Hot off the Presses!

My new eBook, Selected Items from the Newsosphere is available for purchase on Amazon and Smashwords!

"This book is laugh-out-loud entertainment!"

"A must-read!"

And these quotes were from actual people!

http://www.smashwords.com/books/view/100782

http://www.amazon.com/Selected-Items-Newsosphere-ebook/dp/B0061HAGH8/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320073487&sr=8-1

President of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan Outraged by Cain Comments

Today the President of the Republic of Ubeki-beki-beki-beki-beki-stan-stan, Whoza Whatsa, voiced his anger at certain comments by Republican presidential hopeful Herman Cain.

"I believe I speak for my people when I say that we are shocked by the insensitivity of this man, and our sincere hope is that he is not even allowed to take a vacation in Europe, what with his limited views."

Of note, President Whatsa has expressed his support of creating jobs in the United States, through diplomatic relations with President Obama. "We will do whatever we can to aid our overseas neighbors, only with the promise that Mr. Cain return to his pizza business, and no longer aspire to become President. Clearly his ingredients for a better America are as much a failure as the ingredients for his pizzas."

Whatsa did cite one positive thing to come out of his knowledge of Herman Cain. "We are now using his campaign ad in our schools to show our children the horrors of smoking."

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

American Lung Association condemns Herman Cain's campaign ad; In related news, tobacco industry endorses Herman Cain...


Rick Perry says he regrets doing the 2012 debates. "I'm uncomfortable with anything that isn't rigged..."


Texas agency censors scientific report to remove references to reality, saying "why should the Tea Party have all the fun?"


Lindsay Lohan to pose for Playboy, saying that it would be the next logical step for her diminishing career.


Warner Bros. pulling all ‘Harry Potter’ movies by end of year, or as other distributors call it, "pulling a Disney"...


Rick Perry says Obama birth certificate issue "a good one to keep alive"; People suggest someone should "pull the plug" on his campaign.


To err is human; to forgive, well, depends on who's erring...

Google Plus Users Obsessed With "Plussing" and Sharing Posts

A recent study shows that both regular and new users of Google Plus, the new social network, are developing seemingly unhealthy obsessions with "plussing" - adding a "+1" indicating they favor a certain post - and sharing posts with the public. 

This conclusion was based on data compiled by an independent study conducted by an independent research team in Independence, Missouri. "The behavior exhibited suggests two possibilities," says head researcher Xander Harris. "One, Google Plus is secretly planting subliminal messages in their users' heads, or two - these poor schmucks have nothing better to do."

One example of this growing phenomenon occurred Monday when a photoshopped image of a mountain lion running from Lady Gaga went viral in under five minutes, with 500 pluses and 1000 shares. This photo beat the current record holder of celebrity Ashton Kutcher's post of his favorite trees, which garnered over 800 pluses and shares by fans.

"Clearly this sort of behavior should be monitored and investigated," Mr. Harris concluded. "No one wants Google Plus to go the way of Facebook and Twitter, but this inanity shows no signs of going away..."

In related news, a recent poll suggests that people are freakin' tired of tech bloggers comparing Google Plus to Facebook...

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Obama announces end of Iraq war, GOP lobbies for "do-over"...


Test audiences for "Paranormal Activity 3" suggest that the trailer should be released instead.


M.C. Hammer announces WireDoo search engine, but explains that "even with this, you will still not be able to find my career..."


Herman Cain says ''you can wash the gay away''. But can you wash "stupid" away?


Libyan officials report Moammar Gadhafi has been captured and  killed. Maybe now we will finally learn how exactly his name is supposed to be spelled...


The Tea Party is comprised of Evangelical Christians, Ultra-Conservatives, and Herman Cain.

Obama Announces End Of Iraq War, GOP Says Harold Camping Was Right

NEWSOSPHERE BREAKING NEWS:


Today President Barack Obama announced the end of the war in Iraq, and pledged to bring back all American troops by the end of this year.

This news sent a wave of fear through the GOP. "This kind of thing was not expected to happen this soon, and if we had our way, not at all," Speaker of the House John Boehner said. "It's a travesty of justice, in that it's our version of justice, and of course, the Obama administration is a travesty."

The recent news, and protests such as Occupy Wall Street, have threatened the very fiber of our nation, claims the GOP. "If you do the math, 1% is really a big number, since none of us can count higher."

Republicans have voiced astonishment at the prediction of the end of the world today by radio evangelist Harold Camping. "As far as we're concerned, he was right! Who knew?"

In related news, both Dick Cheney and George W. Bush have taken credit for the end of the Iraq War. "You're welcome," they stated in an interview this afternoon.

