Glenn Beck Becomes Game Reviewer, Will Only Review Titles About Apocalypse

After being informed that his show was being cancelled by Fox News, Glenn Beck announced in a press release this morning that he will start a game review website.  But he has insisted that he will only review game titles which feature "end of the world" scenarios.

"I feel these games offer important tips on how to survive the impending holocaust," he explained.  "When Hitler comes back, the gaming community will be the best informed on what to do.  And of course, the Tea Party..."

Beck, known for his scare tactics to influence his opinions, is excited about the new venture.  "Now I can scare the crap out of a larger audience.  When I think of the possibilities, I wet myself."

Expect upcoming reviews of the following game titles based on the apocalypse...

Fallout
Fallout 2
Fallout 3
Enslaved: Odyssey To The West
Bulletstorm
Gears of War
Gears of War 2
Gears of War 3
Resistance: Fall of Man
Resistance 2
Rage
S.T.A.L.K.E.R. Shadow of Chernobyl
Left 4 Dead
Left 4 Dead 2
Bionic Commando
Dead Rising
Dead Rising 2
Crysis 2
Zombie Apocalypse
Metro 2033
F.E.A.R. 2: Project Origin
F.E.A.R. 3

...sorry, out of room...

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Health experts have concluded that pretty much everything is bad for you, so everyone is doomed.  They added, "have a nice day"...

Rep. Michele Bachmann says that a government shutdown could be avoided "if they just rebooted..."

People who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones. Not indoors, anyway...

Warner Bros. announces sequel to 1996 hit "Twister" - "Twister 2: It Sucks"...

New Pepsi Taste-Free will have slogan "No Aftertaste. No Taste At All"...

Personal note:
My doctor gave me a placebo for my headache. Which was fine because I really didn't have one...

Gamers Spammed With Actual "SPAM"

In the most elaborate and cruel malware campaign ever created, actual cans of "SPAM" were sent to gamers worldwide Monday.

"I was checking Twitter, reading my e-mail, "comments gamer MntyPython, "when suddenly I was spammed big time.  But with actual cans of SPAM!  What the hell is this stuff, anyway?"

SPAM marketer Don T. Lookatmee denies that he was involved in the vile campaign.  "But truth be told, I wish I had come up with it first."

Fox News was the first to report on the phenomenon.  Roger Ailes, president of the network, insisted there was a political connection.  "This foul trick reeks of the Liberals and their agenda," he said.  "And it actually reeks!  The smell!  Ewww..."

White House press secretary Jay Carney released a White House response to Mr. Ailes this morning.  "President Obama says, quote, 'Roger, get a life.' End quote."     

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Charlie Sheen's live show in Detroit bombs, but not for the expected reasons. "He's a terrible singer," explained one of the attendees. "His tribute to Elvis was deplorable..."

Republican Party says they don't have problems with President's policies; just still disappointed with Obama's failed 1995 talk show...

If you synch Pink Floyd's "Dark Side Of The Moon" to one of Glenn Beck's shows, he's still full of crap...

Crosswords have become political; today's answer to 5 down - Obama's birthplace - is "Kenya"...

Today Frederick's of Hollywood announced their brand new line of "Heart Smart" edible panties...

Personal note:
I once met a wise old man who could tell me the secret of life. Of course, he also kept calling me "Sparky"...

Disney Would Apologize To Everyone For "Epic Mickey" But "They Really Don't Care"

Disney's "Epic Mickey" was predicted to be the Christmas hit of 2010, but was blasted by critics and gamers alike when it came out.

In a statement released this morning after the surprising announcement of Epic Mickey 2, a Disney spokesman explained that "Disney would really like to apologize to everyone who was disappointed with the game, but the truth is, they really couldn't care less.  I quote, 'you bought the game right?  And we got your money.  So quit bitching.' End quote."

In related news, the remastered limited edition of "Old Yeller" went on sale this morning and will be pulled from shelves this afternoon...

"Celebrity Apprentice" Game Pits Gamers Against Their Favorite Entertainment Has-Beens

Fans of Donald Trump's popular show "Celebrity Apprentice" will soon be able to face-off with their favorite once-celebrities in a new game based on the hit series.


"I'm so excited," comments gamer DncgwStarz.  "I've always wanted to yell at Meatloaf and Dionne Warwick, particularly Ms. Warwick.  'Solid Gold' just plain sucked..."

Donald Trump offers his take on the new game.  "It's really going to be something special that will be remembered.  And more importantly, it will feature me - the next President of the United States..."

For April Fool's Day, Game Companies Offer Titles That Don't Have Any Bugs

As an April Fool's Day prank, game companies including Ubisoft and Activision are offering bug-removal updates to bug-infested classics such as Far Cry 2, but the updates last for one day only.

"Tomorrow, the games revert and go back to their original bug-ridden state," explains Ubisoft head developer Heywood Jablome.  A member of the game community, Harry Butoks, comments that "gamers will have a one-time opportunity to experience these games as they were supposed to be when they were released."  Activision head Mike Hunt also commented that "this move will also influence new developers to continue the tradition of producing and releasing titles that aren't finished."

In related news, a certain fake gaming news blog has been accused of using joke names in their April Fool's Day article...