FROM THE NATIONAL NEWS DESK...

"Two and a Half Men"'s Jon Cryer appears in the PSA "Don't Do Drugs and Co-Star With Me In a Popular Sitcom"...

"127 Hours" Game Cancelled Due To James Franco's Disappointing Oscar Hosting

The forthcoming game based on the movie 127 Hours, which is based on mountain climber Aron Ralston's grueling story, has been cancelled.

Ubisoft, who was to release the hugely anticipated action game 127 Hours: The Video Game, was so disappointed with James Franco's performance hosting the Oscars last night, they pulled the game at the last minute.  "We were banking on Franco's charisma and charm to sell the game, when we suddenly realized he had none."

One gamer was sorely disappointed.  "Sure he sucked," commented Hrdup4u, "but I was really looking forward to being trapped by a boulder for more than five days then amputating my arm with a dull knife.  Now that's an action game."  

"Crysis 2" Requires Game Consoles Not Yet Invented

2007's PC hit Crysis had such demanding system requirements that even the most state-of-the-art PC at the time couldn't handle it.

Its sequel, released soon for PS3 and Xbox 360, doesn't seem to be bucking the trend.

EA Games reports that Crysis 2 will require gaming consoles that haven't been invented yet.

"It's a bold move," says head developer Rupert Pupkin.  "The anticipation alone should drive up sales."

Gamers worldwide are shaking their heads in disbelief.  HDupAss writes, "this is the last straw.  But I'm still pre-ordering the new consoles when they come out."  

Justin Bieber Game's Extreme Violence Shocks Gamer Community

Sixteen year-old teen sensation Justin Bieber surprised gamers and non-gamers alike with his new video game release, "Bieber: Never Let Them See You Bleed".

"I...can't...words can't express," claimed a dazed IGN reviewer.  "I went in ready to blast this corny video game based on this pop teen girly boy, and instead witnessed the most shocking violence I have ever seen in a game."

The game puts the player in the boots of the pop star, as he goes on a gory rampage through cities in between concerts and photoshoots. 

"The violence is brutal and unrelenting," Game Informer comments.  "After playing the game, you see the rage within this teen heartthrob."

Metal Gear Solid Creator Says Collectors' Edition of Next Game Will Add Ten Additional Minutes to Its One Hour of Actual Gameplay

Hideo Kojima, creator of the popular Metal Gear Solid series, announced today that if gamers purchase the Collectors' Edition of the upcoming Metal Gear Solid: Rising, they will be treated to an additional ten minutes of gameplay.

He calls this "an extra value gift for his fans."  The game's duration is expected to be about twenty hours - nineteen hours worth of cutscenes, with about one hour of actual gameplay.

"Since the creation of my Metal Gear Solid series, I have never put style before substance.  So it naturally figures that I would never put gameplay before story."

The special Edition of MGS: Rising will include the chapter "Raiden Gets To Actually Fight For Ten Minutes", a nonstop gameplay sequence with no cutscenes or Quick Time Events.

"It's a radical departure for my series, which might change the way people look at the series," Mr. Kojima comments.  "But I figure the fans are worth it."


In related news - IGN, Gamespot, and Playstation Universe have confirmed they will be giving a 10 out of 10 rating to MGS: Rising in their upcoming reviews.

Bin Laden Caught While Playing "Medal of Honor" Multiplayer

Osama bin Mohammed bin Awad bin Laden, founder of the Islamic extremist organization Al Qaeda, has finally been caught after years of pursuit by American forces.

But bin Laden was discovered in an unexpected way - playing a multiplayer map on the latest installment of the Medal of Honor video game series.

Medal of Honor was recently the object of controversy after featuring the option to play as the Taliban, which was later changed to "Opposing Force" after much criticism.

Gamer Dtox56 explains how he discovered the terrorist.  "The first red flag was this user's alias - deth2US - then the second was that he kept trying to lead all of the players of the Opposing Force."

American forces were then able to trace the IP address of his location to a hotel room in Dubai.

Bin Laden commented on his capture in a statement released today.  "I thought I was safe, you know, to use a God-hating Capitalist phrase - 'hiding in plain sight'.  Bummer."