True Horror Movies

Night of the Cheney
Real Stepford Housewives of New Jersey
Bankers!
Snooki of the Dead
Jobless
Fox News: The Movie
House of the Kardashians
Bloodthirsty Republicans
The Cantor Horror
Dancing With The Undead
Rise of the Tea Party
Star Wars: Episode VII
Michael Bay's The Sound of Music
Palin
Kill The Jobs Bill Deadly
Whatever Happened To Carrot Top?
Jaws V
100 Nights of Glenn Beck
The Texas Perry Massacre
Jersey Shore: The Movie
Casper: The Conservative Ghost

Selected Items From The Newsosphere: Special Viva Las Vegas Edition

TONIGHT! ONE NIGHT ONLY!

THE GOP DEBATE IN LAS VEGAS!

Featuring...

RICK "STRAIGHT SHOOTER (I CAN HIT MY FOOT)" PERRY!

MICHELE "I HAVE 240 FOSTER CHILDREN" BACHMANN!

MITT "WHO THE HELL ELSE ARE YOU GONNA VOTE FOR?" ROMNEY!

HERMAN "BLACK WALNUT" CAIN!
Also, Tonight's Drinking Game - 999!

JON, RON, AND RICK SOMETHING!

and WAYNE NEWTON!!!




BREAKING: Newt Gingrich discovered onstage with presidential candidates. 


Perry and Romney face off in an unmitigated explosion of harsh language, or as the GOP calls it, "responding to Obama"... 


Wayne Newton backup singers replace Huntsman, Paul and Santorum. No one notices.


Herman Cain promises free pizza in exchange for ignorance from American people. 


Ritch Workman wants to repeal ban on "dwarf-tossing" in Florida, but protests the popular "cookie tossing" when watching GOP debates...


Even though Herman Cain was discovered to have connections with billionaire brothers, he will not admit to his Koch addiction.

Top 10 Differences Between Occupy Wall Street and the Tea Party

10. Their protesters can spell.

9. The Tea Party protests something we actually need.

8. Police don't mace Tea Party members.

7. Fox News doesn't support Occupy Wall Street.

6. Free food. 'Nuff said.

5. Common sense.

4. The Tea Party is named after a cause that was actually the opposite of what they're about.

3. Occupy Wall Street is global.

2. Cooler celebrities.

And the Number One difference between Occupy Wall Street and the Tea Party...

They have a point.

Makers of "Modern Warfare 3" Ask: What War Should Be Glamorized Next?

After the immense success of the Call of Duty series, developer Infinity Ward announced recently that they are running out of wars to glamorize.  "We've done World War II to death, Afghanistan, Iraq, even Vietnam.  We now ask our fans to send us feedback on what war they want glamorized next.  We would also like to explain that our titles don't necessarily glamorize war, but that we just stated that because it will keep parent groups off of our backs."

E-mails with suggestions have flooded Infinity Ward since the announcement, most of which consist of phrases such as "I like to blow up stuff" and "kill 'em all".  One gamer writes, "just gimme a game where I can blow shit up and shoot people, I don't care who they are.  I'm not picky."

Infinity Ward has also reported that should gamers fail to come up with a conflict soon, plans are underway for titles such as "Call of Duty: Mall Cop" and "Call of Duty: Hall Monitor". 

Activision Promises Next Spider-Man Game Won't Suck

Today Activision announced plans to team with long-time developer Beenox to create, quote, "a Spider-Man game that will not suck".   End quote.  Their goal is to create a game with more interesting characters, polished controls, and a total lack of nauseatingly repetitive tasks.

"We really have learned our lesson after Spider-Man, Spider-Man 2, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spider-Man 3, Spider-Man: Web of Shadows, Spider-Man: Shattered Dimensions, and Spider-Man: Edge of Time.  Really.  No, really," said Activision CEO Stanley Excelsior.  "We promise to deliver a product worthy of the popular Marvel character, or our name isn't Activision."

Strangely enough, it has been discovered that, in fact, Activision is not the name of the video game publisher.  The publisher formerly known as Activision had no comment to the discovery, only to clarify that the recently released Edge of Time is not the game that introduces the new direction.  "No, the next one will be great, but yeah, Edge of Time sucks..."

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

CLASS Act pulled from healthcare law. Mitch McConnell explains that "the GOP has no interest in being associated with CLASS"...


"Charlie's Angels" reboot cancelled by ABC due to sheer disbelief...


This just in - Wall Street protests go global after it is discovered that there are wealthy assholes all over the world...


NBC uses Twitter to help launch new drama 'Grimm', pilot will be 140 characters or less...


