GAMEVIEW UPDATE!

Well folks, you may have noticed that GameView hasn't been updated in awhile.

If you haven't noticed, then you probably aren't paying attention.
That's your problem, and I can't help you with that.

What I can help you with is accurate, painfully researched fake news.

I have another blog called The Newsosphere, and since it is Election Year, needless to say I have been a busy little beaver with my other blog.

Click the icon above - the white and blue one with the globe that says "News",  you can't miss it - and you will instantly be taken to The Newsophere.
Unless of course you have a really slow connection, then go get a coffee while you wait, watch a YouTube video, catch up on your porn - whatever floats your boat.

As soon as the gaming world erupts with more delays, crappy ports, controversies, or just plain foolishness courtesy of some leading game developers, GameView will be back.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled fake gaming news blog, already in progress.
Thanks for watching.

(imagine my signature here)

E3 2012 Highlights

1.  All anticipated titles are pushed to 2013, gamers baffled as to what they will be doing this holiday season.

2.  Nintendo Wii U a big hit with people who still believe that Nintendo is still worth mentioning.

3.  LEGO debuts series of games based on films of Martin Scorsese.

4.  Many game publishers admit that most of their titles are mostly CGI cut scenes.

5.  Kim Kardashian and Donald Trump both introduce games where they battle with reality.

6.  Hideo Kojima changes upcoming Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance name to Metal Gear Rising - Subsustenance of the Sons of the Guns of the Patriots: Revengeanceocalypse.

7.  Another freakin' Halo game is showcased.

8.  Another freakin' Call of Duty game is showcased.

9.  Even new titles are required to include roman numerals in their names.

10.  Rockstar says Grand Theft Auto V will feature Mario and Luigi, Bowser drug kingpin of Liberty City.  

11.  "Duke Nukem Forever" sequel announced; audience responds with uncontrollable laughter.

Twenty Years Ago…

blog: rare skin condition – as in how’s that blog healing?

facebook: not as popular as “facepalm” but much more painful…

tweet: what birds do.

twitter: see tweet

laptop: somebody’s lap

Friend: just a noun

Circle me: walk around a person

bookmark: saves your place in actual book

feed: something you give livestock

hashtag: just say no

Spotify: a glass cleaner

Hangout: local dive

smart phone: opposite of a dumb phone

tag: you’re it!

troll: that thing under the bridge

newsreader: Tom Brokaw

Amazon: a rainforest

Follower: cult member

Plus: term used in math

TECH REPORT: Sony’s “Bullshit Detector” May Be Scrapped in Final Phase

SILICON VALLEY - Today Sony announced that is likely that they would not be releasing one of the most anticipated items of this year, the Fallacy Finder, or "Bullshit Detector".

"We are never one to turn a blind eye to innovation," said Sony CEO Ken Itwerk, "but we may have pushed the envelope on this product, and in this case the envelope pushed back."

Details are coming out about the cancelled product. During early test phases, the "bullshit detector" showed incredible results in detecting bullshit. But in the final phase, a common occurrence sealed the fate of the item.

"We were just about to start the final phase," one technician explained, "when my partner turned on the television in our lab. But what he didn't know was that he had inadvertently exposed the detector to overwhelming masses of bullshit. The detector overheated, and eventually burnt itself out!"

He added, "I don't think that people realize just how much bullshit they are exposed to on a daily basis, and that's not just the ones who watch Fox News."

However, all may not be lost. Sony is also planning a safety restriction guideline for consumers, in hopes that they might be able to finish work on the "bullshit detector" and release it in the Fall. "We feel that this is a minor setback, and if people could just restrict their use of the detector to certain detector-friendly environments, we are confident that this could be the must-have product of 2012."

Sony has listed many things that could cause a possible overload, including 24-hour news networks, reality shows, political debates, and most advertising.

In related news, the Cliche Alert app for the iPhone 5 is a stone's throw away from being released, but insiders say unless they keep the wolf away from the door, it will be available when the cows come home...

Sony Vows To Release PS4 Before Xbox 720, Considers Time Travel

Today Sony Computer Entertainment announced that it is essential that they release the upcoming Playstation 4 console before Microsoft's next console, the Xbox 720, in order to stay competitive in the gaming market. Among the strategies they are considering is the use of time travel.

"It's not unheard of," says a Sony representative. "It is widely known, or suspected greatly, that most of the Republican candidates have used this technology to aid their campaign. Their outdated attitudes and views of history prove that."

If the time travel idea is approved, plans are to return to 2011, complete production, then release the console as early as next week. "Of course, once consumers purchase the console, they will have to download all of the updates that we created in 2011, to bring it up to today's standards," one insider disclosed. Other sources say that the number of updates could be upwards of 28 or so.