Game Studios Confirm Zombies Will Be In Every New Release

Due to the success of the Left 4 Dead series, Dead Rising series, the add-on for Red Dead Redemption - Undead Nightmare - and even the XBLA game Plants vs. Zombies, all of the major game studios are planning to include zombies in every new game.

A representative for EA Games, Activision, SCEA, Nintendo and Ubisoft explains the strategy.  "It's very simple," comments Mr. Travis Bickle, "zombies are the hot property of 2011.  Everybody wants a 'bloody chunk' of the action."

Expect such titles as these in the coming months - Uncharted: Drake of the Dead, Super Mario Galaxy: Braaaains! and LEGO Zombies.


In related news...
LittleBigPlanet's popular Sackboys will be replaced by Zomboys.

Gamers Criticize "Are You Smarter Than Sarah Palin?" for Being Too Easy

"Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader?" producer Mark Burnett dove into the video game world recently with the quiz game "Are You Smarter Than Sarah Palin?".  But the game has endured considerable backlash from disappointed gamers.

"For one thing," explains gamer Bls2Wall32, "it is way too easy.  I finished it in, like, 10 minutes.  Of course, the other thing is that it has only twenty questions."

But one gamer disagrees with the criticism, supporting the unpopular game.  RNCa45 claims that "I have learned more about history from this game than all of the few books I have read combined.  Covering everything from the signing of the Declaration of Codependence to the Russians' bombing of Pearl Harbor, I believe this game will find its place in the anals of game history..."


In related news...
Coming soon for the Nintendo Wii, "Are You Meaner Than Dick Cheney?"...

Director of "Uncharted" Movie Assures Fans It Will Be Nothing Like Their Favorite Game

"Just to clear the air," David O. Russell, director of the forthcoming "Uncharted" movie, explains, "this movie will be faithful to the video game series, in that it will have nothing to do with it."

The movie, working title "Uncharted: And Now For Something Completely Different", will star Mark Wahlberg as Nathan Drake.

Mr. Russell comments, "I have played the games.  Well, I played some games which  featured, um, characters that shoot a lot.  Wasn't there a Drake in Killzone?"

Downloadable Content Available This Week For Game Still In Development

A downloadable add-on just released for "Firestorm", published by Pipedream Games, comes with a surprise.  The video game is reported to "still be in production".  In order to access the DLC, gamers have to own the actual game.

"I downloaded this thing, gripes gamer BadS35, "but since the game hasn't even come out, I couldn't play it!"

Haskell Wexler, head of Pipedream, remains unfazed by the critical response.  "Doesn't it get you excited to actually play the game when it comes out?" asks Mr. Wexler to gamers.  "I believe this move increases the anticipation for 'Firestorm'."

BadS35 posed this question to Mr. Wexler -  "What if it sucks?"

In related news, the sequel to Bioshock Infinite, due 2012, is in development.

Cyber Bullies Lure Unsuspecting Gamers to Virtual Playgrounds

To add to the ongoing progression of "cyber bullying" - being bullied by anonymous kids who use pseudonyms in chat rooms and other Internet venues - these cyber bullies are now coming up with devious ways to overwhelm their prey.

One such technique is to lure unsuspecting users to "virtual playgrounds", frequently ones with no "cyber grown-up supervision".

Lawrence Bender, a researcher of this troubling phenomenon, offers this advice to potential victims.  "Don't let them corner you.  Keep in mind that they have no actual power.  They're not worth your time."

A group of gamers, known as Bodyguard, have offered their services to young users in need of help.
"We will kick their collective cyber asses," vows the leader of the group.

Nationwide Ban on Banning Users From Forums Incites Moderators With No Social Lives

An organization of gamers nationwide have started a movement to ban selected website forum moderators from banning users who have been wrongfully accused of misdoings.

"We're tired of being punished for crimes we did not commit, for not even being given a second chance to stay on forums," one gamer explains.

A group of moderators angrily oppose the intentions of the movement.  One moderator known as HardAss21 comments, "what is wrong with 'one strike and you're out'?  Sure, I wouldn't actually do it with these people in real life, but people like me who live in our own little worlds must enforce these rules."  He added, "besides, if they succeed, I'll have to get a real job..."

When asked about the nationwide crisis, one government official had this to say.  "Oh for the love of God, this isn't the f**king Supreme Court!  These are gaming websites!  Moderators, get a life!"

