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Saturday, July 30, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

After the overwhelming success of the "Transformers" franchise, Michael Bay says he plans to direct a movie based on Mattel's "Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots", to "demonstrate his range"...

Tea Partiers blast John McCain for calling them "hobbits". "If anything, we are sheep..."

In a poll conducted after John Boehner's Republican response, 25% of Americans agree that he is a "douche", while 75% simply think he is a "dick"...

New trailer for "Battleship" premieres; audiences prepare to sink it..

Breakdown of Presidential Address - OBAMA: We're willing to work with you.
BOEHNER: We're willing to f**k with you.

Friday, July 29, 2011

Creators of Nintendo 3DS Ask Gamers To "Just Buy The Damn Thing"

Due to flagging sales and weakening demand, Nintendo has issued a plea to gamers worldwide to "just buy the damn thing".  "Don't think," says the creator of the 3DS, "just buy it.  We're dropping the price, why not drop your expectations?"  He then added, "Puhleeze???"

Once referred to as "the must have thing to own in 2011" the Nintendo 3DS has suffered from a poor lineup of titles and high prices.

Nintendo is pleading with the gamer community.  "We're slashing the price, and we're gonna have better titles!  We swear!  Well, not for this one, but you can bet the Nintendo 3DS2 will have a whole slew of kick-ass titles!  Really!"

Expect the Nintendo 3DS2 to ship sometime in the near future in your dreams...

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

GameView Special Report: The Gaming Industry And Its Inevitable Future

2011 has been an interesting year for the gaming industry.  Microsoft, Nintendo, and Sony, otherwise known as "The Big Three", have introduced competing controllers and consoles for the inevitable future.

"You can't ignore the fact that we will still be making games for the Wii," commented a representative for Nintendo.  "Though most gamers would like to."  The Wii U, the next generation, will feature a new controller and new high definition resolution for all of Nintendo's old franchises.  "The Wii U is the next step in introducing gamers to experiences that have been done to death."

Microsoft, however, has no plans for a new console, as one representative puts it, "we still have a kick-ass product that we are proud of, no matter what people think."

Sony has endured outages for its Playstation Network and endless updates for the Playstation 3.  But, as one developer puts it, "that doesn't change the fact that our Blu-ray technology still can't provide a game with shorter loading times."

All of the game developers have promised that the future of games is bound to come, and they will be there to pave the way for new technologies, new experiences, and new gamer frustrations.  

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

James Cameron, director of Avatar and Titanic, which have made $4,616,805,487 combined, says that his next film, Avatanic 3-D, will be twice as big...

Glenn Beck compares victims of Norway shooting to Hitler youth; people compare Glenn Beck to "a sick son of a bitch who should be committed"...

Republican and Democratic leaders have exhausted most of their attempts for their budget proposals. Sources say they will try "Red Rover" next...

This month, Animal Planet airs an expose on pet owners who apply too much pressure when they're loving their cats and dogs. Don't miss "Heavy Petting"...

Michele Bachmann assures the American people that her migraines will not affect her performance should she get elected, but the American people might suffer migraines if she is elected...

Monday, July 25, 2011

"PunkBuster" Blocks Murdoch's Attempts To Hack Gamer Profiles

Rupert Murdoch, who was allegedly involved in a phone hacking scandal for his recently closed British tabloid, "News of the World", admitted that he had tried to hack several gamers' multiplayer profiles, but to no avail, thanks to the anti-cheating program PunkBuster.

"I have to hand it to them," Mr Murdoch said in a recent interview, "they're more efficient than the police we bribed."

Mr. Murdoch, his son James Murdoch, and former editor Rebekah Brooks confessed that they had authorized the hacking of several gamers' multiplayer profiles in an attempt to listen in on their conversations.  But Murdoch made it clear that it was not a strategy concocted to aid Fox News Corporation with their research on young voters' political views.

"Such accusations are irresponsible, uncalled for, and probably accurate," claimed Murdoch.

Curiously, Fox News Channel President Roger Ailes says that the attention should be turned away from the accusations and back to the fact that his network is a joke.

Sunday, July 24, 2011

Tea Party Announces "Non-Educational" Games

The Tea Party movement has jumped into the gaming culture with their announcement of a series of "non-educational" games.  A fervent supporter of the movement, ex-talk show host Glenn Beck, says gamers don't need any more educational games.  "I am a prime example of a great non-education, and it ain't done me no harm.."