Sony admits that they still haven't quite figured out all of the possible problems associated with their time travel scenario, but assures people that "our best technicians and programmers have studied the movie Back to the Future to cover all possibilities".

"And," the Sony representative added, "the 'flux capacitor' not only works, but may be a key component to our as yet announced smart phone."

In related news, sales for the Call of Duty series of games are beginning to slow, as gamers are finally realizing they're all pretty much the same game.

Creators of Instagram Introduce Rotary Phone App for Smart Phones

After their historic billion dollar sale to Facebook’s Mark Zuckerberg, the creators of the smart phone app Instagram are not resting on their laurels. “Not only do we have a new product in mind, but we also have no idea what laurels are.”

The innovators of the popular app Instagram, which allows users to alter photos taken on their phones to look like vintage photographs, will be rolling out the new RetroRotary app, which simulates a rotary phone. “Users are forced to dial people’s phone numbers by putting their finger on the dial and spinning it to the selected numbers to make a call. It’s an innovation whose time has come, just like an app that makes your photos look like crappy amateur images.”

Polaroid has also expressed interest in working with iPhone and Android on a concept that they feel “is the next logical step.” A special feature for the next series of smart phones will be the ability to take Polaroid pictures right from the phone. “We have the technology to print out Polaroid quality pictures that develop straight from the phone. Now we just need a bunch of poor bastards to think it’s a good idea…”

In somewhat related news, studies show 30% of internet traffic is pornography, while 70% is attributed to bitching about it…

GameStop Now Taking Pre-orders For Games Still in Development

After setting records with pre-orders for games coming out in November, popular video game retailer GameStop announced today that they will now also be taking orders for games that are still in their development stages.

"We are very excited," a representative for GameStop said, "this gives our customers not only a chance to be the first to get the latest games, but now they can gamble their hard earned money on games which might never see the light of day..."

GameStop is now taking pre-orders for Grand Theft Auto-Untitled, Untitled Activision Game, Nintendo Wii U Super Mario Something, and Half-Life 3...

In related news, Apple is planning to announce iPads 4 through 20; consumers are already standing in lines at Apple stores to purchase them...

New iPad 3 Next Big Thing For At Least A Month

The recently released and much anticipated iPad 3 had consumers salivating. “I always want to be the first person to have the latest big thing,” commented Albert Dente. “I can’t wait to fire this baby up and check out all of the new features! It should keep me busy until the next big thing, or when I realize I need to get a life – whichever comes first!”

Apple says that the hype for the new iPad promises to dwarf the iPad 2, and maybe even the original iPad. “We also have high hopes that its popularity will best that of the light bulb and the printing press,” says an Apple representative. “Not to mention sliced bread. Which, by the way, is also an app featured on the iPad 3.”

“We project that people worldwide will embrace it, marvel at its new features, then quickly lose interest within at least a month,” says Al A. Carte, editor of Apple Core magazine. “It’s going to be a grand time for Apple and their customers, until the next big thing is announced.”

Apple also reported that the next iPad in development will be the iPad IV, and project that it will be another ground breaker, in that it will be the first Apple product to use a Roman numeral.

In related news, Motorola will be introducing Car Keys, a new item that consumers can shake and look at for hours…

"Kinect: Star Wars" Enables Player To Exact Revenge On George Lucas

The much anticipated Kinect title for the XBox 360, Kinect: Star Wars, will give players a special treat, comments a representative of Microsoft. "Not only will you be able to play the game with absolutely no controller, but a special level will allow you to hunt down and destroy George Lucas for what he did to the franchise."

The gamer is equipped with the traditional arsenal of a Jedi to defeat Lucas, including lightsabers and force powers, as well as new items such as copies of The Star Wars Holiday Special and reviews of Red Tails.

"I can't wait to be a Jedi and fight stormtroopers and bounty hunters!" said one enthusiastic gamer. "But what would really be cool? Slashing down Jar Jar!"

All playable characters will have special abilities, reports Microsoft, including Anakin Skywalker "being a whiny bitch and blaming everyone for his problems" and Padme Amidala's ability to "look great but not lend anything to gameplay".

In related news, Lego Star Wars is in production, and will be the first movie featuring inanimate objects if one doesn't count the cast of Twilight...

Activision Announces "Battleship" Game Based On Movie Based On Game

Today Activision announced that they are launching a new video game based on the upcoming movie Battleship, which is based on the classic board game by Hasbro.  "It's a bold step," says Activision spokesman Heywood Jablome.  "This is unprecedented in the video game industry, and also pretty ridiculous."


The upcoming adaptation of the forthcoming movie based on the no longer coming game will feature classic Battleship gameplay, except for the fact that the player will be battling aliens.  "Why didn't the people who created the game come up with that idea?" says Hasbro spokesman Oldis Newagin.  "Oh yeah, because it's stupid."