In other news, real crises around the world involving hunger and disease continue...         

Video Game Characters Threaten Walkout, Demand Better Treatment

Characters from several popular video game franchises are fighting back at their creators, demanding better treatment and less exploitation.

Solid Snake, leader of the rights movement, released a statement earlier today.

"I'm not getting any younger", he explained, "and most of these characters don't actually age.  But we all have something in common - the relentless punishment of our bodies and souls.  Players put us through countless ordeals including the loss of our comrades and family, and relentless damage by choosing the wrong strategies.  This will stop, or we will walk."

The creators are planning to meet with their characters sometime today to discuss negotiations.

Meanwhile, developers are gearing up for the possibility of drastic franchise changes.

In related news, these titles are in development:

Super Somebody Galaxy 3
Uncharted 3: Somebody's Deception
Somebody and Somebody Else Future: Tools of Time
Somebody of Persia

Lars von Trier to Direct Ratchet and Clank Movie

Lars von Trier, the controversial director of films such as "Dancer In The Dark" and "Antichrist", will be helming the big screen outing of Playstation 3's popular characters Ratchet and Clank.

The project, with the working title "Ratchet and Clank: The Bleakness of Space", offers a new perspective on the duo.

"After playing the games,"  Mr. von Trier explains, "I was taken by the complicated relationship of these characters, the homoerotic yet isolated nature of these beings desperately trying to manifest theirselves in a metaphysical world of uncompromising doom."

Set to star are Willem Dafoe as Ratchet, Bjork as Clank, and Stellan Skarsgard as Captain Quark.

More Kiddie Time!

Hey kids!  Here's something fun you can do with Daddy's p.c.!

Get those colors out and draw your favorite cartoon characters on his screen!  And be sure to use permanent ink!

Are you finished now?  Great job!

Oops.  Daddy doesn't look happy.

Run, kids, run!

THIS JUST IN...

"Resident Evil" Star Milla Jovovich Signs Unprecedented Contract for Thirty More Films in Series

Needless Repetition in Games Mars Enjoyment, Analyst Reports

Garrett Kellogg, video game analyst, says that, after many studies he has concluded that there is too much repetition in today's video games.

"The music scores are repeated ad nauseam," Mr Kellogg explains.  "The player is constantly badgered by the same advice from characters.  And in most games you don't have the option to skip through cutscenes, so the player is forced to watch them over and over until they complete their task."

Mr Kellogg vows to work with various game studios to produce a solution.
"This has got to end," he adds.

Needless Repetition in Games Mars Enjoyment, Analyst Reports

Garrett Kellogg, video game analyst, says that, after many studies he has concluded that there is too much repetition in today's video games.

"The music scores are repeated ad nauseam," Mr Kellogg explains.  "The player is constantly badgered by the same advice from characters.  And in most games you don't have the option to skip through cutscenes, so the player is forced to watch them over and over until they complete their task."

Mr Kellogg vows to work with various game studios to produce a solution.
"This has got to end," he adds.

Gamers Frustrated Nothing in New Budget Proposal For Better Games

Gamers nationwide voiced their protests after finding out that President Obama's proposed budget for 2011 contained absolutely nothing for better video games.

Their argument is that at least 10% of the proposed $3.69 trillion for items such as social security, Medicare and national defense should go toward the development of games with no crashes or bugs, and better multiplayer and downloadable content.

Recently appointed press secretary Jay Carney released a statement today, simply saying "are you kidding me?"

In other news, Rockstar announced that the next Grand Theft Auto game will take place in Dubai.

Mario Fed Up With Happy Go-Lucky Image

Mario the Plumber, star of the popular Nintendo series, has struck out against his image.

"I'm-a tired of how-a people think-a I am," he explained in a recent interview.  "And I am up-a to here with these-a crazy damn puzzles!  Are you-a freakin' kidding me with-a the traps?  By-a the end of the day I'm-a sore!"

Luigi, Mario's brother, is concerned.  "He-a used to be a-happy go-lucky Mario, but quite-a frankly, Bowser is-a starting to piss him off." 

"And," Mario adds, "could I for-a the love of God get the princess one-a freakin' time???"