Fox Games, who is developing the series, offers this.  "We will admit that it is our goal to abolish educational games in favor of our non-educational games, because the people that we follow clearly demonstrate that it doesn't take knowledge to succeed."

Michele Bachmann offered this testimonial for the new games.  "History has taught us, and we need to put a stop to that.  This is the first step..."

Expect such titles as "Obama: Combat The Evil", "Rid The World of Teachers", and "Save The Wealthy"...

Friday, July 22, 2011

Google+ Plans Game Network, Swears "No Ill Will Toward Lesser Facebook Games"

After the overwhelming success of Google+, the new social network, Google has announced plans for a gaming network, much like the one that Facebook has with such popular titles as Farmville and Bejeweled Blitz.

But a Google representative explains, "we want to assure Facebook that this will not be an act of competition, merely giving a choice for users to play our games, or lesser Facebook titles.  And as for Twitter, well, they don't even have that going for them..."

Flagship titles for the Google+ game network will include such titles as "Suck It Facebook", "Eat This Twitter", and "Angry Birds"...

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Charlie Sheen returns to spotlight, comedians worldwide cheer. In related news, comedians also demand that Donald Trump run again...

Arnold Schwarzenegger will make cameo in upcoming "Conan The Barbarian 3D" as fictional character "Governor of California"...

New movie "Captain America" renamed "The First Avenger" overseas, GOP renames it "The First Tea Partier"...

Fox News says that attention should be turned away from Murdoch phone-hacking scandal and back to fact that Fox News is a joke...

Google+ is being blocked by China; government official explains "we are angry that we didn't get our invites"...  

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Scientists announce production of human-derived gelatin, Jell-O announces new slogan "There's Always Room For Your Friends"...

"Friday" singer Rebecca Black announces new single, "Saturday", saying that "this one will stretch my creative juices to the limit"...

Google+ is like that new hamburger joint that opens across from McDonald's. It may have much better food, but no reputation yet.

Clinic owned by Michele Bachmann and husband tells gay patients to "pray the 'gay' away." The American people ask, "how do you pray 'stupid' away?"

New users of Google+ ask 1) How is it different from Facebook? 2) Will it be compatible with other applications? 3) Where's the porn?

Monday, July 18, 2011

Gamers Worldwide Join Google+, Facebook and Twitter - World Collapses in Social Network Overload

Emergency measures were implemented worldwide when peer pressure caused gamers to join Google+, Facebook, and Twitter at the same time.  The catastrophic event caused serious repercussions, effectively crashing the world market, erasing credit card records and generally mucking things up.

"It's a disaster of epic proportions," one official remarked.  "It's like all of Roland Emmerichs's films, and just as bad..."

"In my defense," writes one gamer, "my friends said anyone who was anyone should join as many of these networks as possible, because it would be very cool, and also because our parents asked us not to."

A representative of the White House offers this advice to gamers choosing this dangerous path.  "Think about what you're doing, and for God's sake don't even think of joining Tumblr too..."

In related news, the GOP is in talks to blame the situation on Obama.

Wednesday, July 13, 2011

New Windows 7 Update Features "Hissy Fit" Technology

This week's Windows Update will implement a new technology for Windows 7.  Microsoft is introducing the new prompt service Hissy Fit, which alters the traditional prompts.

If the gamer declines to use Microsoft Firewall or any other service that conflicts with Microsoft standards, the new prompt will display the message "fine! be that way!" and walk off in a virtual huff.  Hissy Fit will also give the user the "silent treatment", not doing anything the user wants until it gets its way.

"We here at Microsoft feel that all of our services are superior to anything else you can download online," comments a Hissy Fit developer.  "And we're always right.  If anyone objects to our ideas, we are fully capable of telling them that their hair is stupid."

Hissy Fit is the first in many PC services to compete with the popular Apple iMac.  The services, as of yet unrevealed, are codenamed "Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah Nyah"...        

Monday, July 11, 2011

Nintendo Admits 3DS "Didn't Launch With Enough Strong Games", Gamers Reply "Duh"

Nintendo released a press statement earlier today, explaining the reason for the middling success of their portable system, the 3DS.  "There simply weren't enough quality games when we launched it.  But we had to launch something at the time so people would still believe we had something to offer."

Tetsuo Miller, CEO of Nintendo, further elaborated by saying "the gimmick of 3D games has already become passe, much like 3D movies should."