Universal Pictures plans to tie their publicity campaign with the release of the video game, as well as referring to the classic for the movie.  The tagline for the posters will feature the statement "based on the classic game our target demographic has never heard of..."


In related news, Michael Bay has signed on for the big screen adaptation of Hungry Hungry Hippos... 

Fake Gaming News Blog Celebrates One Year Anniversary

Several personalities offered their congratulations on the one year anniversary of the fake gaming news blog GameView Fake Gaming News Print To Fit.  That is, after they figured out what it was.

"I was very excited and happy on this momentous occasion once I looked up what the hell GameView was," commented humorist Andy Borowitz.  "Of all of the fake gaming news blogs out there, this is certainly the only one," said President Barack Obama.  

However, some offered curious kudos.  John McCain asked, "what's a blog?", while former GOP nominee Michele Bachmann said, "I'm running for president."  Celebrity Kim Kardashian offered these words - "anything that was printed about me was untrue, except for everything I said..."

The gaming industry expressed their congratulations by planning to "firebomb" the writer's house, as revenge for him "ripping us a new one".  "All of the critiques of us on this blog will be put to rest once we begin making non-buggy, quality games and game controllers, starting in 2014."

The writer celebrated by writing a supposedly real article about people whom he would never actually meet in real life congratulating him.  Afterward, he treated himself to a tub of Haagen Dazs Chocolate Chocolate Chip and his favorite internet porn...   

ATTENTION!

GAMEVIEW will be going on a hiatus for awhile.  As any of you gamers know, much like movies, there's nothing noteworthy going on with video games during January and February.

But GAMEVIEW will return with all new articles and various stuff!
Well of course they will be all new.  Duh.

Check out the Archive for articles you may have missed, or wish to revisit and share with your friends!
And as always...
THANKS FOR PLAYING!

Battle Begins For Next Generation Consoles Not Developed Yet

Upcoming consoles are already garnering massive popularity among the gaming industry. Microsoft's Xbox 720 and Playstation 4 are the clear front runners, with Nintendo's next effort, the Wii U, still generating skepticism. "It's not that the controller for the Wii U seems to be a bulky, tablet like thing that looks like a headache to use," explains a writer for GamePro. Oh wait, yeah it is."

Though the specs for both the 720 and PS4 have yet to be revealed, it has been reported that Sony will have the most powerful machine on the market, but, Sony says, "only after the gamer installs about twenty updates." The 720, however, will not require any updates, a source at Microsoft reported. But he also said that there will be no Kinect support for the new console because "Kinect sucks".

Several leading game companies are caught up in the anticipation of the next generation consoles. "We are looking forward to developing games for the new consoles, and of course, giving gamers a chance to play the best and most innovative titles to be offered. We are also looking forward to hyping the hell out of the least impressive ones!"

2012 looks to be a stellar year for the video gamer, with new and innovative consoles and games. And with them, countless updates and bugs.

THE GAMEVIEW 2011 AWARDS FOR VIDEO GAME EXELLENCE

Only Reason To Still Own Nintendo Wii... 
LEGEND OF ZELDA: SKYWARD SWORD

Biggest Failure for Consoles...
MICROSOFT KINECT
PLAYSTATION MOVE

Most Hyped and Least Impressive
NINTENDO 3DS

The "Give It Up Already!" Award...
DUKE NUKEM FOREVER
CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 3
F.E.A.R. 3
METROID: OTHER "M"
RED FACTION: ARMAGEDDON
ALICE: MADNESS RETURNS

Worst Use of Roman Numerals...
FINAL FANTASY XIV

Whiniest Bitch Award...
SAMUS - METROID: OTHER "M"

Best Game Released With Most Bugs...
THE ELDER SCROLLS V: SKYRIM

Games Which Had Worst Use of Movie License...
ALL OF THEM

The "Huh? Oh Yeah! Forgot About Them!" Award...
LITTLE BIG PLANET 2
DEAD SPACE 2
BULLETSTORM

Silliest Game Title...
THE DISHWASHER: VAMPIRE SMILE

Biggest Time Sucker...
ANGRY BIRDS

Sales Report "Skyrim" Best Selling Game, Anything Not "Skyrim" Less Successful

Today sales figures pointed to the conclusion that 2011's big winner critically and financially is Bethesda's RPG hit, The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim. They also indicated that any game that was not called Skyrim was the least successful game of the year.

"There were other games, to be sure," one gaming analyst says, "but I think they would have benefited greatly had they also been called Skyrim. There is a lesson here for future developers - call your game something like Elder Scrolls or Skyrim and you will have a guaranteed hit."

A recent poll by GameR shows the percentage comparison:

Skyrim 95%
Not Skyrim 5%

Several leading game companies have already announced upcoming titles such as Batman: Skyrim, Super Mario Skyrim, Uncharted 4: Skyrim, and Duke Nukem: Skyrim Forever.