Another star of a popular Nintendo series sympathizes with Mario's plight.  "Brother," Link commented, "I feel your pain..."

New Video Game Discovered To Be Just One Long Cutscene

Eric Vance, an avid gamer, bought the new game Mind Chasm from his local GameStop, drove home and eagerly popped in his purchase, only to discover that there was no actual gameplay -  just one long cutscene.

"I was like, 'whoa, killer graphics, can't wait for the game to start'.  But it never did!"

Cliff Gordon, creator of the game and co-founder of WTF Games, who developed Mind Chasm, is dumbfounded, but for different reasons.

"I'm confused," he said, responding to the furor caused by the game.  "They saw the trailer.  There was no actual gameplay shown.  What's the problem?  Nobody cried foul about the Metal Gear series, particularly Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.  And that one had a few gameplay moments in between cutscenes that lasted up to fifteen minutes!"

In other news, Daikatana 2 cancelled due to sheer disbelief.

"Alan Wake" Based On Actual Annoying Writer, Confusing Accounts

Microsoft Game Studios has revealed that the story for their successful video game, Alan Wake, was actually taken from the baffling adventures of a real person.

In 2003, an author named Andrew Wayne stayed at a remote cabin near Lake Wachahawa in Hemdale, South Dakota.

A local fisherman, Lou Gusler, recounted the events.  "Well", Lou said, "dunno if anything supernatural happened, but there was this writer guy who just walked around, looking for thermoses and claiming that his wife was missing.  And he had this annoying habit of talking out loud about every damn thing he saw.  He would be walking along, saying something like 'the road was empty, and you could smell the dread in the air,' or 'I looked up and saw that the town was slowly disappearing into the thick of the fog.'  I can't tell you how many startled looks he got from the locals."

Mr. Gusler added that "he was a drinker, as most writers who come here are, and so that probably tells you about his 'adventures'."

When asked about the other writers who stayed in Hemdale, Mr. Gusler replied, "Oh yeah!  We had that King feller, a couple of guys working for James Patterson, L. Ron Howard..."

LEGO Pegs Classic Martin Scorsese Films As Next Series

In an effort to appeal to the adult demographic, LEGO Games and Traveller's Tales plan to adapt films by Martin Scorsese for their next franchise.

The companies, known for their popular series based on Star Wars, Indiana Jones and Harry Potter, are excited by this new direction.

"It's against the grain," George Harris, head developer at Traveller's Tales comments.  "But I think in the long run this concept will increase our fan-base and double sales."

Expect LEGO versions of "Taxi Driver", "Raging Bull", and "Goodfellas" to be hitting shelves sometime next year.

Mr. Scorsese was unavailable for comment.


Also in the works, hinted Mr. Harris, are LEGO versions of the popular "Saw" series.

...AND IN HOLLYWOOD NEWS

NEW MYSTERY FILM SHROUDED IN MYSTERY

HOLLYWOOD - The producer for a new murder mystery is taking filmmaking in a whole new direction.

“I figured that since most of the details of movies are given away on the Internet, that not only should the ticket buyers not know what the story is, but neither should the cast and crew.”

“I have no idea who I’m playing,” one performer (who remains anonymous) said.  “They haven’t given us the script yet, and we are about to start shooting this week.  I think.  No one really knows.” 

The director commented that “since I haven’t seen the script, met the actors, or even been allowed in the studio, I really can’t say what direction this movie will take.” 

The movie, as yet untitled, will be released sometime in the future, but we can’t say when.

FROM THE NATIONAL NEWS DESK

Dramatic Increase in Mothers' Back Injuries Attributed to Teenagers Stepping on Cracks

DAYTON, OH - A local clinic reported this week that it has been experiencing a significant increase in back injuries.

The victims all have two things in common: they are all mothers, and their teenagers have at one time this year stepped on cracks.

"I thought it was just an old wives' tale", remarked Dr. Mitchell Green, a noted chiropractor.  "But we have chalked up several of these cases to teenagers merely stepping on sidewalk cracks."

Special safeguards have been implemented for the youths to direct them around old pavement, and the City Council has enlisted the help of several local contractors to maintain the sidewalks.

Dr. Green adds, "I think that this era of 'crack-free teenagers' is, if you'll pardon the pun, a step in the right direction."   