"The Thing" and "Footloose" debut in movie theaters. In other news, President Ronald Reagan lands in China...


This just in - Siri for iPhone 4S has nervous breakdown after attempting to decipher language of the GOP...

New Facebook Design 2.0

features* include:

1) Stock information ticker
2) Pop-up ads
3) 3D
4) Screensaver
5) Flash ads
6) Horoscope for today
7) Local weather
8) Ads ticker
9) Online gaming screen
10) YouTube box
11) Streaming ads
12) Diagonal chat box
13) Like/Like button
14) Share to All Facebook Members
15) Doodle box
16) "Red Alert!" for notifications
17) "People You May Know" replaced with "People Who Know Where You Live"
18) Miscellaneous crap
19) FBI Profile
20) Ads


*all features not optional

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

GOP introduces new slogan: "Our candidates - soon to be on "Celebrity Apprentice" and "Dancing With The Stars"...


Rick Perry promises to bring the nation together and to eliminate spending. But he says that it won't be cheap, and he doesn't care who it affects.


Netflix nixes Qwikster service. CEO Reed Hastings explains "we were just trying to meet our crappy idea quota for 2011..."


GOP prepares to kill Obama's jobs bill explaining "it's our job to make sure our jobs are secure, and also to make sure Obama loses his job."


People say Congress should start "Occupy Capitol" movement. "We don't want them to demonstrate, we just want them to spend more time there."


Rick Perry hopes to save campaign by keeping mouth shut at next debate. Hopefully the other candidates will follow suit.

Report Says Half of U.K. Plays Video Games, Other Half Has Lives

A recent report has found that roughly 62 million of the population in the United Kingdom actively play video games.  But curiously, the other half are reported to actually have lives.  Analysts suggest that this is a temporary anomaly, but forecast a possible crisis.

"The data shows that people residing in the U.K. still don't have way too much time on their hands and/or are getting out more," explains Jack Union, who filed the report.  "People are active, actually connecting with their families, and even holding down jobs, but I feel this is just a symptom of a growing virus among the populace."

Prime Minister David Cameron issued a directive this week focusing on the phenomenon.  "It's disheartening to say the least," he said, "and really awe-inspiring, terrifying, earth shaking, gut wrenching, bloody awful, disturbing, and horrendous, to say the most..."

Many education directors have instigated plans to include tutorials on the proper use of many consoles and console games, as well as smartphone games in the curriculum.  "We must not let this news deter our children from growing up to be well adjusted citizens who sit on their couches all day fragging their friends on Halo".

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Several major department stores have will have "End of the World" sales events on October 21, but insist on extended warranties...


This just in - Kardashian sisters discovered to be result of failed attempt to clone Paris Hilton...


Katherine Heigl signs for starring role in good movie. In other news, hell freezes over...


In an effort to appeal to "tween" audience, movie studio changes title of upcoming Edgar Allan Poe movie to "That's So Raven"...


Eric Cantor calls Wall Street protesters a "mob"; strangely enough, "mob" recently term used to describe Tea Party...


McDonald's introduces Egg MacGuffin to menu. Customers are intrigued, but ultimately disappointed.

Selected Items of The Newsosphere: Special Palin Edition

IN MEMORIAM

Sarah Palin's Political Career

2008 - 2011

Oh credibility, she hardly knew ye...


Sarah Palin criticizes Warren Buffett for his remarks about coddling the wealthy. "He really went downhill after 'Margaritaville'..."

Sarah Palin crashes Iowa State Fair, but still insists that she is not announcing her presidential bid, adding "also, bears do not crap in the woods..."

Sarah Palin e-mails confirm what was already known about the ex-governor - she is one of the four Horsemen of the Apocalypse...

Palin supporters try to create revised version of Paul Revere's midnight ride on Wikipedia. The problem is, they're doing it on Wikipedia.

Fox News shows Tina Fey in on-screen graphic for Sarah Palin, voters nationwide say they would prefer to elect Tina Fey...

Sarah Palin's bus tour revealed to be publicity stunt by, well, Sarah Palin...

Sarah Palin loves Cinco de Mayo. "It's a day when I can celebrate my favorite condiment," she says...

Sarah Palin warns people to not be fooled by the deceptive charm of President Obama. "He's a wolf in cheap clothing," she says.

Sarah Palin expects that her flub of the word "skirmish" will be "a cruel antidote scooped up by the gotcha media.."