Gamers worldwide are not surprised by the statement.  "In one word, 'duh'!" commented gamer WiiBash.  "Maybe they will learn from their mistakes with the next hand-held.  But I'm not betting money on it." Some gamers, however, admit their shock at the statement.  GulliBull32 exclaimed, "3D movies are passe??"

In an effort to bolster sales for the 3DS, Nintendo will be offering vouchers with every new 3DS sold for the upcoming Nintendo Wii U, giving gamers the opportunity to try out the new system before it becomes obsolete a couple of months after its release...

Sunday, July 10, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

After "News of the World" debacle, Rupert Murdoch pressured to change Fox News slogan to "unfair and unbalanced"...

Chicago jury convicts Rod Blagojevich after damning evidence is discovered in his hair...

Fox News Twitter account discovered hacked after people noticed they were tweeting actual facts...

Newsweek apologizes for "Diana at 50" cover and article, claiming they were spammed by bad taste and lack of judgment...

CBS says the faked fireworks images were justified because "the show was entertainment and not news, much like CNN"...

Friday, July 8, 2011

Due To Special Features and Exclusive Demos, "Resistance 3" Will Not Include Actual Game

Insomniac Games issued an apology to gamers today stating that they were so excited about including extra value content for the upcoming release of Resistance 3, they forgot to include the actual game.

After including playable game demos for inFamous 2, 2D and 3D demos of Killzone 3, Motorstorm Apocalypse, and a full length "making of" documentary, they reported that there simply wasn't enough room for the game.  They then added, "That's our story, and we're sticking to it..."

Sony Computer Entertainment has, however, promised that "an inexpensive patch will be available for Resistance 3 that includes the game, as well as another freakin' firmware update..."

Expect "Resistance 3" on September 6, and the patch to be released sometime in October...    


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

"Far Cry 3"'s Open World Campaign Will Take Five Years To Complete

Ubisoft, creator of the popular Far Cry series, which are known for their epic scales, announced today that their next game will feature a scale unsurpassed by any game released.  They claim that the gameplay area for the upcoming Far Cry 3 will be fifty times larger than in previous games, roughly matching the size of Northern Europe.

"We want to make a game that will take at least five years to complete," one developer commented. "It will be so huge, that not only can the player lose himself in the game, they will be able to literally lose theirselves in the game."

In an unprecedented merger, Ubisoft will be working with Google to implement their renowned Google Maps within the game, so gamers can navigate the huge terrain.  Far Cry 3 will also be a groundbreaker in that it will be on a reported 25 Blu-ray discs.

GameStop manager Jack Sparrow is skeptical about the reception for Far Cry 3.  "People will see it and say, 'I don't want the Special Edition, I want the regular version!  And we'll have to say, 'this is the regular version!'"

Far Cry 3 will hit shelves next year, and will most likely knock those shelves down... 

Saturday, July 2, 2011

Selected Items From The Newsophere

Mark Halperin calls Obama a "dick".  In related news, pot calls kettle "black".

Audiences for "Transformers: Dark of the Moon" are required to literally check their brains at the door...

Second tweet by Pope: "What r these angry birds my tweeps have been talking about??? Peace, Benedictus XVI (a.k.a. Game Monster)"

New media catch phrases for July will be 1) "For my money she's a great catch!" 2) "It's a pivotal moment in bovine history!" 3) "Of course I'm full of crap!"

John McCain calls Pong the best video game of 2011...

Personal note:

I am against censorship. I believe if some ******* has some ******* opinion to express, the little **** should be able to ***** about it...

Friday, July 1, 2011

New Playstation "Vito" Successor To PSP, Makes Offer Gamers Can't Refuse

After the announcement of the new Playstation Vita, the new handheld game console, Sony made a surprise correction this morning.  "It's actually called the 'Vito', and we apologize for the confusion.  We also hope that the developers please stop making threats to our families."

The new developer, Bada Bing, assured Sony that "it was just a misunderstanding, but we're sure it won't happen again."

John Corleone, head developer, explains the new features.  "What, you want new features?  Okay, here's your features.  Very simple.  You buy the console, you enjoy it, or you never play another console with your hands again."

Pre-order sales are already topping July charts, and retailers are expecting a Playstation Vito in every household by the end of this year because, as a representative for GameStop puts it, "we love our families too..."

In related news, recently imprisoned mob boss Whitey Bulger confessed to the recent Playstation Network outage, but says that "Sony apparently got the message..."