Game Studios Give In to Gamers' Multiplayer Demands

After a constant flood of demands by gamers for multiplayer in every game released recently, the game studios caved.

James Thurber, who is acting as spokesman for the studios, released a statement today.  "The studios in question wish to inform gamers that, quote, 'stop it!  Just stop it!  Okay, you win!  You bastards don't give up!  You want multiplayer?  Fine!  Boom!  You got it!  Everything will have multiplayer!  Zelda?  Done!  Portal?  Done!  Hell, Super Extreme Tetris will even have multiplayer!  We'll add Robin to the next Batman, and we'll make him butch!  We'll give Nathan Drake a brother, we'll even give Samus Aran a sister!  Just please...stop.' End quote."

Mr. Thurber also, at the request of the studios, simulated a complete nervous breakdown.

Ian Nichols, a gamer in Newark, New Jersey commented, "geez, I don't know what the big deal is."

Local Teenager Not Missing, Just Playing "World of Warcraft"

NEWARK - Ian Nichols, 18, was discovered today at an internet cafe weeks after his family had reported him missing to the local police.

It was revealed that he had just been in a marathon session in the popular massively multiplayer online game, World of Warcraft.

Nichols, a.k.a. Lord Virthau the Benevolent and Vicious, assured family and friends that he was okay, after the paramedics declared him "healthy, but over-caffeinated".

In a press release, Nichols was reported as saying, "AFK.  Geez, I don't know what the big deal is."

Closure was also brought to a case recently in Boulder, Colorado, where fifty-five year-old Herbert West, a.k.a. King Damocles the Righteous, had been reported missing and presumed dead.

Another addicted player of WOW, he was discovered in a small cabin with Wi-Fi.  Sheriff Grayson White is unsure of how long Mr. West had been in the cabin, but stated that "he was very surprised that we now had a black president."

COMING NEXT MONTH...

THE TOP FIFTY WEBSITES THAT FEATURED THE TOP TEN LISTS OF THE TOP FIVE GAMES OF 2010

Samus Defends Her Portrayal in "Metroid: Other M"

In a tearful press release over the weekend, interstellar bounty hunter Samus Aran of the popular series of Metroid games defended her portrayal in the most recent game in the series, Metroid: Other M.

"People don't understand," she explained.  "You just don't understand the pressure I'm under.  Sure, this time I have an unlimited arsenal at my fingertips and can activate it at any time.  But my love for Adam negated my common sense to do things on my own.  That's the kind of power that love has." 

"And I'm not a petulant, immature girl!" Ms. Aran added, jumping up and down and stamping her feet.  "I can be very irritable, but you try to maintain your composure when your body has to painfully roll up into a ball half your size to get into narrow passages!  There's not enough Midol in the universe to help me when it's my time of the month!"

EA Promises "Next Harry Potter Game Won't Suck"

EA Games, creator of the series of video games based on the popular series of Harry Potter movies, insists that their next entry will not be another abysmal failure.

In fact, they will be foregoing their adaptation of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part Two" to deliver something disgruntled gamers have been clamoring for.

"It's called Harry Potter and the EA Apology", explains head developer Hans Gordon.  "It contains all of the elements that the previous games didn't have - good controls, fun gameplay, and character models that don't look like the actors if they were embalmed."

Kiddie Time Again

Fill-in-the-Blank Fun!

Hoppity Rabbit jumped across the big log and into the meadow to see if he could climb the famous Big Tree.

"That's a ______ climb", he thought.  "How the ____ am I going to get that high?"

Just then, Timmy Turtle peeked out from behind the tree.  "Hoppity", he said, "if you help me with my task, I'll get your Rabbit ____ up that tree!"

Hoppity thought to himself, then said, "You've got a _____ deal!"

And wouldn't you know it, when Hoppity and Timmy shook hands on the deal, here came the Mother _______ Hen up the road!

"Oh _____ ", Timmy said.  "Here's that Mother _____ Hen.  If we don't hurry, she''ll _____ up everything!"

"Then let me help you with your _____ task and so you can get my _____ up that ______ tree!" replied Hoppity.