The only developer who is undaunted, however, is Rockstar Games, famous for the Grand Theft Auto series. "According to extensive research," says a Rockstar representative, "our series will get '10 out of 10' reviews and make millions for the next ten years, as our contracts with various gaming media websites will confirm."

In related news, Activision announced that their Call of Duty series will continue to be a hugely successful franchise until gamers are no longer sheep.

Top Ten Failed Gadgets or Apps of 2011

10. iDead

9. Nintendo (yeah, pretty much everything)

8. Black light mirror

7. Sugar-free edible panties

6. Cordless cord

5. Wi-Fi-Mai-Tai

4. Angry Tea Partiers

3. Muzak on Spotify

2. Google Hangouts on Ice



and the Number One Failed Gadget or App of 2011...

1. Microphones for the GOP Debates

"Next Gen" Games To Be Mobile Exclusives, Promote Eye Strain

Several game studios announced today that, because of the overwhelming success of games on iPhone and iPad, all next generation games will be developed exclusively for the mobile platforms. "When you look at sales, clearly console games have heard their death knell - Death Knell also soon to be a mobile game - the future is smaller," says a noted game sales analyst.

"As people's attention spans get smaller and smaller, we feel that so should the way they see games. After all, size no longer matters. The bigger you are no longer delivers the goods, and even suggests that you may be compensating for something, so don't get cocky," explains Activision CEO Jack Napier.

Gamers can expect the next titles in successful franchises such as Call of Duty for iPhones, iPads, and the new Playstation Vita. If successful, the campaign by leading game companies will further promote eyestrain, and with any luck, carpal tunnel syndrome. Skeptics suggest that this trend may not be healthy for the average person, but several have pointed out that "healthy" is no longer in vogue.

"In fact," adds Mr. Napier, "when you think about it, the only 'healthy' is in the magazine Vogue, and it's mostly photoshopped."

In related news, many new games will feature even smaller in-game text to ensure that gamers will have no f**king clue as to what they're doing...

"Google Shoot View" Pulled, Popular with Sick Bastards

After the Flash game debuted last week, "Google Shoot View" has been pulled. Created by Pool Worldwide. it let players type in any address, then drop them into a Google Street View location, and let them shoot at people standing around. Needless to say, the new app has drawn considerable controversy.

One group, however, voiced their protest of the game cancellation. One gamer posted, "speaking as a really sick bastard, I enjoyed having the option of killing real people, if only as a simulation. But really, what else can you do in prison?" Another gamer posted, "this is so badass! We should have more games like this! I am so glad I stopped taking my medication!"

Google issued a statement earlier today apologizing profusely for the release of "Shoot View". "Apparently, not only are there sick f**ks who enjoy this type of game worldwide, but also ones who work for Google."

Ten Things You Should Know About Facebook Timeline

1. First rule of Facebook Timeline - you do not talk about Facebook Timeline. *

2. No matter what you post, other people's lives will still be more interesting.

3. You can revisit all that crap you thought was clever when you posted it last year.

4. No matter what month you look at, the Republican Party will have done something stupid.

5. Mark Zuckerberg is watching you. So be good for goodness sake.

6. You can review the thousands of Farmville requests you ignored.

7. It's just like your real life, but in digital form, but with no actual human contact, which is just like your real life.

8. David Fincher will be directing the movie.

9. Your "Likes" of Justin Bieber, Dancing With The Stars, and Twilight will no longer be hidden from your friends.

10. Your stalkers will feel that much closer to you.


* Actually, other people talk about your Facebook Timeline

"Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance" Features Non-Traditional Gameplay, Silly Name

Hideo Kojima, creator of the Metal Gear series, announced at the recent Video Game Awards, that the much anticipated next game would feature non-traditional gameplay for the IP, and would also feature the silliest title in the popular franchise.

Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance won't have the stealth gameplay that made the original Metal Gear Solid a trendsetter," Mr. Kojima said. "We figure that when you have something that fans love, the best idea is to discard it in favor of something more generic. Much like the Transformers movie franchise."

Other titles suggested for the new Metal Gear included Metal Gear Rising: Subsustenance, Metal Gear Rising: Sons of the Guns of the Patriots, and the controversial Metal Gear Rising: Revengeanceocalypse.

"We went with Revengeance, after we regained our composure from laughing," Mr. Kojima explained. When all was said and done, it was certainly the least ridiculous of the titles."

Konami and Platinum, who are developing the new game, promised one thing gamers will be able to count on. "The gameplay may have changed, but the traditional fifteen minute cut scenes will remain. You're welcome."

Surprisingly in related news, Metal Gear Rising: Revengeanceocalypse of the Subsustenance is being considered as a potential film property by M. Night Shyamalamadingdong...