kidding with this??" GameR magazine editor Tyler Durden comments, "I think this will be exciting news for any poor schmucks who still have DNF in their game library."

Also in the works for 2012, Gearbox confirmed the development of Duke Nukem: Enough Already!, the least anticipated title of next year. Pre-orders have already started, for "anyone dumb enough to spend more money on this debacle".

In related news, Beenox is promising a Spider-Man game that does not suck sometime in 2014...

Friday, December 2, 2011

Creators of "Skyrim" Admit to Releasing Only Half of Actual Game

After the announcement of the third patch since its release just a few weeks ago, Bethesda confessed today that The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim is not a complete game. "The reason why gamers have been reporting bugs and other various glitches is simply that the game was only halfway finished before it was sold."

One gamer expresses his disappointment, but is not discouraged. "Everyone says this game is thegame to buy this holiday season, all of the critics gave it five stars - who am I to form my own opinion?"

Ironically, original plans for the Elder Scrolls series mention the original game as being a "parody of role-playing games", which might explain the excess of inexplicable events such as dragons flying backward, characters floating in mid-air, and skill points suddenly disappearing.

"Okay, it's a fair cop," remarks a representative for Bethesda. "We went overboard with the overwrought story and music, and we got carried away. Now everyone takes it seriously. But since the series has been so successful, why question it now? Let the money pile in!"