Come back next time for Part 2:  Hoppity and Timmy Deal with Mother _____ Hen's ______

EA's "SimSex" Drawing Controversy Among Gaming Community

EA Games popular Sims series of games latest entry has stirred up considerable controversy in the past few months.

The game, SimSex, allows the users to play simulated consenting adults who indulge in simulated sexual activities.

But the real controversy stems from EA's union with Activision, a competitor of theirs, to develop the title.

"People are objecting to this 'SimSex marriage'," observes Game Informer writer Jeff Olsen, in a recent piece.  "They claim that the union should be within the company, that controversial practices like this are unlawful, and should be banned.  But what is the point if the union doesn't cause any real harm?"

In related news, a march is being proposed by an organization called the Gamer Rights Movement to protest recent developments.

GameView Only Website With No Mention of Lady Gaga

Damn.

Exciting New Additions for "Farmville", "Mafia Wars"

Zynga, the social network game developer, has announced new add-ons to their popular Facebook games Mafia Wars and Farmville.

In Mafia Wars, you are tasked to do jobs and hits to establish your empire.  The new add-on enables your friends to "rat" on you, then enter the "Witness Protection Program".  You can then hire "dirty Feds" to find the locations of your friends and "silence" them.

In Farmville, you can own and maintain your own farm.  With the add-on, your friends can now play members of the "government", and force you to "foreclose" on your farm.

"It opens up a world of possibilities", states a representative of Zynga, "like how can you trust your friends in the real world, now that they have betrayed you?  Let the controversy begin."

Zynga is also developing a game called Congress, where you and your friends can argue over "bills" without actually "doing anything".

Extreme Curling Game Due Next Month

EA Games, publisher of several console sports franchises, is adding another game to its series.

In Extreme Curling 2011, due out next month, the player must use his broom to maneuver his stone through electric fields, dropping bombs, and angry demons.

The game is complicated additionally by modifying the curling sheet with curves, hills and portals. 

"We're very excited," a representative of EA says.  "And this sport can be awfully difficult to get excited about."

Also in the works from EA, Extreme Red Rover, Ultimate Hopscotch, and Maximum Tetherball.

Ubisoft Support Tired of Answering Dumbass Questions

Doug Chesney, head of Ubisoft Support, says he's tired of answering "dumbass questions" about problems with popular Ubisoft games such as the Prince of Persia and Assassin's Creed series.

"I can't tell you how many questions and complaints we receive on a daily basis, about trivial things like lockups, in-game cameras and glitches.  You want a challenging game?  Lockups enable multiple playthroughs.  Different camera angles offer new perspectives on your environment - even if you can't see where you're going.  And glitches, well, I get a big kick out of watching Ezio (of Assassin's Creed) accidentally jump to his doom.  That's slapstick!"
 
"To paraphrase a former defense secretary," Mr. Chesney adds, "you play the game that you pay for."

But after pressure from many gamers, Ubisoft has decided to create two additional sites for complaints and grievances.  See below for the links.

www.ubisoft.com/support/colddayinhell
www.ubisoft.com/support/whenpigsfly

THIS JUST IN: Mubarak Video Game Coming Soon

Muhammad Hosni Sayyid Mubarak, former president of the Arab Republic of Egypt, is the subject of an upcoming video game for all consoles.  The player controls "a heroic Mubarak through an endless flood of angry citizens in his desperate attempt to rightfully hold his office."  Created by a new publisher, MHSM Games, they stated in a press release they want to make clear that "the former president has no association with the game and its development."

First "Bioshock Infinite" Review Out, Game Due 2012

Kenny Hu, reviewer for GameR magazine, has published the first review of 2K Games's next game in their popular franchise, Bioshock Infinite.  Though there have been many articles written about the story, characters and graphics for the game, which once again, is due out in 2012, here are excerpts from Mr. Hu's official first review:

"Bioshock Infinite is looking to be the front-runner for Game of the Year 2012...."

"From what I have seen of the gameplay videos and trailers, the floating city will be even more impressive than Rapture..."

"I am convinced that when I find out more details about the protagonist, he will be the defining character in gaming history..."

"I'm told that the story elements will turn the gaming world on its head, delivering an experience unlike any other game coming out in 2012..."

