Local Teenager Not Missing, Just Playing "World of Warcraft"

NEWARK - Ian Nichols, 18, was discovered today at an internet cafe weeks after his family had reported him missing to the local police.

It was revealed that he had just been in a marathon session in the popular massively multiplayer online game, World of Warcraft.

Nichols, a.k.a. Lord Virthau the Benevolent and Vicious, assured family and friends that he was okay, after the paramedics declared him "healthy, but over-caffeinated".

In a press release, Nichols was reported as saying, "AFK.  Geez, I don't know what the big deal is."

Closure was also brought to a case recently in Boulder, Colorado, where fifty-five year-old Herbert West, a.k.a. King Damocles the Righteous, had been reported missing and presumed dead.

Another addicted player of WOW, he was discovered in a small cabin with Wi-Fi.  Sheriff Grayson White is unsure of how long Mr. West had been in the cabin, but stated that "he was very surprised that we now had a black president."