Top Ten Reasons to Leave Facebook for Google+

10. Facebook is just your trophy wife, but Google+ is the one that makes you happy...

9. Two words. Angry Birds.

8. Even Mark Zuckerberg is on Google Plus.

7. Unlike Facebook, Google+ isn't a Google+ wannabe...

6. It's no longer cool to sit at the kiddy table.

5. It's Heart Smart.

4. Stalkers haven't discovered Google+ yet.

3. No freakin' Farmville.

2. Facebook reminds you of the popular "facepalm", but sounds much more painful.

and the Number One Reason to Leave Facebook for Google...

1. Unlimited cat GIF's. 'Nuff said.

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Nancy Grace disagrees with the Amanda Knox acquittal. "I know facts, and more importantly, I know ratings..."


This just in - New Jersey Governor Chris Christie says he won't run. Looking at him, I would have to agree.


After comparison of Obama to Hitler, ESPN says they are no longer ready for some Hank Williams Jr.


Burger King retires mascot; sources reveal "The King" will become next horror movie icon...


Matt Barber says sexual relationships of homosexuals cannot be considered equal. Homosexuals say Matt Barber cannot be taken seriously.


Fox News announces new slogan: "Our news is facts-free!"

Knowledge Is Power: Things I Learned From Watching Horror Movies

1) When a killer is loose, it's always a good idea to sneak up on your friends.
2) Adults are idiots.
3) Local law enforcement are idiots.
4) The crazy old guy in town is always right.
5) When you get shot or stabbed, you won't go into shock.
6) Even if the killer has been electrocuted, impaled, and/or blown up, he's still alive.
7) Monsters know where circuit breakers are and how to turn them off.
8) Regardless of how dependable your vehicle is, it will not start when you are being chased by a killer.
9) If you're African American, you will die.
10) If you're the hero's best friend, you will die.
11) It was only a dream.
12) Even if the killer is human, he has superhuman strength.
13) When you hear a sound in the other room, always say hello and ask if anyone is in there.
14) Cell phones don't work anywhere.
15) The phone cord is always cut.
16) No matter how creepy the hillbilly family looks, you can trust them.
17) Don't have sex - you will die.
18) When the killer is downstairs, always run upstairs.
19) Once you've hit the killer, always check to see if he's really dead, or run away.
20) When you're sneaking through a house, a cat or bird will startle you.

"Rise of Nightmares" Failure Due To Fact It Sucked, Sega Says

"Rise of Nightmares", the latest entry in the Xbox 360 Kinect library, failed miserably with gamers and critics alike.  Sega, the distributor of the game, offers a few reasons why the game was unsuccessful.

"The failure of 'Rise of Nightmares' can mostly be attributed to the fact that, put simply, it sucked," says a Sega representative.  "A key component to any game's success is that it doesn't suck, and I believe that was this game's downfall.  Also, poor sales and reviews could also be a factor.  But that hasn't been confirmed yet.  We're still looking into it."

The Xbox 360 Kinect has experienced a slew of problems, least of which is the poor assortment of titles such as "Rise of Nightmares".  A Kinect representative says that this is only temporary, and soon the revolutionary gaming system will be obsolete, much like the Sony Playstation Move and the Nintendo Wii.
"At least, that is our hope, and I believe, gamers as well."

The Sega representative would also like to add that poor sales, scathing reviews, and general hatred of "Rise of Nightmares" might reflect negatively on the game company.  "But I assure you that we are all about consistency, so expect future titles to deliver the same experience of "Rise of Nightmares".

In related news, Nintendo is recalling all 3DS handheld consoles not because of any hardware problems.  "We just want to restore gamers faith in us..."              

Selected Items From The Newsosphere

Crazy ravenous insects invade from Texas to Mississippi. No, not the Tea Party...


Rick Perry expresses doubt about whether humans are causing climate change. "Except me, of course. I'm a disaster waiting to happen..."


New study shows that Twitter can gauge moods, from "LOL" to "WTF"...


More than 700 people arrested on Wall Street. Unfortunately, none of them are bankers...


Russell Brand will be the first guest on "The Rosie Show". This just in - Russell Brand will be the last guest on "The Rosie Show"...


"Real Housewives of New Jersey" 's Melissa Gorga may have been a stripper. In related news, people may not give a shit.

I Don't Wanna Know

I don't wanna know what you ate this morning
Could do without the personal shares
Some things should be kept to yourself
And c'mon, who really cares?

You're going out for the evening?
And you're posting a map online?
Hope you enjoy the movie
And that your security is fine.

I don't wanna know if you and your boyfriend had a spat
Or if you had a birthday party for your cat
Those kinds of things I can't help you with
But they do have counselors for that.

Please spare me the details of your bodily functions
Can't imagine why
You would want anyone to know
Please, people, TMI.

And if you joined a social network
Just to be a troll
Please let me show you the door
Because I really don't wanna know...