Check out GameR's website for Mr. Hu's other reviews of games due in 2012, including Super Mario: Untitled, The Next Zelda Game, Half-Life 3 and Duke Nukem Forever.

www.gamer.com/reviews/yeahright

"Twilight" Mod For "Halo" Receiving Mixed Response From Gamers

Stephenie Meyer, writer of the popular Twilight series of young-adult fiction, worked over the weekend with Bungie, creator of the popular "Halo" video game series, to produce a Twilight mod for the recent video game, Halo: Reach.

"I'm very excited," Ms. Meyer confides.  "I am hoping to bridge the gap between young women who adore my series and their boyfriends who force themselves to take them to see the movies."

The mod enables players to join either Team Edward or Team Jacob in a race to Capture the Bella.  Both teams have special abilities - Team Jacob enables the player to become Shirtless at any moment to distract the opposing team, and of course Team Edward has the ability to Brood.

However, despite Ms. Meyer's enthusiasm for the new Halo mod, gamers are expressing a good number of negative responses.

Hardon79 writes, "What the f**k is this?  I have to take Amy to these whiny little love flicks, and now she wants to play my Halo??"  Another gamer, !BigDick56, writes "mods like these should be outlawed."  One gamer puts it succinctly.  123HughGRection simplys says, "It sucks."

Female players, however have different opinions.  Writes Edwardiluvu, "swoon."

Ms. Meyer does offer tips to the gamers, in hopes of aiding them.  "Stay out of the light if you choose Team Edward, because your character will sparkle.  This may give away your position.  And if you're on Team Jacob, don't let your love for Bella cloud your judgment.

Also, it's called "Capture the Bella".  Stop trying to kill her."

In related news, Halo's Grunts named "Biggest Pussies in Gaming History"...

Something For The Kiddies

BARNEY DEAD AT 75,000,000

Everybody’s favorite lovable purple dinosaur passed away this weekend after committing suicide in his Santa Monica loft.

Details are sketchy at this time, but it has been learned that Barney had gradually grown more and more depressed in the last five months.

“That happy go-lucky attitude was a front,” confides Stuart Longly, Barney’s therapist for six years.  “I think the pressure of having to be full of glee twenty-four hours a day took its toll, as it would on any purple dinosaur.”

Barney started life as a carnivorous T-Rex in the Mesozoic Period, until he caught the show business bug in the ‘70’s, featured in such shows as “Land of the Lost” and  “Baby: Secret of the Lost Legend”.

But early in 1983, he was influenced by New Age teachings under the instruction of Supu Copra (not to be confused with Topak Coba, Suprak Toba, or Deepak Chopra).

“It changed my life,” Barney confessed earlier in a 1990 People interview.  “I no longer felt the need to consume meat, go on rampages, or even roar.  What I wanted to do from then on was make people happy, and sing!”

He was gradually picked up by PBS and gained a huge following by children all over the world for his television show.

“Things were just too good to be true, and then the realizations kicked in,” Longly explains.  “After all, most of his friends were now oil.”

The funeral services for Barney will be held at the LaBrea Tar Pits this Wednesday. 

God of War Retires From Games - Talks About New Rap Career

Kratos, the anti-hero of Sony Playstation's popular God of War franchise, has retired from videogames and is now flexing his formidable talents in the rap music industry.

In a press release, um, released over the weekend, Kratos was quoted as saying, "I WILL END YOU!  I AM THE DESTROYER AND YOU WILL PAY!"

Mo Henry, president of ToneDef Music, is signing the Ghost of Sparta to a six year contract, convinced that Kratos' controversial style will sell millions.  "You can't just make up what Kratos has to say.  He's been through it all.  Loss, grief, ripping his foes and innocent bystanders to pieces.  I think it speaks to all of us."

Mr. Henry was kind enough to allow us to print an excerpt from Kratos' soon to be hit, "Don't Get Up In My Grill, Zeus"...

THE BLOOD OF THE GODS WILL SPILL ON THIS DAY!
YOUR SON WILL AVENGE ALL THOSE YOU HAVE MURDERED THAT I HAVE LOVED!
THE SKIES WILL RAIN WITH MY ANGER!
BITCHES GONNA DIE!

In related news, an upcoming download for the PS3 game LittleBigPlanet 2 will feature a Kratos costume.

