Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Anthony Weiner reportedly sought for endorsement by Oscar Mayer...


Rebecca Black pulls "Friday" video from YouTube, explains "there's way too much quality stuff on there without my music!"

Lada Gaga's meat dress kept in meat locker and dried out by taxidermists. Oddly enough, Lady Gaga is, too...

Newt Gingrich demands apology from NBC, saying his campaign's staff shake-up was not caused by his wife, but by simply being a schmuck...

AZ education chief John Huppenthal nixes Mexican-American studies program, GOP asks him to run for president...

Sony Assures Gamers That Future Game Installation Times Will Double by 2012

Sony spokesperson John St. John released a statement today that future Playstation 3 game installation times will double by next year.  "Sure, Xbox 360 and Wii game installation is practically instantaneous, but we like to think that our install times reflect the quality of our games."

Mr. St. John also offered suggestions for gamers on what they can do while waiting for their games to install.  "Take a long walk, go see a couple of movies, spend the day at the museum," he said. "Maybe when you come back, the install will have completed.  For future games, Sony recommends taking a vacation..."

Reviewers have pointed out that the Playstation 3 technology is far superior to the Xbox 360 and the Nintendo Wii, so long installation times should not be a factor.

Mr. St. John offered this rebuttal.  "Yes, but can they play Blu-ray movies?" 

GameView Presents: Ask The FAQ Guy for June

Our resident know-it-all will now answer your gaming questions...


Q:  What did you think of E3?

A:  I thought it was loud.


Q:  My gameplay is choppy and really slow.

A:  Maybe you should play a less challenging game, then.



Q:  Certain function keys don't seem to work.

A:  Makes you wonder why they're called function keys, huh?



Q:  How do I change my profile?


A:  Turn to the left or right.


Q:  I am experiencing a lot of lag.

A:  Get some sleep.


Q:  I cannot hear any voices.

A:  Count yourself lucky.


Q:  I'm getting an unrecoverable error.

A:  Then you're f**ked.


Q:  When I install a game, my virus scan detects a virus.

A:  Isn't that what a virus scan is supposed to do?



Q:  What are Vertex and Pixel?

A:  Words.



Q:  How do I look around in a game?


A:  Move your head.


Q:  How do I change from software to hardware?

A:  Look at porn.



Q:  My mouse is too sensitive.

A:  Sounds like he needs counseling.

Despite Terrible Reviews, Gamers Oddly Compelled to Buy "Duke Nukem Forever"

Even after receiving the worst reviews of any game released so far this year, gamers have been mysteriously compelled to purchase the long-delayed Duke Nukem Forever, making it the best selling video game of this month.

"I can't explain it," gamer Sheep42 explains. "This thing has become a joke in the gaming community, but it's finally out!  It's getting awful reviews, but I have to have it!  And even more strangely, I need everyone to know!"  "It's like watching a train wreck or a car accident," another gamer, SickF**k, comments. "Of course I would probably buy a game about a train wreck or a car accident."

2K Games CEO Ewell Bynething is ignoring the reviews, but he is not surprised by the success.  "People will go for any product or celebrity just because they're popular, which of course we are counting on..."

In related news, the Kardashian sisters, Paris Hilton, and Snooki are all coming out with new video games about themselves just because they can...

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Leaked report shows that smartphone signals threaten jet navigation by unknowingly luring angry birds to aircraft...

Anthony Weiner admits he sent messages to teenage girl but denies wrongdoing. "Denial has worked for me so far," he says.

Justin Bieber meets Selena Gomez's mom, the two of them hit it off instantly. "For one thing, we have the same earrings," she says.

Tim Tebow confirms that his muscles are real in photo, but his junk has been Photoshopped...


Sarah Palin e-mails confirm what was already known about the ex-governor - she is one of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse...

Tracy Morgan booed for anti-gay remarks at Nashville show, audiences later clarify that they were booing because he also wasn't funny...

E3 Comes to Close - Developers Resume Delaying Projects, Creating Buggy Games

After the smash success of this year's E3, developers have returned to creating games which require multiple updates, and delaying much anticipated new titles.

A developer from Ubisoft says, "now we can get back to putting the finishing touches on Assassin's Creed: Revelations, which should be ready by 2013..."

Nintendo boss Noriyuta Jones plans to go on vacation now that E3 has wrapped up. "It is our goal to rest on our laurels as much as possible until Legend of Zelda: Skyward Sword comes out. And why not? Who's really going to notice?"

Sony Playstation 3 chairman Humbert Humbert claims that "we are already working on exciting new additions to our popular upcoming games, Uncharted 3 and Resistance 3.  Next year we will be unveiling Uncharted 4 and Resistance 4..."

Microsoft has high hopes for the upcoming Gears of War 3, saying "we are confident that gamers will look at this as the third game in the Gears of War franchise..."

In related news, attendees worldwide recover from extreme dehydration and muscle pains in special Post E3 clinics set up around the globe...

10 Little Known Facts About The New Wii U Controller

1.  It can be used to pan for gold.

2. The Navy SEALS used it to take out Bin Laden.

3. If Nintendo doesn't come out with any quality games, it's pretty much useless.

4. Anthony Weiner should have used it to cover his bulge.

5. It's a poor man's iPad.

6. You can watch internet porn on the touch screen, but your parents will think you're playing Super Mario.

7. It can be used as a really freakin' expensive Etch A Sketch.

8. Upgrades will be surgically implanted to your hand, as the controller will graft itself to you upon first use.

9. It will not be a leading cause of carpal tunnel syndrome when released, but give it time.

10. It's Heart Smart.