X-Play's Adam Sessler Asked by Playboy to Do Spread

Adam Sessler, co-host of G4TV's popular show, X-Play, was propositioned by Playboy Magazine last week to do a full nude spread for their upcoming Drop Dead Sexy Geeks profile.

It was later discovered that Morgan Webb, X-Play's other co-host and token female, was actually the intended person.

"Whoops," said a representative for Playboy, "must have been confusion with the names."  Ms. Webb was unavailable for comment.

But a Taliban representative voiced his outrage.  "But he's sooo cute," he explained.

Kirby's Epic Yarn Favorite Among Members of Taliban

In a surprising report by international news network Al Jazeera, it was discovered that members of the terrorist group known as the Taliban are enamored with the Nintendo Wii game Kirby's Epic Yarn.

"People, that is, God-hating Americans who spew lies from their capitalist mouths, think that we play violent games like Call of Duty: Black Ops and Killzone 2," a representative of the Taliban (whose name was requested to not be revealed * see below) explains.

"But the fact is, we enjoy jumping around worlds made of fabric in our spare time.  And Kirby is soooo cute."

* Kamid al Rasid Jr.

Game Developer to Produce F**king Hard Game

In response to many veteran gamers complaining about current games being way too easy to complete, game developer TuffMutha is about to answer the call.

Ian Serchak, president and founder, claims in an interview with leading game website Gamespot, that "this game will be f**king hard, so you guys will stop b**ching."

The concept involves landing on the homeworld of twenty different species of creatures, all equipped with weapons never before seen in videogames.

The player is equipped only with a plastic shield and a handgun.  There will be no manual to locate the controls, and the player will have to constantly find them on their controllers, thanks to the new system created by TuffMutha, Which &*!%*^$ Button, which sends the control signal to random buttons and triggers.

"Suck on that," Mr. Serchak was quoted as saying in the press release.

Paramount Pictures Developing Movie Based on Super Breakout

Popular '80s videogame Super Breakout is one of the many ongoing game-to-film projects slated for Paramount Pictures.

Plot details are being kept closely under wraps, except for the fact the film is based on a game about using a paddle to break a large wall with a ball.

Purists have decried the authenticity of the movie, pointing out that Super Breakout utilizes two paddles instead of one, but nothing has been altered, insists a spokesman for Paramount.  "We're saving the two-paddle concept for the sequel," he claims.

Michael Bay is in talks to direct, while Shia LeBeouf is in negotiations for the role of The Paddle.

Also in development are films based on Jungle Hunt, Battlezone, and Pong.

a Tribut to Texters

Their are people who talk or even use a phone with a cord
They wont just join are 21st century horde

Whats the point of spelling or using good grammer?
Didnt king George do pretty good with a stammer? (see Kings Speech its good)

So hear's a salute to you who typ a bunch of strange things to even stranger typs.

If people dont want to know what your doing
Dont freind them to keep them from, um, viewing

: >

M. Night Shyamalan to Develop Flower 2: The Revenge for PS3

M. Night Shyamalan, film director, is in the early stages of developing a sequel to Flower, the popular Playstation 3 exclusive.

The working title for the game is "Flower 2: The Revenge".

"In the first one, " Mr. Shyamalan explains, "you are a petal blowing in the wind, gathering other petals.  The sequel continues the journey, but this time your petals have the ability to make human beings go mad and eventually commit suicide.  There's a valid message about deforestation, global warming, and giving my film career another chance."

Sony Computer Entertainment and ThatGameCompany, who created the original game, however have no intention of allowing this project to continue.

A Sony representative was quoted as saying, "we are prepared to keep this project from happening."

Religious Group To Develop Non-Violent Video Game

A religious group known as PRAY (Pushing Religion At Younguns) is hard at work this month creating an alternative to the violent video games on the market today.

The tentative title for the game is “Witness”, a first person “saver” rather than a “shooter”.

“The basic concept is this” - explains Paul Robison, founder of PRAY and the initial programmer - “you’re on a desolate planet full of demons who have a portal to your world, but instead of blowing them all away, it is your job to show them the way of the Lord."

Inventory items for the player will include a Bible and several pamphlets.

Mr. Robison predicts that sales of “Witness” will hopefully do better than all of the Christian films that were released in the past decade.